Archive for Alphabetfiend

The Mrs. Butterworth Book Club

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Art & Culture, Art Lover, Books & Writing, Cinema & Filmmaking, Goof & Glamour, I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart My Love-Tribe, In Celebration of the Absurd, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 3, 2010 by alphabetfiend

“I’m one of the few who voted for Obama because he was a friend of Bill Ayers.” -JW    

I too am one of those few.    

 

     

My freaky filmmaker friend, Tim, and I recently started a two-person book club. We dubbed it “The Mrs. Butterworth Book Club,” after a surreal conversation we had in highschool in which Tim asked me, out of nowhere, “What would you do if you woke up and Mrs. Butterworth was at your bedside? She’d have to be on yer pillow cause she’s rather short.”    

I’ve always had a soft spot for the absurd and so I have a soft spot for Tim.    

“I didn’t have to worry about fitting in with a crowd I didn’t want to hang out with in the first place.” -JW    

 

Both fans of John Waters, we chose his new book “Role Models” as our first MBBC selection. “Role Models” — the latest of several memoirs by the filmmaker, writer and professional outcast — focuses on people who have inspired or influenced Waters. The book begins with >surprise!surprise!< Johnny Mathis then moves on to reformed Manson Girl Leslie Van Houten; later comes Commes des Garcons designer/deconstructionist Rei Kawakubo who crashes into various hillbilly heroes from Baltimore such as Ester the barmaid and Lady Zorro the lesbian stripper.    

    

“Nothing is more impotent than un unread library”   

John Waters writes about reading the way a junky waxes poetic over crack.  

I’ve just finished the chapter “Book Worm.” Love love! Waters is a notorious and obsessive bibliophile, owning nearly 9000 volumes of wordy goodness.I can’t wait until he writes a whole book like that chapter, where he’ll delve into one weirdo tome after another. That would be a fantastic book! Waters has smart, obscure taste in literature and continually surprises me with his thoughtful insights.    

The chapter on Little Richard is next. I can’t wait.    

I saw Little Richard not too long ago. It was a free show, just a few blocks from my house, in the U of TX quad, so we meandered over.    

   

I’ve seen many old greats and I’ve learned not to expect too much. I saw Hasil Adkins at The Continental Club, paid a penny too, he played maybe two longs and left the stage. I’ve seen Ramblin’ Jack where he’s talked all night tellin’ one great story after another but there was one raspy time where he sang a song, coughed, sang another song, coughed and took a bow. I think it was James Chance that left the stage in a hissy fit like he waz Fred Alan Wolf at a physics conference. (Wolf’s hissy fit worked out well for me. I chased him out and we chatted all afternoon. He set up his laptop in the shadows of a patio umbrella and semi-patiently explained to me his theory of the thalmus gland as rudimentary time machine. I Heart Fred Allan Wolf!)    

Little Richard did not disappoint.      

Little Richard glittered like an LSD rockstar. The old man rocker took that place down to the ground. Holy hell! I fuckin’ cried. Yep. I wept as Little Richard sent spasming waves of energy through a crowd of cheap, clueless college students.  Seeing Little Richard that soft summer evening was a spiritual thing. I had my own Little Richard religious experience.      

"Saint Richard" by Vicki Berndt

So far the Mrs. Butterworth Book Club mostly consists of gushing to one another on facebook about just how fucking great Role Models is and how much we love John Waters as a way of life, posting killer quotes as our status updates and generally annoying the rest of our facebook friends.    

Screw those less-enlightened folks whose only knowledge of John Waters is “he has something to do with that fat drag queen who ate dog shit in some movie that no one’s ever seen.” If that.     

Makes me wanna scream, “Divine ate the dog shit! The film was Pink Flamingos! John Waters was the director! Fuckface!”    

I’d throw in that fuckface at the end, just for extra measure, like the cherry on top of the sundae or the pretty that flatters please.    

No, I kid. Really. So what if they’re morons who wanna wait (who CAN wait) until Role Models comes out in paperback. Whaddo I care? I don’t, cause I kid, but it is funny how things have changed and yet stayed the same. Tim and I hung with different crowds in highschool. We might never have spoken if our inner freaks hadn’t had such magnetic pull and now, all grown up, I have so much more to say to Tim than to the gorgeous girls I once hung with (who are now smiling mothers posting owen mills portraits all over their facebook pages, with not one free moment to read and if they read they certainly wouldn’t read Waters’ odes to Manson girls, trannie derelicts or Johnny Mathis.)     

   

The Mrs. Butterworth Book Club has only two members but that’s more out of necessity than design, being that no one else has expressed an iota of interest.    

That’s fine with us, right, Tim? All the more dog shit for us!    

Today I went to type out a few sentences on Tim’s fb page and try as I might it wouldn’t post. Old school friends were im-ing me and I was losing patience in fine Luddite fashion. The pups were barking to announce guests and the Robot was calling from the other room. Frazzled, I copied my note to Tim and stuck it into my open wordpress window under quick-post for safekeeping….which has me thinking….hmmm. I was gonna review the book for y’all anyway so why not post my thoughts here and then send the links to Tim? Maybe some of you are reading Role Models too and wanna pipe in? Maybe Tim and I can convince you to read Role Models? Even if you’re not reading the book, please join the discussion and tell us about some of your own role models, heroes & muses. What about an infuriatingly brilliant nemesis…anyone got one of those? (I sure do. Don’t I, Sugarbear?) 

Waters sez "Read this"

If you’d like to join our very informal Mrs. Butterworth Book Club, we’d be glad to take on new members with a taste for the odd in literature and in life. We’re keepin’ it simple. See!  Here’s my fb note to Tim:    

Hey Tim! Checkin’ in to the Mrs. Buttersworth Book Club… am just about to start the Little Richard chapter on p.183, had a houseguest for a couple weeks and fell behind.    

All that stuff about the Manson’s O-MY! I never knew they’d sneak into houses and move the furniture. So trickster, I love it, but stabbing someone 16 times? Nah, not for me.    

All the Baltimore stuff in the bar chapter was a riot. I have some these “artsy hillbilly” friends from Baltimore and they tell the craziest stories ever. Plus I loved The Wire and Homicide, both set in Baltimore. Homicide was brilliantly cast by Pat Moran, whom Waters mentions repeatedly as “My friend, Pat Moran”.    

That stuff about lunatic mothers and the craziness those kids grew up with? I found all that to be just waaaay too familiar. Great reading tho. Great writing!    

 Finally, while I consider myself to be a big reader, life-long, I must confess to not having read even one of his five recommendations. Have you? Guess we know what we’ll read next in the MBBC, huh? Which one do you suggest? The pervy kid or the deluded ladies? Or pages and pages of dialogue? I’m up for any and all!    

I’m not a huge fanatic as far as his films go but as a man, as a mind, John Waters is thrilling.    

He’s also a hell of a writer and a real storyteller.    

This book has been a treat. I’m loving it. I’m devouring it.     

“Tennessee Williams wasn’t a gay cliché, so I had the confidence to try to not be one myself. Gay was not enough. It was a good start however.”    

 ** The Saint Richard painting is by Water’s soul-sista Vicki Berndt whom we’ve featured before on Cream Scene Carnival. Role Models is available at amazon and so is the Waters pick: In Youth is Pleasure by Denton Welch, with a forward by William Burroughs.    

A Slow-Mo Wednesday on WordPress

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Books & Writing, Friendship, I Heart Friends, I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart My Love-Tribe, I Heart Tricksters, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2010 by alphabetfiend

It was a slow, rainy day in Mississippi, which I craved after the chaotic heat of the last few weeks. The Robot asked if I wanted to drink beer on Magazine Street and I said no no no. No Nola today, not for me.

I was too exhausted from blowing the blooms offa roses like they waz fuzzy dandelions. I was too zapped from biting my tongue while my best friend talked crazy talk, just nodding my head when she said he waz her soulmate. I was over-wrought from bawling my eyes out on the porch steps cause crazy makes no fuckin’ sense but there’s no way to say it so there’s nothing to do but cry. I figgered she’d get there herself and she did.

She sez “Oh, the blooms off, it’s flat-out gone. Someone came along and blew it off, sent petals flying everywhere, and it was YOU!” And little trickster me, why I’ve never been prouder, even though her realization had her packing up a whole week early. After she pulled out, I crawled into bed and CRASHED. I slept for 12 hours, woke up, ate breakfast and then went back to sleep for another 4 hours. Now I’m curled up with the canine trinity and happy as hell to be here and not on Magazine Street.

On the plus side, I won’t be getting in trouble for my big mouth (again) because she does not read this. She reads everything I’ve ever written but not this. The very mention of wordpress or Cream Scene Carnival or bliggety-blog-blabla is enough to have her rolling her eyes as she stubs out her cig with ragged impatience. I said I was in an introspective writerly place and her face lit up, “Fiction?”  When I said no, her face fell like an avalanche. I’m so lucky, I know, to have someone champion my work. For 18 years, she’s been my biggest fan, but she hates this and hasn’t hesitated to say so. Why? Hmmm. She thinks it’s below me, that it’s a waste of my precious time, that it will lead nowhere (or rather, it won’t lead to her being able to see me on the shelves of your local Barnes & Noble and therefore, it’s going nowhere.) She thinks some asshole will stumble on my writing, either here or elsewhere on wordpress where I’ve posted the first 20 chapters of a novel in first draft (Pure Sweet Chocolate Sense) and that they will steal my stuff and use it to get where I should be going. I’d write it off as total paranoia but she’s been right about assholes before. She’s got a nose for assholes (this week not withstanding.)

I should be ecstatic that someone cares enough to obsessively worry like my friend does… and I am. Sorta. It’s odd being griped at for not writing when writing is all I’m doing these days. She feels I’ve got a gift for fiction and that fiction is where I belong. Fiction is my first love, my true love, but even at 10 yrs old I knew I wanted to master other forms of writing. I always expected to write everything from poetry to free-lance magazine columns/articles, from love letters to graffiti…. Cream Scene Carnival is representative of that creative mish-mash. Maybe if she took a real look at CSS she’d see “ME” in it and chill, but probably not. Like her, the word “blog” makes me bristle. Something about it seems not quite right… not quite “write.” I don’t really consider CSS a blog so much as a digital zine. If I “made it” as a blogger but not as a writer, I’d be devastated and then dead from all the I told you so’s. Which is not to say that I don’t think real quality writing is happening within the blog-o-sphere. Maybe it’s just about linguistics and literary pretension.

Still, I’m proud to be a Cream Scene carnie these days and grateful for all the support I’ve gotten from the people I’ve met through wordpress. I’m energized by the back and forth, the intimacy, and the immediacy of being able to knock something out and put it up to be read right that minute. I love how I never know what’s gonna make an impact and so I’m always surprised. I totally dig my dash — all the searches, the pathways people took to get to me, and sometimes to get back to me which is even better. It’s starting to happen where everyday someone is searching for “Cream Scene Carnival” in particular or else “Dia VanGunten writer/circus freak” or “TV sex carnival Dia Van” or some other variation on either my name, the site name or a specific post title. That never used to happen and now that it has, I’m paying close attention. 

I once got 900 hits in just one day for a post about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s first born. I’m a fan of both and so I was watching SNL and then on the late-late news, they said that Poehler had gone straight to the hospital from her final night on SNL, which had just aired. I giddily typed it up, never expecting the onslaught of views. It was timely, because it was late on a Saturday night/early on a Sunday morn and I was up anyway trying to get the punk rock gospel up for my “congregation” of misfit mystics. I ended up being one of the first to report it, even before Hollywood gossip sites, so I was top o’ google and still get hits for that post 2 years later. I’ve slaved over other posts — masterpieces in comparison, well thought-out, finely-crafted writing wise and typo-free — but they’ve been viewed by one very reliable reader and I always know it’s him cause he hops over from his own wordpress dash. I don’t mind either way. Really, to be honest, I write for myself first and then for that RELIABLE ONE… it’s all gravy after that. Lately, it’s looking like I have a reliable few and that’s cool too. Very.

In regard to my expectations for myself or the expectations that others have for me (see more of the above) — it’s those specific searches that most thrill me. It’s one thing to get lottsa hits as one person after another stumbles upon you because you’ve done a good job of staying current and guessing on that next big thing or even inventing that next big thing (in the case of one of my notorious top posts.) But it’s another thing entirely to be searched out, either because they’ve read you before and they dug it, or because they’ve heard from someone whose taste they trust that there’s something kinda freaky-deeky goin’ on over at “Cream Scene Carnival” and so they take the time to google and then to read. You end up with readers both ways but with the latter, you can see it happening and that’s a blast.

     
Lusty Luddite Looking to Seduce Lonely S 21 More stats
Home page 9 More stats
True Blood Theme Song: “Bad Things” by J 7 More stats
Peggy Hill in Flint’s Palin Porn: hot XX 4 More stats
Hot Mummy Love is Some Sexy Ass Gentle 2 More stats
Showtime’s Californication Makes My Brai 2 More stats
Tina Fey as Palin: “Not Afraid to get Ma 2 More stats
Baby Jesus Butt Plug (A real thing!) *Ad 2 More stats
About the Ringleader 2 More stats
Tryin’ To Make It Real Compared To What? 2 More stats
Swimming Pool Mermaid 2 More stats
Elvin Bishop’s “Fishin'” (Sunday AM Punk 1 More stats
My Sexual Custody 1 More stats
Peggy Hill to Star in Palin Porn? 1

A slow day in Mississippi, a slow day on wordpress, 58 views in all. I  love the goofy google poems that randomly rearrange everyday…. it’s like a window into meaning and culture. Here at wordpress we have these magical spaceship dashboards that give us a glimpse into the minds of human beings. What are people loving, laughing at, lusting after? What are they wondering about or wishing for?

I did a post a while back about the word “Diva” and how it’s been co-opted by obnoxious women with sparkly fingernails and I posted a clip of Sarah Silverman singing, “If you call yourself a diva, it better be for reals, and not just some sad pathetic kind of front…You’re probably not a diva, you’re a cunt.” She’d performed it in NYC for a storytelling thang which I’d listened to on pod-cast but no one had heard it outside of this small audience and no one cared a whip about my post. Until last Wednesday, when she must’ve played it on some late night talk show or something cause suddenly the cunt-diva searches came rolling in.

I have a couple posts about the amazing mofo comic Mike O’Connell of Million Dollar Strong and the hits are paltry but I fully expect to open my laptop someday and see it lit up & blinking like a white tinsel christmas tree.

I find it’s fun to anticipate the future obsessions of others and to be privy to their proclivities at present.

steampunk 22
tina fey 2
creme scene carnival 4
i wanna do bad things to you true blood 2
xxx carnival 2
janeane garofalo sexy 1
king of the porn peggy 1
bride frankenstein tattoo 1
hank hill porn 1
larry flint palin 1
tina fey’s wedgie 1
hot sexy mummies 1
peggy hill porn 1
true blood do bad things to you 1
camille rose garcia 1
true blood theme song 1
i dont know what you’ve done to me but i 1
californication 1
elvin bishop fishin 1
but i know this much is true; i wanna do 1
tumescent cock

I must say that I’m feelin’ pretty damn cheeky over the hilariously absurd collection of searches that show up on my dash. I’ve never written about Tina Fey’s wedgie and yet there it is, no nonsense white cotton panties all up in Fey’s yummy bizness. Mmmm. And “Janeane Garofalo sexy”??? Oh hell yea! Lately steampunks can’t get enough of the Lusty Luddite while the rumor I started about Peggy Hill starring in Flint’s Palin porn is finally beginning to slow down. The very talented artist Camille Rose Garcia is another sexy bitch that I’m proud to see on my dash. I’ve never written about a Bride of Frankenstein tattoo although I’m all inked up and was once the bride for Halloween. Funny story:

The following day was a Saturday and I was certain that people would still be celebrating so the Robot and I kept our wigs on as “Frank & Bride on their Honeymoon.” I wore a sheer ghosty nightie with black lace & garters showing through with marabou feather boudoir slippers. I also carried a little pink suitcase. But the Bot was the best with a green tee and green tights under his boxers and a BIG GREEN DILDO sticking outta his boxers like a franken’ woody. AWESOME! I was wrong, no one else was dressed up, but we did get in to see the band for free.

Perhaps, hearing about the giant green monster hard-on, it’s no surprise to you that I am especially proud of the “Tumescent Cock” search as well as “XXX Carnival.” I am certain that those Brits looking for “Hot Sexy Mummies” (that’s MILFs to you Yanks) are beyond disappointed to find actual bandage-bound mummies who’ve been lucky enough to find Everlasting Love. One of the coolest things that has happened lately is that people have started reading the Sunday AM Punk Rock Gospel which is my little 10 minute church for other godless heathens like myself who might still want to touch base with something beautiful on a Sunday. If church were more like the punk rock gospel, I’d probably go. No one ever read the punk rock gospel before, at least not on purpose, but I loved it and the RELIABLE ONE loved it so I kept doing it and now I see that folks are looking for it which pleases me to no end cause I’m that much closer to starting my own cult and getting fire-bombed by the government. We gots to have goals in life, right?

I love you, my sweet faceless kinksters, thanks for reading. Sorry for my hinky mood tonight — I’m zonked and I’m crabby, it’s rainy and the Bot’s drunk on Magazine Street, my best friend sneers at Cream Scene Carnival and that frustrates the shit outta me cause she hasn’t met all of you and so she doesn’t see what’s in it for me. I adore y’all, I do. Keep comin’ around. I’m here, I’m not goin’ no where, I swear!

Good night, my freaks, may you have sweet or wet dreams, whichever you prefer.

**P.S.** In ode to the deep south, there are two chickens in this rainy post — do you see the second one?

Cash Cab Hearts Kurt Vonnegut

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Dork Alert, TV with tags , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2008 by alphabetfiend

I was watching Cash Cab yesterday and was touched when, after a question about the author Kurt Vonnegut, Ben Bailey (host & cabbie) turned to the camera with a thumbs up.

We miss you, Kurt.

Cause wow we really do… all of us… maybe you don’t know you’re missing Kurt Vonnegut but believe me, you are! 

kurt-vonnegut

Which is exactly why I love Cash Cab — the game show that takes place in Ben Bailey’s NYC cab, only one of the countless cabs in the city. (OK 13,000. Someone counted.) So if, like me, you are DYING to play Cash Cab you must first be lucky enough to stumble into it. O! I want it to be me — the Alphabetfiend — bumbling & mumbling some Alphabet City address. I once watched as two older gentlemen won over $4000 dollars AND got dropped of at my favorite intersection in all the world. Across the way from the St. Marks Hotel (where I often stay like the village sleaze I am) and from the little Asian bakery where I get powdery cream puffs with a touch of green tea whipped into the fresh cream. Over there by where the tasty freeze truck parks. Right beside the Astor Place subway station where I love to jump on & off the 6. Yep, they were going to Starbucks but were it me I’d head straight to that tasty freeze and get me a butterscotch dip cone. I’d lick it while looking through the windows of that great bookstore and plotting my $4000 shopping spree. I’d have to hit H&M. Oh, no fair! Why can’t I be two old men in NYC, in Bailey’s cab, about to walk away with the most money ever won on Cash Cab? Why! Why I ask you?!  I was jealous of their winnings and I was jealous of their GPS location.

The Robot Boy and I would kick butt on Cash Cab. We know almost all the answers cause the questions are always about the random sort of literary smarty pants kind of shit we care about it. Crazy questions about space & time, ancient myth, freaky cult authors, haunted ships, famous amusement parks, or how to make a bomb. In recent episodes, two different episodes,  it all came down to questions whose answers I know in my bones.

  1. What Spanish city is not to be confused with an industrial city in Ohio? The contestents said “Seville. ” I knew they were done for as I screamed “TOLEDO!!!!!”
  2. The legendery amusement park, Cedar Point, is in what state? The guy risked $900 and lost it all when he answered “Washington” but I was serene as I swooned “OHIO.”

Both of those games ended in the riders being booted from the cab and left to walk on to their destination (or hail another less-fun cab that will ask you to pay them not the other way around.) But this Midwestern honey grew up in TOLEDO OHIO so I would not have been left like a loser on the curb. I spent every summer at Cedar Point, I spent every winter dreaming of that other Toledo.

Yep, it’s meant to be… me & Cash Cab sitting in a tree… k-i-s-s-i-n-g.  Gotta love the game show that mourns the loss of Vonnegut.

cash_cab_usa

I’d love to hail that hunk. Pick me pick me! Up! Cash Cab comes on the Discovery Channel between 5/4c -7/6c pm on weekdays. That’s four episodes so take a 25 minute break and see if you can beat me on Cash Cab. By the way, I’m watching it as we speak and Bailey has just said

“Cash Cab has a vanity plate. 7N78. Can you figure out what it means?”

I’m drawing a blank! What do you think?

W.W.A.M.D? Tina Fey’s Palin “Not afraid to get mavericky.”

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, Sex & XXX, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2008 by alphabetfiend

W.W.A.M.D?

What Would a Maverick Do?

Tina Fey — a sparkle in the dark midnight. Again.  Finally someone mentioned Palin’s “I tolerate the gays” crap! That yuck has been a pebble in my shoe for days. Done beautifully, of course. Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill. I need a “W.W.A.M.D?” bracelet like 10 minutes ago. If I wasn’t so lazy I’d start screening t-shirts. You MUST watch it for yourself. And even if you caught SNL you should give it another go because (while attempting to post the NBC clip, and failing) I laughed at different things every time. I was able to post it on myspace however. Here are some highlights, word for delicious word.  Didn’t I say that Tina Fey would shed some light?

Tina Fey illuminates....

Tina Fey illuminates....

           For starters…

  • Can I call you Joe? OK. Cause I practiced a few zingers where I called you Joe.
  • I love John McCain. He’s one of my dearest friends. but at the same time he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean let’s be frank, John McCain, and again this is a man I would take a bullet for, is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, God love him but he’s a raging maniac. And a dear dear friend. 

          When asked about the financial crisis:

  • Y’know John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks and gosh darnitt, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that plagues this great country of ours.

          How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick?

  • Y’know we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves what would a maverick do in this situation and then y’know we’ll do that.
  • John McCain voted against Wall Street regulations 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times. And again this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life stranded on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain. No doubt about it. I mean you should see my face light up when he walks into a room.

          Insiders & Outsiders:

  • Also too you see I think a little differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government ‘hey, get outta my way, stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter.”
  • I come from Scranton Pennsylvania and that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re ever gonna find. It’s a hell hole. An absolute jerkwater of a town. it’s just an awful awful sad place filled with sad desperate people. Nobody and I mean nobody but me has ever come outta that place. It’s a genetic cesspool. So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite cause I come from the absolute WORST place on earth.  Scranton Pennsylvania.  And Wilmington Delawares not much better.

          On global warming:

  • We don’t know if this climate change whoozie whatzie is man made or if it’s just a natural part of the end of days. But I’m not gonna talk about that. I would like to talk about taxes. Because with Barrack Obama yer gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get mavericky in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that and also too, the great Ronald Reagan.

          On same-sex marriage:

  • In an Obama-Biden administration same sex couples would be given the same property rights, rights to insurance and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be no distinction.

           So to clarify, do you support gay marriage?

  • Absolutely not. But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital and in a lot of ways that’s just as good if not better.
  • Y’know I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people cause I do. I tolerate  them with all my heart.

          On Health care Regulation?

  • I’m gonna ignore that question. And instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are gonna say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters but from a very young age my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.

           A now a chance to make a closing statement:

  • Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?
  • Sure there were moments when I wanted to say “Hey, this lady’s a dummy!” But I didn’t because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat. Joe Biden is BETTER  than THAT.
  • I liked being here tonight answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream “gotcha!” media with their follow up questions, fact checking or incessant need to figure out what yer words mean or why you put them in that order. 
We should all repay Fey with sexual favors. It's the least we could do.

We should all repay Fey with sexual favors. It's the least we could do.

If Margaret Cho goes down on Sarah Palin, as she’s offered to do, then I’m so gonna suckle Tina Fey. Or if she’d prefer, she could totally do me with a strap-on. Whatever Tina Fey wants. She’s a sexy bitch… and plus, I feel like I owe her. No anal though. I don’t owe her that much.

Peggy Hill to Star in Palin Porn?

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, Porn Stars are Peeple too, Sex & XXX, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Is Peggy Hill the Palin look-a-like to star in Larry Flint’s “Nailin Palin”?
Peggy & Palin are both impressed with themselves

Peggy & Palin are both impressed with themselves

In my last post about the Palin porn, I confessed my cartoon kink. Dirty cartoons are some silly sexy.  Peggy’s perfect for the part. (Palin and Peggy have lots in common; they’re both unqualified idiots who only think they’re smart.) Peggy could stick her giant feet up McCain’s arse-hole and then Hank could show up with his hammer and then the rest. How’s that for Joe Six-Pack? I bet Boomhauer’s huge! That’s why he gets all that boom-boom. It wouldn’t be Peggy’s first foray into porn. She once did online foot fetish videos. If Flint came a knocking, I tell-you-whut, he got hit with Hank’s hammer. (giggety) Hank was all like “I’m the King of this hill!” So Larry cast someone else.
I'm probably the only one who'd prefer Peggy

I'd prefer Peggy -- I'm alone in that no doubt.

Her name is Lisa Ann and she was paid $3000 to star in the Hustler flick. Porn star Nina Hartley was cast as Hillary. I spy some XXX girl-on-girl action. Hope Hartley was careful with her tongue cause like Margaret Cho said, “You know that thing is frozen.” Hartley’s lucky she wasn’t lapping at the real Palin or else it could’ve been a very gross reenactment of the frozen pole (giggety) scene from Christmas Story.

Watch where you put yer tongue!

Watch where you put yer tongue!

 Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak from Austin, Texas.

McCain Dreams of Dictatorship! Isn’t that a Deal-breaker?

Posted in politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Who’d a thunk that a presidential nominee could say he’s always aspired to be a dictator and America would just nod, “Well, isn’t that nice, it’s good to have a dream. Think big, boy, think big.”  OK, maybe we didn’t say that but we said nothing. Nothing. Like it’s no biggie. How can that be? If we elect John McCain, that’ll be all the atta-boy he needs. He’s running for President of the United States but he wants more power than the oval office allows. Are we down with a dictator, America?

Captain America sez "Down with Dictators!"

Captain America sez "I'm voting for the guy who's not a dictator. And doesn't want to be."

I was gonna write about Californication yesterday… but then McCain said some crazy scary shite even for him. Clear as day, easy as pie, like it was a familiar thought, John McCain said “If I were a dictator, which I always aspire to be –“ and my jaw dropped. My solar plexus tightened. I got the wicked chills. Writing about a sexy TV show went straight out the window. Instead I furiously typed away in a rush to post before McCain’s comments hit the evening news and the clip blew up all over the net (it’s on video, there’s no rumor, there’s no innuendo.) But I haven’t heard a peep about it and the piece I posted has had only a handful of hits. This worries me. This should’ve raised some hackles.

But this hubby & his honey moment was evil?

This hubby & his honey moment was pure evil.

After Senator Barrack Obama received the democratic nomination, he and (future first lady, fingers crossed) Michelle Obama shared a “we did it, baby” fist bump. That innocent gesture had everyone so spooked that the Obamas were accused of being Taliban-supporting terrorists. Yet McCain confesses that he has always aspired to be a dictator and it’s not even a blip on the radar? Maybe I’m naive but that surprises me. America is a Democracy not a Dictatorship. A presidential nominee should be the first to uphold our country’s vaunted “democratic ideals.” Why is no one saying “What up with that, old man? Wanna take it outside?” Aren’t those fighting words in this the old U-S-of-A? It oughta warrant a tighty-whitey wedgie at the very least.

Normally, I loves me a maverick but McCain doesn’t deserve his nickname. Not anymore. He’s a loose cannon nutball, not an outlaw trickster with a fresh vision and a brave plan. And now that he’s saying I’ve always aspired to be a dictator, well, I have to wonder if maverick is just code for something darker and more sinister.

Mao is a gas as Mickey but in real life, no. No no no.

Despite being a recent pop fad, dictators are still evil despots. McCain’s comment oughta be a deal breaker. Dictators are death. They’re silly as flocked Kozik busts but in real life, in our real lives, no good. No good! Bad. To the bone.

Is Pinko Smokin' Joe a McCain hero?

Is Pinko Joe a McCain hero?

I got the Robot Boy a Smoking Joe for his birthday and it’s a witty touch atop a stack of books on punk rock, trickster gods & Anarchy. But I would never invite the real Stalin over for cake and ice cream. The Robot Boy might — for the sake of dialogue — but political conversations can be a downer; toss in a Tyrant and that’s a real party pooper.

You’d think that McCain’s comment (“If I were a dictator, which I always aspire to be–“) would’ve dropped like a hot steaming turd all over the Republican Party. Party’s over, folks, go home and wash the stink off. Letterman was spot on when he said the McCain campaign’s “starting to smell.”

As my dad used to say — “No shit, Sherlock.”

Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.

Whose drunk after the debate?

Posted in politics, Rock & Roll, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Folks bein' "out sick" tomorrow not gonna help the economy.

Folks bein' "out sick" tomorrow not gonna help the economy.

Were you knocking back shots every time someone said “taxes”?

Get thee to the ER!

A Joe Six-pack swig for every Palin “you betcha!” or “also”?

Uh oh.

A fiery gulp of whiskey for every call to “change”?

Don’t sleep on your back tonight.

For those of you too drunk to know,  Joe definitely did the best jaw job. “Overwhelmingly,” stresses the Robot Boy. Sarah Palin was hilarious once she got over her moose-in-the-headlights panic. I spy Tina Fey practicing in the mirror! God bless her. Her reward is in heaven. Quick question though, “Who the hell is Talibani?”

The laughs were wonderful gut busters but Biden won. Clearly.

In crossword puzzles, they call that a “ROUT.”

 

Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.

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