Archive for Amy Poehler

A Slow-Mo Wednesday on WordPress

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Books & Writing, Friendship, I Heart Friends, I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart My Love-Tribe, I Heart Tricksters, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2010 by alphabetfiend

It was a slow, rainy day in Mississippi, which I craved after the chaotic heat of the last few weeks. The Robot asked if I wanted to drink beer on Magazine Street and I said no no no. No Nola today, not for me.

I was too exhausted from blowing the blooms offa roses like they waz fuzzy dandelions. I was too zapped from biting my tongue while my best friend talked crazy talk, just nodding my head when she said he waz her soulmate. I was over-wrought from bawling my eyes out on the porch steps cause crazy makes no fuckin’ sense but there’s no way to say it so there’s nothing to do but cry. I figgered she’d get there herself and she did.

She sez “Oh, the blooms off, it’s flat-out gone. Someone came along and blew it off, sent petals flying everywhere, and it was YOU!” And little trickster me, why I’ve never been prouder, even though her realization had her packing up a whole week early. After she pulled out, I crawled into bed and CRASHED. I slept for 12 hours, woke up, ate breakfast and then went back to sleep for another 4 hours. Now I’m curled up with the canine trinity and happy as hell to be here and not on Magazine Street.

On the plus side, I won’t be getting in trouble for my big mouth (again) because she does not read this. She reads everything I’ve ever written but not this. The very mention of wordpress or Cream Scene Carnival or bliggety-blog-blabla is enough to have her rolling her eyes as she stubs out her cig with ragged impatience. I said I was in an introspective writerly place and her face lit up, “Fiction?”  When I said no, her face fell like an avalanche. I’m so lucky, I know, to have someone champion my work. For 18 years, she’s been my biggest fan, but she hates this and hasn’t hesitated to say so. Why? Hmmm. She thinks it’s below me, that it’s a waste of my precious time, that it will lead nowhere (or rather, it won’t lead to her being able to see me on the shelves of your local Barnes & Noble and therefore, it’s going nowhere.) She thinks some asshole will stumble on my writing, either here or elsewhere on wordpress where I’ve posted the first 20 chapters of a novel in first draft (Pure Sweet Chocolate Sense) and that they will steal my stuff and use it to get where I should be going. I’d write it off as total paranoia but she’s been right about assholes before. She’s got a nose for assholes (this week not withstanding.)

I should be ecstatic that someone cares enough to obsessively worry like my friend does… and I am. Sorta. It’s odd being griped at for not writing when writing is all I’m doing these days. She feels I’ve got a gift for fiction and that fiction is where I belong. Fiction is my first love, my true love, but even at 10 yrs old I knew I wanted to master other forms of writing. I always expected to write everything from poetry to free-lance magazine columns/articles, from love letters to graffiti…. Cream Scene Carnival is representative of that creative mish-mash. Maybe if she took a real look at CSS she’d see “ME” in it and chill, but probably not. Like her, the word “blog” makes me bristle. Something about it seems not quite right… not quite “write.” I don’t really consider CSS a blog so much as a digital zine. If I “made it” as a blogger but not as a writer, I’d be devastated and then dead from all the I told you so’s. Which is not to say that I don’t think real quality writing is happening within the blog-o-sphere. Maybe it’s just about linguistics and literary pretension.

Still, I’m proud to be a Cream Scene carnie these days and grateful for all the support I’ve gotten from the people I’ve met through wordpress. I’m energized by the back and forth, the intimacy, and the immediacy of being able to knock something out and put it up to be read right that minute. I love how I never know what’s gonna make an impact and so I’m always surprised. I totally dig my dash — all the searches, the pathways people took to get to me, and sometimes to get back to me which is even better. It’s starting to happen where everyday someone is searching for “Cream Scene Carnival” in particular or else “Dia VanGunten writer/circus freak” or “TV sex carnival Dia Van” or some other variation on either my name, the site name or a specific post title. That never used to happen and now that it has, I’m paying close attention. 

I once got 900 hits in just one day for a post about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s first born. I’m a fan of both and so I was watching SNL and then on the late-late news, they said that Poehler had gone straight to the hospital from her final night on SNL, which had just aired. I giddily typed it up, never expecting the onslaught of views. It was timely, because it was late on a Saturday night/early on a Sunday morn and I was up anyway trying to get the punk rock gospel up for my “congregation” of misfit mystics. I ended up being one of the first to report it, even before Hollywood gossip sites, so I was top o’ google and still get hits for that post 2 years later. I’ve slaved over other posts — masterpieces in comparison, well thought-out, finely-crafted writing wise and typo-free — but they’ve been viewed by one very reliable reader and I always know it’s him cause he hops over from his own wordpress dash. I don’t mind either way. Really, to be honest, I write for myself first and then for that RELIABLE ONE… it’s all gravy after that. Lately, it’s looking like I have a reliable few and that’s cool too. Very.

In regard to my expectations for myself or the expectations that others have for me (see more of the above) — it’s those specific searches that most thrill me. It’s one thing to get lottsa hits as one person after another stumbles upon you because you’ve done a good job of staying current and guessing on that next big thing or even inventing that next big thing (in the case of one of my notorious top posts.) But it’s another thing entirely to be searched out, either because they’ve read you before and they dug it, or because they’ve heard from someone whose taste they trust that there’s something kinda freaky-deeky goin’ on over at “Cream Scene Carnival” and so they take the time to google and then to read. You end up with readers both ways but with the latter, you can see it happening and that’s a blast.

     
Lusty Luddite Looking to Seduce Lonely S 21 More stats
Home page 9 More stats
True Blood Theme Song: “Bad Things” by J 7 More stats
Peggy Hill in Flint’s Palin Porn: hot XX 4 More stats
Hot Mummy Love is Some Sexy Ass Gentle 2 More stats
Showtime’s Californication Makes My Brai 2 More stats
Tina Fey as Palin: “Not Afraid to get Ma 2 More stats
Baby Jesus Butt Plug (A real thing!) *Ad 2 More stats
About the Ringleader 2 More stats
Tryin’ To Make It Real Compared To What? 2 More stats
Swimming Pool Mermaid 2 More stats
Elvin Bishop’s “Fishin'” (Sunday AM Punk 1 More stats
My Sexual Custody 1 More stats
Peggy Hill to Star in Palin Porn? 1

A slow day in Mississippi, a slow day on wordpress, 58 views in all. I  love the goofy google poems that randomly rearrange everyday…. it’s like a window into meaning and culture. Here at wordpress we have these magical spaceship dashboards that give us a glimpse into the minds of human beings. What are people loving, laughing at, lusting after? What are they wondering about or wishing for?

I did a post a while back about the word “Diva” and how it’s been co-opted by obnoxious women with sparkly fingernails and I posted a clip of Sarah Silverman singing, “If you call yourself a diva, it better be for reals, and not just some sad pathetic kind of front…You’re probably not a diva, you’re a cunt.” She’d performed it in NYC for a storytelling thang which I’d listened to on pod-cast but no one had heard it outside of this small audience and no one cared a whip about my post. Until last Wednesday, when she must’ve played it on some late night talk show or something cause suddenly the cunt-diva searches came rolling in.

I have a couple posts about the amazing mofo comic Mike O’Connell of Million Dollar Strong and the hits are paltry but I fully expect to open my laptop someday and see it lit up & blinking like a white tinsel christmas tree.

I find it’s fun to anticipate the future obsessions of others and to be privy to their proclivities at present.

steampunk 22
tina fey 2
creme scene carnival 4
i wanna do bad things to you true blood 2
xxx carnival 2
janeane garofalo sexy 1
king of the porn peggy 1
bride frankenstein tattoo 1
hank hill porn 1
larry flint palin 1
tina fey’s wedgie 1
hot sexy mummies 1
peggy hill porn 1
true blood do bad things to you 1
camille rose garcia 1
true blood theme song 1
i dont know what you’ve done to me but i 1
californication 1
elvin bishop fishin 1
but i know this much is true; i wanna do 1
tumescent cock

I must say that I’m feelin’ pretty damn cheeky over the hilariously absurd collection of searches that show up on my dash. I’ve never written about Tina Fey’s wedgie and yet there it is, no nonsense white cotton panties all up in Fey’s yummy bizness. Mmmm. And “Janeane Garofalo sexy”??? Oh hell yea! Lately steampunks can’t get enough of the Lusty Luddite while the rumor I started about Peggy Hill starring in Flint’s Palin porn is finally beginning to slow down. The very talented artist Camille Rose Garcia is another sexy bitch that I’m proud to see on my dash. I’ve never written about a Bride of Frankenstein tattoo although I’m all inked up and was once the bride for Halloween. Funny story:

The following day was a Saturday and I was certain that people would still be celebrating so the Robot and I kept our wigs on as “Frank & Bride on their Honeymoon.” I wore a sheer ghosty nightie with black lace & garters showing through with marabou feather boudoir slippers. I also carried a little pink suitcase. But the Bot was the best with a green tee and green tights under his boxers and a BIG GREEN DILDO sticking outta his boxers like a franken’ woody. AWESOME! I was wrong, no one else was dressed up, but we did get in to see the band for free.

Perhaps, hearing about the giant green monster hard-on, it’s no surprise to you that I am especially proud of the “Tumescent Cock” search as well as “XXX Carnival.” I am certain that those Brits looking for “Hot Sexy Mummies” (that’s MILFs to you Yanks) are beyond disappointed to find actual bandage-bound mummies who’ve been lucky enough to find Everlasting Love. One of the coolest things that has happened lately is that people have started reading the Sunday AM Punk Rock Gospel which is my little 10 minute church for other godless heathens like myself who might still want to touch base with something beautiful on a Sunday. If church were more like the punk rock gospel, I’d probably go. No one ever read the punk rock gospel before, at least not on purpose, but I loved it and the RELIABLE ONE loved it so I kept doing it and now I see that folks are looking for it which pleases me to no end cause I’m that much closer to starting my own cult and getting fire-bombed by the government. We gots to have goals in life, right?

I love you, my sweet faceless kinksters, thanks for reading. Sorry for my hinky mood tonight — I’m zonked and I’m crabby, it’s rainy and the Bot’s drunk on Magazine Street, my best friend sneers at Cream Scene Carnival and that frustrates the shit outta me cause she hasn’t met all of you and so she doesn’t see what’s in it for me. I adore y’all, I do. Keep comin’ around. I’m here, I’m not goin’ no where, I swear!

Good night, my freaks, may you have sweet or wet dreams, whichever you prefer.

**P.S.** In ode to the deep south, there are two chickens in this rainy post — do you see the second one?

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Amy Poehler sez “Sayonara” to SNL

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , on December 14, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Amy Poehler is leaving SNL and tonight at the Weekend Update desk she thanked her SNL fans.

She’s supposed to be on an Office spin-off.

It will probably be funny as hell but I’ll miss her on SNL.

amy_poehler_2

Amy was ready to go though.

It’s gonna be really hard — Boyz II Men hard — to say goodbye. SNL was dangerous, late-night, last-minute and star-studded, but like any good drug, you need to know when to put it down.

She probably wanted to spend more time with that new baby too… the child she shares with funny hubby Will Arnett. Little Archie Arnett!

House Rocks the House on SNL

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Hugh Laurie hosted the holiday episode of SNL.

Kanye West was the musical guest.

It was an interesting pairing.

Hugh Laurie plays an arrogant a-hole on TV and Kanye West is the real life thing. 

aaa

Hugh Laurie could not withstand the foul-mouthed flirtations of Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph and broke into a blushful twitter… which was really quite charming. I’m with Rudolph:

No no you sit down, you gotta talk British some more.

The following quote, from an an obligatory Christmas dinner skit, may make it onto my Xmas cards:

Merry F-ing Christmas. You know what? F* you. F* Christmas.

(I actually love Christmas. Madly.  But being forced to celebrate with a bunch of scrooges is no fun. Every year I think I probably would enjoy the holiday more if I could just be alone to revel in the dorkyness of the season… just me and my tinsel, mistletoe, eggnog & bad lifetime movies.)

Normally, I love Weekend Update much much muchly but this week I was kinda grossed out when they made fun of the New York Governor, David Paterson, for being blind. OK, for being a blind cracky but still. It weirded me out.  We should be excited to have diversity in politics. Especially now, with Obama’s win. We need diversity in politics. It’s a must. We need people of color, people with disabilities, gay people, women, transgender folks. We need it all!  America is about that someone with “a gamey arm or the giant gums with the tiny teeth.” We need to “pull outta the freak bin.” It was just very old skool oppressive and in poor taste. (You know it’s bad when I’m squawking about poor taste!)

A blind man who loves cocaine… my life is like the plot of a Richard Pryor movie.

But then my hackles settled a bit when during the “Really?” segment of Weekend Update Poehler commented on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s idiocy for getting caught on tape and failing to use code words.

When I call up my weed guy and ask for $50 bucks worth of circus tickets, you know what he doesn’t bring me? Circus tickets!

That got me laughing. Cause I love the circus!!!!!  Weed’s not the worst either. I’d rather have circus tickets though. Fo Sho.

There was also a sad-funny joke about Michael Jackson’s bling bling glove going up for auction.

Man, if that glove could talk! It wold probably apologize to a lotta kids.

Finally, Amy Poehler said goodbye. Her stint on SNL is officially over. She’s gonna concentrate on an Office spin-off and on being mama to Archie Arnett.

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Amy Pops! Poehler’s Lil’ Punkin Head

Posted in Romance & Relationships, TV with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Instead of bringing it to the news desk for SNL’s Weekend Update, Amy Poehler was bringing life into the world. A funny lil’ punkin head just in time for Halloween.

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett had a boy. They named him Archie. They’re such dorks. I love it. Archie! Who names their baby Archie? A nice comic book name for a comic duo.

A Ladies Man, Missing Ladies & A Pumpkin-Head (SNL October 25)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Don Draper was there but Tina Fey wasn’t. (What up? She was supposed to be on for 7 episodes.) Amy Poehler wasn’t there either. She’s pushing out a lil’ punkin head. Maybe Tina Fey is Poehler’s lamaze coach. Is that why Coldplay got four songs? Because they had to scrap Fey-Poehler skits? Things that make you go hmmm.

Liberace’s ghost made an appearance on “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Liberace — in bone-white boa — pounded the piano keys while Vincent Price recited Poe’s “The Raven.”

Fans of Jon Hamm were surely thrilled by a send-up of Madmen titled “Two A-Holes Go to an Ad Agency.”  Watching Don Draper try to finesse SNL’s “Two A-Holes” was pretty funny, babe. Right babe? It was OK, babe. Yea, babe, it was alright.  Several members of the Mad Men cast were in the skit so that was a real treat. (The last episode of Mad Men was so good that I’m still a-quiver, just seeing the cast gave me tingles.)

Another treat for Mad Men viewers — “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women.”

  1. When in doubt remain absolutely silent.
  2. When asked about your past give vague open-ended answers.
  3. Have a great name.
  4. Look fantastic in a suit, look fantastic in casual wear, look fantastic in anything. Sound good, smell good, kiss good. Strut around with supreme confidence. Be uncannily successful at your job. Blow people away every time you say anything. Take 6 hour lunches. Disappear for weeks at a time. Lie to everyone about everything. Drink and smoke constantly. Basically, BE DON DRAPER.

Oh how I hate to admit that I have fallen for Don Draper. I wanted so badly to be immune to his charms. But the last episode sealed the deal. Yep. I Heart Don Draper. The mysterious deal with the devil bastard who feels either nothing or too much. Sigh. Sexy bitch. He’s in the SPOOKY KABUKI spank bank.

Jon Hamm pitched an unusual project in the scatological skit “Jon Hamm’s john ham.”  A ham you can eat in the bathroom! Imagine a roll of slippery ham slices opposite your roll of TP and a “delicious dispenser of Jon Hamm mustard soap.” But don’t forget the Jon Hamm’s john ham motto:

 “If it feels like a slice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.”

What about skits that did not include Jon Hamm? Hmm. Let’s see… Oh! Maybe it’s just me but Robo-Call is a cutie.

Obama and Ayers are gaysexmarried. Obama is face book friends with Osama Bin Laden. Robo-Call built to give movie time, now Robo-Call only used to scare old people. Robo-Call feel dirty all the time. Robo-Call so sad. Next week Robo-Call supposed to tell black people election canceled.

Speaking of our soon-to-be Mr. President, here are a few highlights from The Obama Variety Hour.

  1. Obama and ladylove Michelle share a duet — “Solid as Barrack,”
  2. Bill Clinton croons “Don’t you forget about me,”
  3. Bill Ayers plays the keyboard while Jeremiah Wright takes a Seal turn ala “White People is Crazy” 

 

I told y’all way-preggers Poehler was about to pop! The baby-daddy is Will Arnett aka JOB from the critically acclaimed (but canceled) Arrested Development. That is gonna be one crazy baby! Is there a gene for funny? If the baby inherits Arnett’s booming voice I predict a nice living doing voice overs for pick-up truck commercials. Poehler’s cast members sung a supportive tune:

We love you Amy! And we just can’t wait to meet your baby!

I bet that baby’s gonna be a funny little squinch-faced chubbling.

Welcome to the planet, little one.

Are you a trick or a treat?

Given your genes, my moneys on a magical mixture of both.

(***Still don’t know what you’re doing next week? Someone compiled a list of SNL inspired halloween costumes circa the 1990’s. Consider the possibilities!)

Carabou Barbie aka Sarah Palin on SNL (October 18)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Palin was bland and Fey was better-than-OK but the night belonged to Poehler.
 
 

This mediocre but much-anticipated SNL episode had the highest overnight ratings since Bill was smoking that infamous cigar in The White House. Back in the day-aye. They probably should’ve taken advantage of the hype.

  1. Why show a re-run last Saturday? It was the 33rd anniversary of SNL’s debut and the time was ripe, just weeks before the election, for rah-rah Happy Birthday fun.
  2. Why fill last nights episode with perhaps a half-dozen McGruver skits and only two Palin/politics skits?  Palin was there and so was Tina Fey and so was Josh Brolin who just played Dub Bush in Oliver Stones W. You’d think they would’ve maximized those resources — all the better to impress the onslaught of viewers.
 I sure wasn’t blown away. It wasn’t as funny as I’d anticipated. Although my fears about Palin charming the pants off America were quickly allayed. She did nothing. She didn’t have even a nanosecond of funny. Even accidental “oops! we’re live” funny. Nothing, nada. Not only that but her presence made Fey’s performance barely negligible. Fey definitely dialed it down. I hadn’t heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that got a laugh but the night was about to be a total wash. Then Amy Poehler saved the day with a hip hop Palin that was totally awesome. Though I’m stumped as to why Poehler performed it instead of Tina Fey, being as Fey has owned the Palin impersonation and that’s what people were wanting to see. Amy Poehler was so great but pregnant and blond. Maybe Tina’s like me — nobody needs to hear her doing anything that even resembles singing. Or maybe Poehler was just so damn good at it that she had to do it.

I hadn't heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that gotta laugh.

1-2-3! My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me, vice prezzie nominee of the GOP.

Gonna need yer vote in the next election, can I get a whut-whut from the senior section!
McCain got experience, McCain got style,
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile, cause that smile be creepy.
But when I’m VP, all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me.
She is joined by an Eskimo entourage. (Their lines in bold.)
Howz it go, Eskimos?
Eskimos!
Tell me, tell me what you know Eskimos.
Eskimos!
How you feel Eskimos?
Ice cold!
Tell me tell me what you feel Eskimos.
Super cold!
Not Jeremiah Wright but tonight I’m the preacher,
I got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher.
Todd Palin joins in, dressed in a racing snow suit.
Todd lookin fine on his snow machine,
so hot for each other need a go-between.
I’m a killah, we just chill-baby-chilla,
but when I see oil — drill baby drilla!
My cuntry tis of thee, from my porch I can see Russia and such.
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up! All the mavericks in the house put your hands up!
All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up! All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up!
When I say Obama, you say Ayres.
Obama. Ayres! Obama. Ayres!
I built me a bridge — it ain’t goin’ nowhere. Oooh!
McCain-Palin gonna put a nail in the coffin of the media elite.
She likes red meat!
Shoot a mother-humpin moose 8 days a week. pop pop pop. (Gunshots)
Now yer dead. Now yer dead. Cause I’m an ANIMAL and I’m bigger than you.
Holdin the shotgun, rockin the pump,
everybody party, we’re goin’ to hunt!
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop.
Yo! I’m Palin! I’m out!
Speaking of pop pop, is Amy Poehler ready to pop or what? It was pretty great. But don’t take my word for it, go see it yourself. Yo! I’m A-B-C Fiend! I’m out!
 

Tina Fey to Shadow Palin Tonight! Yay! TGI Saturday.

Posted in politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2008 by alphabetfiend

TGI Saturday!

Tonight’s another SNL with Tina Fey!

Palin & McCain share an intimate moment. Oops! That's Tina Fey & Steve Martin.

Palin & McCain share an intimate moment. Oops! That's Tina Fey & Steve Martin.

      Tonight Tina Fey returns to her old haunt to reprise her Palin imitation  which is so spot on it’s spooky. Not in a supernatural way — no midnight “Boo!” — but spooky like “holy hell how did this woman ever make the leap from PTA to VP?”  Now that’s  some crazy crossroads stuff — even by Palin’s own admission. According to Sarah Palin, she is presently the Governor of Alaska because a bold-speaking witchhunter made it so.  As reported by the Times Online, Thomas Muthee, Susser-out of-Demonic-spellcasters, laid hands on the then mayor and whisked her off to the Alaskan Governorship. Is the Oval Office next? (Yikes! Maybe we need some gris gris of our own.) As Palin tells it,  “I’m thinking, this guy’s really bold… he’s praying not “oh Lord if it be your will may she become governor,”… He said “Lord make a way and let her do this next step. And that’s exactly what happened.”  Meaning that it was not the Lord’s Will.  Jesus didn’t put Palin in Office, Thomas Muthee did. “Pastor” Thomas Muthee likes to wield his personal power. He ran a Kenyan woman out of town after accusing her of demonically causing fatal car accidents, thus launching an old fashioned dark-ages witch hunt. Yep, a witch hunt. OK. There’s your pitch black midnight “BOO!” 

       Just in time for Halloween!

      I’d like to see Tina Fey recreate the above Pastor Muthee lays hands on Sarah Palin scene.  It’s ripe for comic mining. The moaning & swooning, the “amens” & “you-betchas!” And you know there was some innapropriate groping during the “laying on of hands” so SNL could toss in a nice titty-twister. I heard they were speaking in tongues! Creeeeepy. It’ll be the kind of thing where you start to laugh but end up puking into your own mouth. That acidic vomitous surge is a gross foreboding. A bad moon rising.
      More likely, tonight’s episode of SNL will recreate the debates. My money’s on Say it ain’t so, Joe. $$$ I just “betcha!”  Fortunately, Fey’s masterful take on Palin illuminates the issue while still managing to be hilarious. I can’t wait to bask in the light she sheds tonight. This week will be the third week out of seven so the next month will be funny funny. In a sad sad way. 
      Goof Bless you, Fey. Your reward is in Havana. But they’re Castro-lovin’ Commies so good luck getting there. A black market Cuban Cigar will have to do for now.
Fey & Poehler make a great team.

Fey & Poehler make a great team.

Note: RobotBoy got all excited over the above photo of Fey & Martin but alas Martin is NOT slated to be on SNL tonight. “Too bad,” sez the RobotBoy, “He could play Biden.”  If only! That would be some wild & crazy PERFECT.
Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.
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