Archive for the I Heart Funny Femmes Category

DWTS Exploited My Weakness for Cho

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, Goof & Glamour, Got My TV Eye On You, I Heart Funny Femmes, I Heart Robots, I like big butts & I can not lie, Strange Science, Style & Fashion, Technicolor Pop, Top 2% of Coolest Mofos, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2010 by alphabetfiend

When I first heard that Margaret Cho was on the new cast for DWTS, I was in the Austin audience at Margaret Cho’s performance at The Paramount. She was kvetching about being sore from all the dance practice.

My initial response was “Crap, now I have to watch that shit n’ shinola. Dancing with the stars? Ugg.”

Yet another reminder to never say never.

“Why must you?” you ask. Well, because I love Cho more than I hate DWTS. DUH! Don’t you?

C’mon! We gotta take Cho when and where we can get her. Whether it’s on Lifetime’s schlocky yet charming series Drop Dead Diva, doing the tango on DWTS, or live at The Paramount.

Plus we’ll get to see her mom, which features prominently and hilariously in Cho’s stand-up.

Now that I’ve resigned myself to my pitiful fate, I hafta say I’m really looking forward to seeing Cho in sparkles, sequins and spandex. While performing her stand-up, she was already sporting a street-wear version of DWTS style. She wore a loose silky tunic — one-shoulder, sequined — that showed off her gorgeous shoulder tats. She paired the sparkly tunic with American Apparel’s metallic spandex leggings in spaceship silver; grounding the get-up with a great pair of ass-kicker boots. Mmm. Rugged and mmm soft buttery leather and mmm.

Sorry. My clothes-lust kinda took over for a second there. Lemme wipe the drool from my chin and we’ll move on.

I’m gonna enjoy seeing her twice a week for as long as this lasts. Once she’s booted, I’ll be free but I’ll be bummed.

I just hope she does the Robot. Cause that would totally rock.

No go show Cho some love! Give her some sugars! Form a rallying crowd for her to surf through. Join Team Van-Cho. GO!

TBA/Quintron & Miss Pussycat Holdover (Sunday PM Punk Rock Gospel)

Posted in Dork Alert, I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart Funny Femmes, I Heart My Love-Tribe, In Celebration of the Absurd, Music & Life & Sundays, punk rock, Rock & Roll, Sunday AM Punk Rock Gospel, Technicolor Pop, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Mornin’ lovers… I bow my head before you, blue curls a blur of bedhead bedlam.  I am thunderstruck, drowsy….contrite.

Did you notice the PM in today’s title?

Ah. Blame it on the road, on the lure of the highway, on gas stations, on rainbows in oil puddles!  

Blame it on Hruskas (hybrid bakery/chevron) for making delectable yum-yums that had us rearranging our return date not once, not twice but three times. These suckers sell out fast and getting the really good stuff is some sort of competitive sport. Seriously! But oh it’s worth it. Egg sandwich — ooey gooey goodness — on fresh-baked croissant with a home-cut off-kilter slab of ham. And then there’s the cherry cream cheese kolaches that could maybe make a nympho nun cum.

Blame it on the baby with a sticky face, calling my name loud & clear from across the room; who later cried and cried until I untied my cupcake apron and offered up my lap as safe harbor. Blame it on the tears that dissolved into hiccups as I read about the pigeon who wanted a puppy but then met a real life slobbery pup and decided a walrus was a more practical choice.

Blame it on my own pups, let loose in the country, romping in the warm green Mississippi grass.

Blame it on Quintron & Miss Pussycat playing a Saturday night show in New Orleans in the old Shim Sham Club (you’ll always be Shim Sham to me xoxo.)

Blame it on Miss Pussycat’s puppets!

No.

Don’t frame the puppets.

Poor poor puppets.

Isn’t their lot quite a lot as it is?

It’s all the fault of rowdy pups & raucous thunderclaps which cause one pink-nosed pitbull to cower behind my protective legs.

Or maybe it’s the pelting rain and electric zigzags which keep knocking me offline?

OK. OK. Chalk it up to summery sloth.

I’m off to slumber, all sleepyhead fulla surprises.

Surprises?

The gospel — still in draft — is nearly written and the song is chosen but I’m not tellin’.

It’s a good one and it’s my gift to give — I know how some of you are with your google! You’d google Santa right off his sleigh if you could.

No, no, come back later and let me give you a belated gift. Oh, I’m giddy!

 

But I want it to be perfect and so I’ll wait… for a less-cloudy sky and a less-foggy mind.

In the meantime, for your patience, here’s a crazy wonderful surreal treat from Quintron & Miss Pussycat: “Mardi Gras in the Center of the Earth.”

More surprises? Clue: “Blue”… Look for it! (Any guesses?)

The Party’s Over — Starz (stupidly) Cancels “Party Down”

Posted in I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart Funny Femmes, Star F*#ker, Technicolor Pop, TV, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2010 by alphabetfiend

My highschool sweetheart worked for a catering company during the four years we were together, which means he used to come home stinking like prime beef and twice-baked potatoes, looking EXACTLY like the cast of “Party Down.” Same white shirt, same black pants, same pink bow-tie. I’d lie in bed watching for his headlights on my ceiling, exhaling as he pulled into the driveway. We had only a few stolen moments before he’d be expected home, just long enough for a quick whiff of that bow-tied nape and crusty shirt. Mmmm. That catering job afforded him many opportunities for romance. 

While cleaning up, he’d sometimes pocket discarded wedding favors or sachets of hershey kisses. I’d ooh and ahh as though I’d always yearned for my very own ceramic swan-couple, dual necks curving into a heart.  One night he called to say he hadn’t had time to stop by and could I please bring his shoes in from the porch because it was raining and surely they’d smell like ass if left in the rain? Disappointed, grumbly and thinking “Those shoes already smell like ass,” I wound down the dark stairs. There, on the covered porch, with the rain pelting the eaves, was at least a dozen different flower arrangements in creamy shades of peach & pink. In the spirit of young love, the bride had gifted them to my beau. He’d coasted into my drive with his lights off, knowing my tendency to watch the ceiling, and had carried them on tip-toe to the porch. How, I don’t know! It took me nearly an hour to drag them all inside. In the morning my younger siblings were amazed at the almost funereal floral display, certain I must be a princess with my very own prince.

I sooo wanted to write an episode of “Party Down,” recreating that moment of recycled romance, but that will never happen now thanks to stupid stupid Starz execs. 

Starz has cancelled the clever show about pink-collar workers.

It’s kind of infuriating actually, not just because I’ll never get to try my hand at that script, but because it was a good show with a great cast and endless possibilities. Cast members could come and go and yet it made perfect sense because the service industry is like that. Each episode featured a different catered event there were amazing opportunities for cameos or guest-star turns.

The cast was a hilarious ensemble of comedic talent:

* Megan Mullally (pill-popping Karen from Will & Grace)

*Jane Lynch (Sue the lunatic cheerleading coach on Glee; Joyce the love-lorn lesbo lawyer on L-Word.)

*You probably recognized Ken Marino from funny projects like Reno 911, Stella and The State (as well as will-act-for-food gigs on Angel, Charmed or Dawson’s Creek.)

*I really liked Casey’s Lizzy Caplan in a short-lived sitcom called The Class but you’re more likely to remember the actress  from Alan Ball’s HBO vampire hit True Blood — Caplan played Amy, the crazy cracky nut-job who dated Jason (Sookie’s bro) and couldn’t get enough vamp-blood.

*The always goofy Jennifer Coolidge who went through various transformations — and monikers — on Nip/Tuck.

*Kristen Bell (Heroes, Veronica Mars)

*The funny-as-shit Ken Jeong (Community, the movie Hang-over and Million Dollar Strong, Jeong’s hip hop project with Mike O’Connell.)

*Perhaps most exciting of all, Martin Starr is all grown up since his days as the terminally nerdy Bill in Freaks & Geeks (another BRILLIANT but canceled show which has gained cult status since its unceremonial cancellation after just one AWESOME season.)

In addition to all the talent on-screen, actor Paul Rudd was a contributing creator of “Party Down.” It’s hard to believe that Starz would cancel a show with so much critical acclaim and buzz. It’s not like the cable network has much else to offer in the way of original programming. Sure, not a lot of people were watching the show but that’s because no one had heard about it. People were finding out! Viewership would’ve increased over time. These networks expect us to have patience as they present new programming but they have no patience themselves. It’s no wonder that more and more people are waiting to watch stuff on DVD or Hulu rather than subject themselves to some new un-proven show on primetime or risk falling for a mystery-riddled drama that will only be canceled before the mystery’s been solved (Flash Forward, Happy Town.)

Grr. They did two seasons of Party Down so if you haven’t seen all or any, you still have some partying to do. May I offer you a couple of tasty hordeurves?

“When I’m in nature I usually drop a cap,” featuring Jennifer Coolidge

“It’s not fate, it’s a mistake” with Martin Starr (It’s Bill from Freaks & Geeks, only BIG!)

Silverman Gives the Word “Diva” a XXX Smackdown (adult content)

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, Fur Reals, I Heart Funny Femmes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2010 by alphabetfiend

 

Fine. Wave off yer ignorance with a flick of your plastic talons.

Cause you gotta have yer way cause yer a diva. 

Well, bitch, then you had better be able to belt out an aria.

 

Luckily, I’m no longer alone in my aggravation cause once again Sarah Silverman says what we’re all thinking. This time, in song. 

If you call yourself a diva, you better be a singer, and not somebody cutting me in line. 

If you call yourself a diva, you better sing a solo, and not be someone treating me unkind.

I kinda wanna purchase that patch — “Crossword Diva League” — cause it’s cool enough with the curvy lady and the old skool look. I kinda wanna stitch it on my engineers cap cause I love crossword puzzles and I want the world to know it. However, I don’t want the world to think I’m a stupid bitch. And so you see my dilemma. No self-respecting crossword freakette could call herself a diva, not when she’s faced twice daily with the word’s true meaning. When the clue involves the word “diva” then the answer always has to do with opera and never with self-entitled bitchery.
Look up “diva” in the dictionary. The word applies to female operatic stars or (more recently) it extends to distinguished female singers who are long time legendary power houses like Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. Sure there’s the prima donna addendum but who wants that? Who wants to be a mere pain-in-the-ass post-script?
Down with those bitches who call themselves Divas — excusing a lack of manners with a word that is supposed to denote a presence of talent.

Wearing leopard print does not make you a diva.

Neither does your rhinestone-crusted blackberry.

And that glitter graphic on your myspace page? Gulp. Please no! Not another one!

What does make you a diva?

Well, do you have an absolutely legendary ability to sing your fucking ass off? Have you taken a bow as the curtain closed at the Met? Does the crowd roar and send thorny roses hurling to the stage like arrows shot from Eros’ bow?

No? Then you’re no diva. 

 

Now this fabulous bitch, she’s a damn diva. (Yes, that’s right. Divas can be bitches but bitches aren’t divas.)

People are always shining me on with the word “Diva” (as a compliment or as an explanation for my tiara) but I don’t take a shine to it. I sing in the car, with the top down and the volume up, and I sing loud. But I’m not the fat lady y’all are waiting on.

Sing it, Sarah!

If you call yourself a diva, it better be for reals, and not just some sad pathetic kind of front.

You’re selfish and your thoughtless and you’re broken and you’re heartless.

You’re probably not a diva, you’re a cunt.

Vanity Fair Cover: Tina Fey As a Patriotic Pin-up

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Star F*#ker with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2008 by alphabetfiend

“The collective consciousness has said, ‘Tina, dahling, where have you been? Where on earth have you been?”’ — Alec Baldwin

The article featured in The January Issue of Vanity Fair  was a great meeting of the minds. The geek’s vixen (Maureen Dowd) interviewed the smart alec’s sex-pot (Tina Fey.)

Maureen Dowd interviewing Tina Fey? Hell yea! Sexy bitch to sexy bitch. It was also long and juicy, touching on Fey’s career, marriage, childhood and motherhood. It discussed what many think of as Fey’s fairy tale ugly ducking to swan transformation (although not everyone buys into the “Yay! Fey lost 30 lbs!” thang.  Myself, for example, and Fey’s hubby think she was just damn fine yum before.) The article also revealed that Fey was the childhood victim of violence via a disfiguring attack by a stranger. The latter was one of  several new things I learned about Fey.

On the duh duh duh “She’s sure perty”  front, the magazine satisfies. Although I was hoping for more pin-up style photos inside. Fey looks lovely in her little black dress but I dig the over-the-top goofiness of the cover and always love a fun costumey celeb spread.

Tina Fey looks so sexy-licious on the cover of January’s Vanity Fair.

So seriously sassy that it makes me want to stand up and salute. 

I ask not what can Tina Fey can do for me but what I can do for Tina Fey.

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Determined to get in good with Tina — a charming ” prude/lewd split personality” — Maureen Down wooed the famous Fey with sweets.

Her true vice is cupcakes. I’ve brought her a box, one frosted with the face of Sarah Palin. She chooses that one.

Fey wasn’t shy about choosing the biggest one or about chowing down on Sarah Palin. Fey isn’t trying to be a 90210 beauty but she does confess to striving for a more 212 NYC area-code kinda fetching.

She wanted to be “PBS pretty”—pretty for a smart writer.

She shed 30 — acceptable in Chicago pounds — and I dunno, waxed some stuff. Put on some glasses or changed her glasses. Supposedly went from a Nottie to a Hottie. What-ev. I was kinda blah on that aspect of the article. I don’t think Fey got fantastic through sheer force of Natzi-esque will. I call bullshit! Surely she was something special all along. Steve Higgins, an S.N.L. producer, attests to the come-hither having come with her all the way from Chi-town.

When she got here she was kind of goofy-looking, but everyone had a crush on her because she was so funny and bitingly mean.

The make-over Fey gave herself was subtle…. fortunately for the gnads of nerds everywhere. Tina Fey went from Geek to Geek-Chic. That whole pencil skirt & pencil stuck in a messy up-do look. Michael Specter, a New Yorker writer,  is glad she kept her look whip-smart calling Fey

“the sex symbol for every man who reads without moving his lips.”

Fey’s husband and long-time love, Jeff Richmond, wistfully describes Fey in “her pre-glamour-puss days, back in Chicago.”

She was quite round in a lovely, turn-of-the-century kind of round—that beautiful, Rubenesque kind of beauty. She used to wear crazy boots. She would wear knee-length frumpy dresses with thrift-store sweaters. It still looked kind of cool on her.

Richmond thought he and Fey made a good couple and not just because they both gobbled sandwiches with great abandon or laughed at Gary Shandling but because they’re off-beat beauty was complementary. At 5 feet three and one-half inches, Richmond was retro.

I used to get all my suits in thrift stores, because I realized I was the size of little old men who were dying

Dowd writes of how the handsome couple “fell in love quickly, soon after a Sunday afternoon spent together at Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry.”

Fey dead-panned, “We walked into a model of the human heart”

 Fey and Richmond seem to enjoy a “borderline-boring” marriage that thrives on communication, honesty and clear-cut rules.

“I know how she feels about some things, like, we never had to deal with any of this, but: adultery. Anything like that, messing around, is just such a complete ‘No’ to her. And she has her principles and she sticks to her principles more than anybody I’ve ever met in my life. Like that whole idea of, if you are in a relationship, there are deal breakers. There’s not a lot of gray area. “

They’ve never had to deal with adultery, in part I’m sure, because loyalty is they EXPECT from each other and there’s an expectation of serious consequences if they don’t do right. Fey expects Richmond to be a good guy because that’s what she WANTS in a man.

 “I don’t have that kind of ‘I love the bad guys’ thing. No, no thank you. I like nice people.”

Maureen Dowd was privy to a conversation — “woven with intimacy, the easy banter of a couple who knew each other long before fame hit” — between Fey and her “puckish” hubby.

“When we were first dating,” Richmond says, harking back to Chicago in 1994, “some of the guys at Second City said, ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be a hoot if we go over—”’

“‘—over to the Doll House,”’ Fey finishes. “‘We’ll go to this strip club ironically.’ I was like, ‘The fuck you will.”’

That had me chuckling cause: 

A) what a lucky lucky lad is Richmond to have Fey saying “The fuck you will” to him. Yum.

B) My abode, my home, has been known as “The Doll House” for years since back in the day when my roomies and I had a prank pretend punk band called “The Dollies” but now even brand new friends take to it quickly because, well, frankly I look like a doll. Not a stripper but an actual doll… think kewpie, not Barbie. After years of being called “Dollface” from every random someone — the butcher, the baker & the candlestick maker — I’ve finally embraced it (the right person started calling me DF I guess.) Sooooo my house has the same name as the strip club Fey’s man was forbidden (verboten) to enter? Well that’s just the best.

Fey likes to laugh at strippers not ogle them. She doesn’t wanna put dollars into their g-strings and she wants you to not want to either. She wants strippers to stop shaking their money makers and instead study art history in college. She wants them to put  down their sky-high lucite heels and pick up books, instruments (Fey played the flute) or easels. Why? Cause we’re better than that, she claims.

“I love to play strippers and to imitate them. I love using that idea for comedy, but the idea of actually going there? I feel like we all need to be better than that. That industry needs to die, by all of us being a little bit better than that.”

If Fey thinks we’re better than that then maybe we should try to be better. Maybe we should stand up and do right. There’s a lot of talk about Fey’s Germanic love of law & order (S.N.L. alum Colin Quinn calls Fey “Herman the German.”) Dowd can see why –” She’s a sprite with a Rommel battle plan.” Fey is a fan of Leni Riefanstahl’s auto-bio which at 669 pages is a thorough look into the Hitler-touched Natzi Propaganada filmmaker whose movies such as Triumph of the Will have been the river from which political propaganda feeds.

“If she hadn’t been so brilliant at what she did, she wouldn’t have been so evil, she was like, in the book, ‘He was the leader of the country. Who was I not to go?’ And it’s like, Note to self: Think through the invite from the leader of your country.”

As Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White were giving out the Emmy for outstanding comedy series, Fey found herself coveting the award or rather the actual physical statuette that would be passed from their hands to hers.

“I had this visceral thing of, like, I want them to gimme that! I want to get that from those ladies!”

Symbolism was not lost on the Emmy deities.

Within moments 30 Rockwas called and she went up onstage, glowing in a strapless eggplant mermaid David Meister gown, to take the Emmy from the two women who had provided the template for her own show. It was a dazzling Cinderella moment (except for Fey’s purse getting stolen while she was onstage). She got her own slipper, writing and willing herself into the role, and the shoe wasn’t glass. It was a silver Manolo Blahnik.

What kind of total a-hole would steal Tina Fey’s purse while she was accepting her well-deserved symbol-soaked Emmy?

 Although that a-hole aint nothin’ compared to the sicko psycho who slashed a child’s face.

Liz Lemon favors her right side. That’s because a faint scar runs across Tina Fey’s left cheek, the result of a violent cutting attack by a stranger when Fey was five. Her husband says, “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up, and she just thought somebody marked her with a pen.” You can hardly see the scar in person. But I agree with Richmond that it makes Fey more lovely, like a hint of Marlene Dietrich noir glamour in a Preston Sturges heroine.

“That scar was fascinating to me,” Richmond recalls. “This is somebody who, no matter what it was, has gone through something. And I think it really informs the way she thinks about her life. When you have that kind of thing happen to you, that makes you scared of certain things, that makes you frightened of different things, your comedy comes out in a different kind of way, and it also makes you feel for people.”

The violent attack Fey suffered at the hands of a sadistic stranger and the scars that still remain were by far the most riveting part of the article. It’s illuminating. On so many levels. I’m a much bigger fan of Fey’s than I was before and readers of this blog know how I loves me some Fey.

Marci Klein—the cool, tall, blonde executive producer of 30 Rock and producer of S.N.L., and the daughter of Calvin Klein—who was kidnapped for 10 hours when she was 11, remembers, “Tina said to me, ‘Well, you know, Marci, we had the Bad Thing happen to us. We know what it’s like.”’

I too am someone who had what Fey calls THE BAD THING happen. My heart broke for that child and her soft cheek and then my heart soared to see yet again how those traumas set people on a special path. Such an intense experience can have an almost shamanic quality, shaking a person up in such a way that they are transformed. There’s an alchemy that comes from healing, from making something like that into something new and better for yourself…experiencing it and then surviving it is a psychological vision quest that us “victims” are lucky to go on. Does it suck that it happened to her? YES. Is that part of Fey’s magic? No doubt.

That said, I can see why Fey “rarely mentions the episode” and continues to struggle with it, sometimes even when she’s not expecting it to resurface.

 “It’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it,” says Fey

She used therapy to cope with her extremely fearful reaction to the anthrax attack at 30 Rock shortly after 9/11—the first time her co-workers had seen her vulnerable. The therapist talked to her about 9/11 and the anthrax delivered to Tom Brokaw’s office, linking them to the crime against her when she was little. “It’s the attack out of nowhere,” Fey says. “Something comes out of nowhere, it’s horrifying.”

When asked how that little kid trauma has affected her now that she’s mama to her own kiddie, Fey seemed prepared for some potentially rough times.

“Supposedly, I will go crazy. My therapist says, ‘When Alice is the age that you were, you may go crazy.”’

But then again Fey may just be okay, having been willing to explore it through therapy as well as through art. She’s processed it — at least creatively.

Liz Lemon’s blustery Republican boss, Jack Donaghy, played with comic genius by Alec Baldwin, tells Lemon, “I don’t know what happened in your life that caused you to develop a sense of humor as a coping mechanism. Maybe it was some sort of brace or corrective boot you wore during childhood, but in any case I’m glad you’re on my team.”

Plus there’s the fact that Fey doesn’t have much patience for drama or crazy. Dowd asks her if she ever counsels Lindsay Lohan, Tracy Morgan or Alec Baldwin.

“I have no enabler bone in my body—not one. I’m sort of like, ‘Oh, are you going crazy? I’ll be back in an hour.'”

Janeane Garofalo, in a recent interview in Geek Monthly, talked about being a now lefty who came from a righty-whitey background. Tina Fey came from a similar situation.

“I grew up in a family of Republicans. And when I was 18 and registering to vote, my mom’s only instruction was “You just go in and pull the big Republican lever.” That’s my welcome to adulthood. She’s like, “No, don’t even read it. Just pull the Republican lever.”

Which makes me wonder what are those Repub’s feeding their daughters to make them so damn funny? A buncha bullshit, I s’pose. Both comediennes have come a long way from those right-wing roots and are nows forces to reckoned with in leftist or Democratic politics. Garofalo has “liberal” inked into her flesh — them’s fightin’ words! — like the new bad-ass biker tat. Fey announced she would be leaving the planet if McCain-Palin won the White House. Thanks, in part, to Fey’s masterful skewering of Palin, no one has to be shot into space. While Fey isn’t known for her impressions, it was clear the universe wanted her to ape Palin. It’s one of those mysterious ways in which the world works.  Said Master SNL  Impresario, Darrell Hammond:

“I’ve never seen a better impression. If they put those two on a sonar, they would match up electronically.”

Speaking of those mysterious ways, Adam McKay (who wrote some of the Fey as Palin S.N.L.sketches) pointed out the absurd perfection of the whole Fey as Palin thang.

“It is the most ridiculous, borderline-dangerous thing that the Republican vice-presidential nominee happened to look like the funniest woman working in America.” 

(***View video of Tina Fey’s photo shoot for this month’s Vanity Fair.)

Amy Poehler sez “Sayonara” to SNL

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , on December 14, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Amy Poehler is leaving SNL and tonight at the Weekend Update desk she thanked her SNL fans.

She’s supposed to be on an Office spin-off.

It will probably be funny as hell but I’ll miss her on SNL.

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Amy was ready to go though.

It’s gonna be really hard — Boyz II Men hard — to say goodbye. SNL was dangerous, late-night, last-minute and star-studded, but like any good drug, you need to know when to put it down.

She probably wanted to spend more time with that new baby too… the child she shares with funny hubby Will Arnett. Little Archie Arnett!

House Rocks the House on SNL

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Hugh Laurie hosted the holiday episode of SNL.

Kanye West was the musical guest.

It was an interesting pairing.

Hugh Laurie plays an arrogant a-hole on TV and Kanye West is the real life thing. 

aaa

Hugh Laurie could not withstand the foul-mouthed flirtations of Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph and broke into a blushful twitter… which was really quite charming. I’m with Rudolph:

No no you sit down, you gotta talk British some more.

The following quote, from an an obligatory Christmas dinner skit, may make it onto my Xmas cards:

Merry F-ing Christmas. You know what? F* you. F* Christmas.

(I actually love Christmas. Madly.  But being forced to celebrate with a bunch of scrooges is no fun. Every year I think I probably would enjoy the holiday more if I could just be alone to revel in the dorkyness of the season… just me and my tinsel, mistletoe, eggnog & bad lifetime movies.)

Normally, I love Weekend Update much much muchly but this week I was kinda grossed out when they made fun of the New York Governor, David Paterson, for being blind. OK, for being a blind cracky but still. It weirded me out.  We should be excited to have diversity in politics. Especially now, with Obama’s win. We need diversity in politics. It’s a must. We need people of color, people with disabilities, gay people, women, transgender folks. We need it all!  America is about that someone with “a gamey arm or the giant gums with the tiny teeth.” We need to “pull outta the freak bin.” It was just very old skool oppressive and in poor taste. (You know it’s bad when I’m squawking about poor taste!)

A blind man who loves cocaine… my life is like the plot of a Richard Pryor movie.

But then my hackles settled a bit when during the “Really?” segment of Weekend Update Poehler commented on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s idiocy for getting caught on tape and failing to use code words.

When I call up my weed guy and ask for $50 bucks worth of circus tickets, you know what he doesn’t bring me? Circus tickets!

That got me laughing. Cause I love the circus!!!!!  Weed’s not the worst either. I’d rather have circus tickets though. Fo Sho.

There was also a sad-funny joke about Michael Jackson’s bling bling glove going up for auction.

Man, if that glove could talk! It wold probably apologize to a lotta kids.

Finally, Amy Poehler said goodbye. Her stint on SNL is officially over. She’s gonna concentrate on an Office spin-off and on being mama to Archie Arnett.

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Reno Hotties Hit Prime Time

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Technicolor Pop, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Two of the sexy bitches from Reno 911 have recently done guest star turns in prime time TV shows.

Wendi Mclendon-Covey (she plays Deputy Clementine Johnson on Reno) did a perfect turn as a swinger wife on the new sitcom “Kath & Kim.”

Kerri Kenney (she plays Deputy Trudy Wiegel on Reno) was was barely recognizable as a glam magician’s assistant on “Pushing Daisies.”  (see photo below.)

Kerri Kenney looking perty (far left)

Kerri Kenney looking perty (far left)

“Pushing Daisies” is in trouble and has probably had its head lopped off (yep, it’s been canceled, it’s official) which made it hard to enjoy the last few episodes even though they were pretty delish. The show is by the same people who did the short-lived but masterful “Wonder Falls” and like “Wonder Falls,”  Pushing Daisies proved to be too quirky for the average viewer. Pushing Daisies is visually stunning  and better than most things out there, although it can be a tad too gimmicky and scooby-doo episodic.  Still, it was getting better and I hate to see it go. (Oh! Swoosie Kurtz is AMAZING as a mermaid in a jeweled eye-patch. Ah. Freak Love.)  As a magical realism lit-fiction writer, I’m excited by every failed attempt to bring magical realism to TV.  The charming episode where Kerri Kenney is the assistant to The Great Herman (Fred Williard was awesome!) was probably one of the last episodes we’ll ever see of Pushing Daisies. She rocked it!  I wish I had a clip but I’ve looked and can’t locate one. You can only see her briefly in this promo for the episode called “Oh Oh It’s Magic!”

Kath & Kim — based on a successful Australian comedy of the same name — is probably in some trouble of its own. Starring Molly Shannon and Selma Blair as mall worshippers engrossed in popular culture and not much else, Kath & Kim is oddly endearing and definitely grows on you. I love dorks so I really love this show with the dorkiest romance ever between Kath Day and Phil Night. (Knight?) It just goes to show that the harder you try to be cool the more you miss the mark. I love Molly Shannon and want the show to do well but I worry cause it’s pretty weird. In the episode “Friends” (which aired December 11th) Kath & Phil throw a Christmas party and invite people they barely know. Wendi Mclendon-Covey was small town dreamy as wife to a mall security guard. Loved it! See Mclendon-Covey in an NBC clip. 

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Technically all three of the original Reno ladies have been on prime time in the last 6 months or so. Niecy Nash — the hardest working woman in show biz — was on that horrible sitcom about the hotel. But that sucked too much to count. Nash shines as Deputy Raineesha Williams though.

Janeane Garofalo Spills (on) Her Ink

Posted in Goof & Glamour, I Heart Funny Femmes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2008 by alphabetfiend

 “If you’re appealing to the most amount of people all the time, you’re probably doing something wrong. If you’re a person who appeals to people with discerning taste-if some people love you and some people hate you-you’re probably doing something right.” — Janeane Garofalo

I’m one of the ones that loves Janeane Garofalo.

I’ve loved her forever. I loved her curves & platform shoes in Reality Bites. (See below for you-tube clip of Garofalo shakin’ her booty to “My Sharona”  in a gas station.) I think she’s gorgeous, intelligent & funny. If I met her out in the world, as a random person, I would like her much and befriend her quickly.  So I was excited to see her in the latest issue of Inked magazine.

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Janeane Garafalo had a nice juicy article (not a unsatisfying blurb) in the December issue of Inked.

Inky Pink is on the cover.

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Inked  magazine is kinda irksome. The interplay of tats & $2000 bags bums my tattoo artist Tina Forever.  But I love to hear the stories behind people’s ink so I enjoy the magazine. I also love the insanely sexy glam photos of tattooed ladies. Plus I think, in terms of it being arty & high fashion, that it’s nice to have alternative beauty ideals in that glossy guilty pleasure of the fashion magazine. I’ve also noticed the models are sometimes quite bootilicious. So on one hand I bow to my geisha Tina in all things tattoo… on the other hand I snap up a copy whenever I come across a new issue.

Then when Janeane Garofalo is inside — spilling behind-the-scenes details on her tats — I’m glad I did. (Sorry Tina. Here’s my hip. Go ahead and prick me. I’ve been a bad bad girl.)

Love that sexy bee-otch!

Garofalo blabbed about her pieces which number in the mid-teens and look killer yum yum on her. Yay!

I think I have 14 or 15. They’re all kind of splattered about-mostly on my arms, some on my stomach, some on my legs. My very first one was a star on my left calf. I got that because it was small and easily hidden. I liked it and I kept going from there. One of my favorite tattoo artists is Friday Jones. She did the Rosie the Riveter on my right arm. I really like the iconography. Instead of the government slogan “We Can Do It” underneath, I put “Valor,” from the phrase “A woman of valor, who can find? For her price is far above rubies.” Meaning it’s very difficult to find a courageous person-man, woman, or otherwise. It’s very valuable to be courageous, so I put it on my arm to remind me. I also didn’t want a government slogan from the World War II era on my arm.

Tattoo talk segued into politics — of course! — when the interviewer pointed out Garafalo’s left shoulder which is inked with the now honorary 4-letter word “Liberal.”

Being liberal is something to be very proud of. Over the last 30 years or so, the right wing of this country has managed to bastardize the word. They think it’s something to be feared because liberalism equals progress and social justice, and Republicans and conservatives hate progress and social justice. Liberal is not a dirty word. It’s not a pejorative.

She also discussed her hesitation to join the cast of 24 and her continuing struggle with the show’s depictions of torture.

I initially passed because some of the show’s creators’ politics are a little right wing for me. But then I realized, A. I need a job, B. I’m not myself on the show.

Creator Joel Surnow has jokingly called himself “a right-wing nut job.”  Oh, it’s not a joke. He is a right-wing nut job. While being a very funny guy, he’s also a right-wing nut job. That’s part of the reason I didn’t want to do it. I can’t honestly say that my conscience is clear about the torture on the show.

Politics segued into work, naturally, for Garofalo has been more politically-minded than career-minded and has often merged work & politics. She discussed the juicy gossip behind some of her famous roles such as her short (shorter than my 5 ft 2 in frame that can’t be allowed these big ole breasts… grrr) short stint on SNL.

You once said your stint on Saturday Night Live was the worst experience of your life.  For the five minutes when I was on it, it just happened to be at the rock bottom.  It’s been resurging since Tina Fey started there years ago-or, actually, since Molly Shannon came on. When Molly started, things started looking up.

Does the “SNL effect” on politics get more credit than it deserves? Nobody changes his vote because of a comedy bit. I do think, though, that cumulatively, shows like The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, SNL, Bill Maher, and David Letterman are showing the hypocrisies and absurdities of the contemporary Republican party. They’re hopefully helping to shape the feeling, Wow, this party is extinct. It should go the way of the dinosaurs.

She also dishes about her almost-roles like “Phoebe” on Friends and “Dorothy Boyd” on Jeremy Maguire.

Is it true that you turned down the role of Monica on Friends? No. There is some truth to it, but not exactly that. Long ago before Friends was Friends, when it was in its infancy, it was a show called Friends Like Us, and I was being considered for a role, like a goth girl, which I think morphed into Phoebe. Friends was created for Courteney Cox, so she was always Monica.

(Alpahabetfiend note… Friends may have been created for Cox but she was actually supposed to play Rachael and she chose to play Monica instead… I know b/c it’s the only reason I like Courtney Cox. That and the fact that she married a total freak. And named her baby Coco. A baby freak named Coco is too circusy & cute for words.)

What about rumors that you were close to getting the role of Dorothy Boyd in Jerry Maguire, which eventually went to Renée Zellweger? One of the producers wanted me to do it, with the caveat that I lose weight. Then I lost a bunch of weight and it turned out that the consensus was that I was too old. It’s hard to deny that Renee was perfect in that role. But I was first too fat and then too old.

Which brought us to another important issue — beauty ideals & body image — that Janeane Garofalo has addressed through-out her career which is one of the main reasons why I so adore her. I’m sure she’s made many women & girls feel more comfortable in their own skin.

You’ve been so open about body image. Do people still ask you to lose weight or change your appearance? Not anymore. When I started acting at 27, it was always, “Can you lose weight?” It’s kind of crappy, but that’s the gig. They pay you to look good on camera. I don’t agree with this, and I think with the advent of HDTV, it’s even worse, because nobody looks good on HD. It looks so cheesy when everybody’s hair looks like glass and their eyebrows are perfect. It bothers me. I don’t find any connection in it.

I must admit I was kinda bummed — and a tad less comfy in my own skin — when, asked about her breast reduction surgery, Garafalo dissed big titties. C’mon!

I had boobs like Dolly Parton. I’ve never thought big boobs were good. I hated them the second I got them. I did nothing but try to hide them my whole life, and as soon as I was in college I was like, These have got to go. I just didn’t like those pendulous boobs. When I did stand-up, people would heckle me because such a short person with such big boobs is very distracting.

OH! So that’s why I’m so…. distracting. Oh well, dolly-pardon me… I did not mean to distract you with my sleight of height and bouncy boobage. Grrr. Well, let’s move back to goodness, let’s let talk of flesh & skin take us back to ink. Garofalo attested to the legendary dickishness of Henry Rollins aka ASSHOLE.

You’ve also worked with Henry Rollins on The Henry Rollins Show. Do you guys talk tattoos? Not really. He doesn’t discuss his. He has a lot of tattoos all over his body, some good, some not so good. He also doesn’t take care of them, so a lot of them have faded terribly. He refuses to moisturize his skin because that would be girly-a little too metrosexual for him-so they’re not all in great stead. But of course the iconic Black Flag bars are the best. If it didn’t look like I was copying, I’d love to have those.

Would that piss him off? Yeah, he would not like that. I actually told him that I wished I could get the bars, and he said, “Don’t.”

And YES! She also said she’d tattoo Sarah Silverman’s face on her already hot bod… which would make Janeane what?  Sexy-Squared?  Funny-Squared? Oh hell yea!

Has a fan ever flaunted a Janeane Garofalo tattoo?Yes, oddly. It’s unbelievable, I know. A very young, nervous girl came up to me at a comedy club and showed me a tattoo of me on her arm. I was shocked and speechless, thinking, She’s gonna regret that. It was such a big piece on her little arm. I think I hurt her feelings by my reaction, and if I had it to do over again, I would’ve been more supportive. She was really proud of it. It was from a photo taken at the Clay Pigeons screening party years ago. I was in corduroys and a T-shirt, karate-kicking towards the camera. She had the picture exactly. Hopefully she was able to turn it into something better later on. I would put Sarah Silverman’s face on my body.

Janeane Garofalo with a Sarah Silverman’s saucy mug all across Janeane’s belly or backside? MMmm. Kinda makes me a touch tumescent. Mmmmmm. In addition to Silverman, Garofalo is laughing at — and with — Tina Fey, Molly Shannon, Upright Citizens Brigade, Flight of the Conchords, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Although when asked about Dane Cook’s comedic appeal Garofalo confessed to being flabbergasted.

 It is as big a fucking mystery to me as the pyramids of Giza. 

 “A woman of valor, who can find? For her price is far above rubies.”

Sarah Silverman on OJ Justice

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, I Heart Funny Femmes with tags , , , , on December 12, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Sarah Silverman, my darling dirty mud pie, was caught by TMZ paps at LAX yesterday. They asked her what she thought of OJ Simpson’s recent conviction.

“You know what? I feel like it’s kinda like Al Pacino winning an Oscar for Scent of a Woman. That may not have been the greatest movie in the world but he deserved it for so long before that for everything else.”

Oh how she rocks… let us count the ways… sigh.

You just know she's farting in all that frou frou!

You just know she's farting in all that frou frou!

She also confirmed that Jimmy Kimmel is once again her man.

Which pleases me… I think freaks should stick together so Sarah & Jimmy are my favorite Hollywood couple.

Check it out on TMZ.

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