Archive for comedy & humor

The Mrs. Butterworth Book Club

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Art & Culture, Art Lover, Books & Writing, Cinema & Filmmaking, Goof & Glamour, I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart My Love-Tribe, In Celebration of the Absurd, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 3, 2010 by alphabetfiend

“I’m one of the few who voted for Obama because he was a friend of Bill Ayers.” -JW    

I too am one of those few.    

 

     

My freaky filmmaker friend, Tim, and I recently started a two-person book club. We dubbed it “The Mrs. Butterworth Book Club,” after a surreal conversation we had in highschool in which Tim asked me, out of nowhere, “What would you do if you woke up and Mrs. Butterworth was at your bedside? She’d have to be on yer pillow cause she’s rather short.”    

I’ve always had a soft spot for the absurd and so I have a soft spot for Tim.    

“I didn’t have to worry about fitting in with a crowd I didn’t want to hang out with in the first place.” -JW    

 

Both fans of John Waters, we chose his new book “Role Models” as our first MBBC selection. “Role Models” — the latest of several memoirs by the filmmaker, writer and professional outcast — focuses on people who have inspired or influenced Waters. The book begins with >surprise!surprise!< Johnny Mathis then moves on to reformed Manson Girl Leslie Van Houten; later comes Commes des Garcons designer/deconstructionist Rei Kawakubo who crashes into various hillbilly heroes from Baltimore such as Ester the barmaid and Lady Zorro the lesbian stripper.    

    

“Nothing is more impotent than un unread library”   

John Waters writes about reading the way a junky waxes poetic over crack.  

I’ve just finished the chapter “Book Worm.” Love love! Waters is a notorious and obsessive bibliophile, owning nearly 9000 volumes of wordy goodness.I can’t wait until he writes a whole book like that chapter, where he’ll delve into one weirdo tome after another. That would be a fantastic book! Waters has smart, obscure taste in literature and continually surprises me with his thoughtful insights.    

The chapter on Little Richard is next. I can’t wait.    

I saw Little Richard not too long ago. It was a free show, just a few blocks from my house, in the U of TX quad, so we meandered over.    

   

I’ve seen many old greats and I’ve learned not to expect too much. I saw Hasil Adkins at The Continental Club, paid a penny too, he played maybe two longs and left the stage. I’ve seen Ramblin’ Jack where he’s talked all night tellin’ one great story after another but there was one raspy time where he sang a song, coughed, sang another song, coughed and took a bow. I think it was James Chance that left the stage in a hissy fit like he waz Fred Alan Wolf at a physics conference. (Wolf’s hissy fit worked out well for me. I chased him out and we chatted all afternoon. He set up his laptop in the shadows of a patio umbrella and semi-patiently explained to me his theory of the thalmus gland as rudimentary time machine. I Heart Fred Allan Wolf!)    

Little Richard did not disappoint.      

Little Richard glittered like an LSD rockstar. The old man rocker took that place down to the ground. Holy hell! I fuckin’ cried. Yep. I wept as Little Richard sent spasming waves of energy through a crowd of cheap, clueless college students.  Seeing Little Richard that soft summer evening was a spiritual thing. I had my own Little Richard religious experience.      

"Saint Richard" by Vicki Berndt

So far the Mrs. Butterworth Book Club mostly consists of gushing to one another on facebook about just how fucking great Role Models is and how much we love John Waters as a way of life, posting killer quotes as our status updates and generally annoying the rest of our facebook friends.    

Screw those less-enlightened folks whose only knowledge of John Waters is “he has something to do with that fat drag queen who ate dog shit in some movie that no one’s ever seen.” If that.     

Makes me wanna scream, “Divine ate the dog shit! The film was Pink Flamingos! John Waters was the director! Fuckface!”    

I’d throw in that fuckface at the end, just for extra measure, like the cherry on top of the sundae or the pretty that flatters please.    

No, I kid. Really. So what if they’re morons who wanna wait (who CAN wait) until Role Models comes out in paperback. Whaddo I care? I don’t, cause I kid, but it is funny how things have changed and yet stayed the same. Tim and I hung with different crowds in highschool. We might never have spoken if our inner freaks hadn’t had such magnetic pull and now, all grown up, I have so much more to say to Tim than to the gorgeous girls I once hung with (who are now smiling mothers posting owen mills portraits all over their facebook pages, with not one free moment to read and if they read they certainly wouldn’t read Waters’ odes to Manson girls, trannie derelicts or Johnny Mathis.)     

   

The Mrs. Butterworth Book Club has only two members but that’s more out of necessity than design, being that no one else has expressed an iota of interest.    

That’s fine with us, right, Tim? All the more dog shit for us!    

Today I went to type out a few sentences on Tim’s fb page and try as I might it wouldn’t post. Old school friends were im-ing me and I was losing patience in fine Luddite fashion. The pups were barking to announce guests and the Robot was calling from the other room. Frazzled, I copied my note to Tim and stuck it into my open wordpress window under quick-post for safekeeping….which has me thinking….hmmm. I was gonna review the book for y’all anyway so why not post my thoughts here and then send the links to Tim? Maybe some of you are reading Role Models too and wanna pipe in? Maybe Tim and I can convince you to read Role Models? Even if you’re not reading the book, please join the discussion and tell us about some of your own role models, heroes & muses. What about an infuriatingly brilliant nemesis…anyone got one of those? (I sure do. Don’t I, Sugarbear?) 

Waters sez "Read this"

If you’d like to join our very informal Mrs. Butterworth Book Club, we’d be glad to take on new members with a taste for the odd in literature and in life. We’re keepin’ it simple. See!  Here’s my fb note to Tim:    

Hey Tim! Checkin’ in to the Mrs. Buttersworth Book Club… am just about to start the Little Richard chapter on p.183, had a houseguest for a couple weeks and fell behind.    

All that stuff about the Manson’s O-MY! I never knew they’d sneak into houses and move the furniture. So trickster, I love it, but stabbing someone 16 times? Nah, not for me.    

All the Baltimore stuff in the bar chapter was a riot. I have some these “artsy hillbilly” friends from Baltimore and they tell the craziest stories ever. Plus I loved The Wire and Homicide, both set in Baltimore. Homicide was brilliantly cast by Pat Moran, whom Waters mentions repeatedly as “My friend, Pat Moran”.    

That stuff about lunatic mothers and the craziness those kids grew up with? I found all that to be just waaaay too familiar. Great reading tho. Great writing!    

 Finally, while I consider myself to be a big reader, life-long, I must confess to not having read even one of his five recommendations. Have you? Guess we know what we’ll read next in the MBBC, huh? Which one do you suggest? The pervy kid or the deluded ladies? Or pages and pages of dialogue? I’m up for any and all!    

I’m not a huge fanatic as far as his films go but as a man, as a mind, John Waters is thrilling.    

He’s also a hell of a writer and a real storyteller.    

This book has been a treat. I’m loving it. I’m devouring it.     

“Tennessee Williams wasn’t a gay cliché, so I had the confidence to try to not be one myself. Gay was not enough. It was a good start however.”    

 ** The Saint Richard painting is by Water’s soul-sista Vicki Berndt whom we’ve featured before on Cream Scene Carnival. Role Models is available at amazon and so is the Waters pick: In Youth is Pleasure by Denton Welch, with a forward by William Burroughs.    

My Sexual Custody

Posted in I Heart Funny Fellas, In Celebration of the Absurd with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Mike O’Connell has me in his sexual custody!

Looks like maybe he’s got you all a-tingle too. I see you enjoyed the hell outta this surrealist comic the last time I featured him — Gotta Lotta Bitches to Plow — so I know you’re gonna wanna see him perform his moving song “Baboon Heart.” 

That poor baboon loved you very much and he hopes you change your mind soon. He misses your legs and he misses your lips, he misses your touch and he misses your tits. Especially your tits. DID I MENTION YOUR TITS? I think I did.

Damn! Mike O’Connell is a SEXY BEAST!

Pass it on.

Gotta Lotta Bitches To Plow

Posted in Buxom Goo Goo, I Heart Funny Fellas, I heart hip hop, I like big butts & I can not lie, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2010 by alphabetfiend

So have you been paying any attention to this surreal mo-fo, Mike O’Connell? The man is insanely hilarious, emphasis on the insane. For those of you who adore the absurd, Mike O’Connell is for you.

As Million Dollar Strong, Mike O’Connell teams up with Ken Jeong for the hysterical hip-hop send up “What’s it gonna be?” Normally, I’d quote some of it for ya but I think I’ll stay mum this time and let you get it as it comes.  OK! Just one! I can’t resist.

I think your ass looks delicious…
uhhh huhhh!!
I got ta get my dick in your britches…

Ah, such sweet poetry. OK, now, if you have anything in your mouth make sure you swallow cause it WILL come shooting out yer nose when you start cracking the hell up.

House Rocks the House on SNL

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Hugh Laurie hosted the holiday episode of SNL.

Kanye West was the musical guest.

It was an interesting pairing.

Hugh Laurie plays an arrogant a-hole on TV and Kanye West is the real life thing. 

aaa

Hugh Laurie could not withstand the foul-mouthed flirtations of Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph and broke into a blushful twitter… which was really quite charming. I’m with Rudolph:

No no you sit down, you gotta talk British some more.

The following quote, from an an obligatory Christmas dinner skit, may make it onto my Xmas cards:

Merry F-ing Christmas. You know what? F* you. F* Christmas.

(I actually love Christmas. Madly.  But being forced to celebrate with a bunch of scrooges is no fun. Every year I think I probably would enjoy the holiday more if I could just be alone to revel in the dorkyness of the season… just me and my tinsel, mistletoe, eggnog & bad lifetime movies.)

Normally, I love Weekend Update much much muchly but this week I was kinda grossed out when they made fun of the New York Governor, David Paterson, for being blind. OK, for being a blind cracky but still. It weirded me out.  We should be excited to have diversity in politics. Especially now, with Obama’s win. We need diversity in politics. It’s a must. We need people of color, people with disabilities, gay people, women, transgender folks. We need it all!  America is about that someone with “a gamey arm or the giant gums with the tiny teeth.” We need to “pull outta the freak bin.” It was just very old skool oppressive and in poor taste. (You know it’s bad when I’m squawking about poor taste!)

A blind man who loves cocaine… my life is like the plot of a Richard Pryor movie.

But then my hackles settled a bit when during the “Really?” segment of Weekend Update Poehler commented on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s idiocy for getting caught on tape and failing to use code words.

When I call up my weed guy and ask for $50 bucks worth of circus tickets, you know what he doesn’t bring me? Circus tickets!

That got me laughing. Cause I love the circus!!!!!  Weed’s not the worst either. I’d rather have circus tickets though. Fo Sho.

There was also a sad-funny joke about Michael Jackson’s bling bling glove going up for auction.

Man, if that glove could talk! It wold probably apologize to a lotta kids.

Finally, Amy Poehler said goodbye. Her stint on SNL is officially over. She’s gonna concentrate on an Office spin-off and on being mama to Archie Arnett.

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A Ladies Man, Missing Ladies & A Pumpkin-Head (SNL October 25)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Don Draper was there but Tina Fey wasn’t. (What up? She was supposed to be on for 7 episodes.) Amy Poehler wasn’t there either. She’s pushing out a lil’ punkin head. Maybe Tina Fey is Poehler’s lamaze coach. Is that why Coldplay got four songs? Because they had to scrap Fey-Poehler skits? Things that make you go hmmm.

Liberace’s ghost made an appearance on “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Liberace — in bone-white boa — pounded the piano keys while Vincent Price recited Poe’s “The Raven.”

Fans of Jon Hamm were surely thrilled by a send-up of Madmen titled “Two A-Holes Go to an Ad Agency.”  Watching Don Draper try to finesse SNL’s “Two A-Holes” was pretty funny, babe. Right babe? It was OK, babe. Yea, babe, it was alright.  Several members of the Mad Men cast were in the skit so that was a real treat. (The last episode of Mad Men was so good that I’m still a-quiver, just seeing the cast gave me tingles.)

Another treat for Mad Men viewers — “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women.”

  1. When in doubt remain absolutely silent.
  2. When asked about your past give vague open-ended answers.
  3. Have a great name.
  4. Look fantastic in a suit, look fantastic in casual wear, look fantastic in anything. Sound good, smell good, kiss good. Strut around with supreme confidence. Be uncannily successful at your job. Blow people away every time you say anything. Take 6 hour lunches. Disappear for weeks at a time. Lie to everyone about everything. Drink and smoke constantly. Basically, BE DON DRAPER.

Oh how I hate to admit that I have fallen for Don Draper. I wanted so badly to be immune to his charms. But the last episode sealed the deal. Yep. I Heart Don Draper. The mysterious deal with the devil bastard who feels either nothing or too much. Sigh. Sexy bitch. He’s in the SPOOKY KABUKI spank bank.

Jon Hamm pitched an unusual project in the scatological skit “Jon Hamm’s john ham.”  A ham you can eat in the bathroom! Imagine a roll of slippery ham slices opposite your roll of TP and a “delicious dispenser of Jon Hamm mustard soap.” But don’t forget the Jon Hamm’s john ham motto:

 “If it feels like a slice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.”

What about skits that did not include Jon Hamm? Hmm. Let’s see… Oh! Maybe it’s just me but Robo-Call is a cutie.

Obama and Ayers are gaysexmarried. Obama is face book friends with Osama Bin Laden. Robo-Call built to give movie time, now Robo-Call only used to scare old people. Robo-Call feel dirty all the time. Robo-Call so sad. Next week Robo-Call supposed to tell black people election canceled.

Speaking of our soon-to-be Mr. President, here are a few highlights from The Obama Variety Hour.

  1. Obama and ladylove Michelle share a duet — “Solid as Barrack,”
  2. Bill Clinton croons “Don’t you forget about me,”
  3. Bill Ayers plays the keyboard while Jeremiah Wright takes a Seal turn ala “White People is Crazy” 

 

I told y’all way-preggers Poehler was about to pop! The baby-daddy is Will Arnett aka JOB from the critically acclaimed (but canceled) Arrested Development. That is gonna be one crazy baby! Is there a gene for funny? If the baby inherits Arnett’s booming voice I predict a nice living doing voice overs for pick-up truck commercials. Poehler’s cast members sung a supportive tune:

We love you Amy! And we just can’t wait to meet your baby!

I bet that baby’s gonna be a funny little squinch-faced chubbling.

Welcome to the planet, little one.

Are you a trick or a treat?

Given your genes, my moneys on a magical mixture of both.

(***Still don’t know what you’re doing next week? Someone compiled a list of SNL inspired halloween costumes circa the 1990’s. Consider the possibilities!)

Carabou Barbie aka Sarah Palin on SNL (October 18)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Palin was bland and Fey was better-than-OK but the night belonged to Poehler.
 
 

This mediocre but much-anticipated SNL episode had the highest overnight ratings since Bill was smoking that infamous cigar in The White House. Back in the day-aye. They probably should’ve taken advantage of the hype.

  1. Why show a re-run last Saturday? It was the 33rd anniversary of SNL’s debut and the time was ripe, just weeks before the election, for rah-rah Happy Birthday fun.
  2. Why fill last nights episode with perhaps a half-dozen McGruver skits and only two Palin/politics skits?  Palin was there and so was Tina Fey and so was Josh Brolin who just played Dub Bush in Oliver Stones W. You’d think they would’ve maximized those resources — all the better to impress the onslaught of viewers.
 I sure wasn’t blown away. It wasn’t as funny as I’d anticipated. Although my fears about Palin charming the pants off America were quickly allayed. She did nothing. She didn’t have even a nanosecond of funny. Even accidental “oops! we’re live” funny. Nothing, nada. Not only that but her presence made Fey’s performance barely negligible. Fey definitely dialed it down. I hadn’t heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that got a laugh but the night was about to be a total wash. Then Amy Poehler saved the day with a hip hop Palin that was totally awesome. Though I’m stumped as to why Poehler performed it instead of Tina Fey, being as Fey has owned the Palin impersonation and that’s what people were wanting to see. Amy Poehler was so great but pregnant and blond. Maybe Tina’s like me — nobody needs to hear her doing anything that even resembles singing. Or maybe Poehler was just so damn good at it that she had to do it.

I hadn't heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that gotta laugh.

1-2-3! My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me, vice prezzie nominee of the GOP.

Gonna need yer vote in the next election, can I get a whut-whut from the senior section!
McCain got experience, McCain got style,
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile, cause that smile be creepy.
But when I’m VP, all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me.
She is joined by an Eskimo entourage. (Their lines in bold.)
Howz it go, Eskimos?
Eskimos!
Tell me, tell me what you know Eskimos.
Eskimos!
How you feel Eskimos?
Ice cold!
Tell me tell me what you feel Eskimos.
Super cold!
Not Jeremiah Wright but tonight I’m the preacher,
I got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher.
Todd Palin joins in, dressed in a racing snow suit.
Todd lookin fine on his snow machine,
so hot for each other need a go-between.
I’m a killah, we just chill-baby-chilla,
but when I see oil — drill baby drilla!
My cuntry tis of thee, from my porch I can see Russia and such.
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up! All the mavericks in the house put your hands up!
All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up! All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up!
When I say Obama, you say Ayres.
Obama. Ayres! Obama. Ayres!
I built me a bridge — it ain’t goin’ nowhere. Oooh!
McCain-Palin gonna put a nail in the coffin of the media elite.
She likes red meat!
Shoot a mother-humpin moose 8 days a week. pop pop pop. (Gunshots)
Now yer dead. Now yer dead. Cause I’m an ANIMAL and I’m bigger than you.
Holdin the shotgun, rockin the pump,
everybody party, we’re goin’ to hunt!
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop.
Yo! I’m Palin! I’m out!
Speaking of pop pop, is Amy Poehler ready to pop or what? It was pretty great. But don’t take my word for it, go see it yourself. Yo! I’m A-B-C Fiend! I’m out!
 

Debates: Penguin-McCain VS Batman-Obama. Too Funny! (video)

Posted in politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Have you seen this yet? Oh, it’s wonderful. I’d love to meet the geek boy who dug up this gem. You know he was chuckling to himself. I’m sure it was one of those light bulb moments that explode into pure delight. Ah, the superstrings of the cosmos. Or the predictability of the villain politician. Joseph Campbell would have some wisdom to add no doubt. Archetypes abound. No matter how you look at it, it’s awesome.

Batman! Who is he? Who is this acrobatic clown who somersaults around Gotham City in a rediculous costume? Will you think about that a moment, my friends? Whenever you see Batman, who’s he with? Criminals! That’s who! You look in the old newspapers — every picture shows him with crooks, thieves, hobnobbing with crooks. Where as my pictures show me always surrounded by whom? By the police! I am an associate of the law. 

WHO IS THAT BLACK MAN?!

Sarah Silverman sez “Get Granny to Vote Obama!”

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, Hooray for Choice!, I Heart Funny Femmes, I Heart My Love-Tribe, politics, Republicans scare me with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Sarah Silverman’s The Great Shlep is pure Jews-for-Obama genius.

Vote for Obama, gonna visit Grandmama.

Vote for McCain, to me yer a shit stain.

-S.S. (Super Sarah!)

Sarah Silverman saves the world! One Jew at a time.

Sarah Silver is my hero!

Sarah Silver is my hero!

Silverman was on “Countdown with Kieth Olberman” last night talking about her new political project, ie, plan to save the planet from total destruction and fight the evil-est villians yet.

Silverman brilliantly launched the internet sensation The Great Schlep which she discussed with Olberman last night, in addition to the usual crass naughtiness.

In The Great Schlep Silverman hilariously urges young Jews to visit their Grandparents in Florida (or wherever their elders may gather) to conduct intimate campaigns — poolside, over matzo balls, during television commercials. Wherever you can fit Obama in. Silverman suggests you sock ’em right in the heart! Don’t hesitate to use their love for you as a chance to sweet talk them into voting for Obama. Don’t pass up the opportunity to capitalize on their gratitude and joy at seeing your loving face. Sieze the chance to clear up some of the misconceptions they might have about the canidate with the odd sounding name. Hug them tightly, coo into their furry ears if you must. Alleviate their fears.

Spend quality time with your old people while increasing the quantity of democrat votes. Now that’s a win-win if there ever was!

 In fact, Jew or not, we should all be visiting to our Nanas or Poppys.

Haven’t you been meaning to see more of Mamaw anyway?

Back Together! Sarah Silverman & Jimmy Kimmel Hug/Hump It Out

Posted in Feminism (Shades of Gray), Friendship, I Heart Funny Femmes, I Heart My Love-Tribe, Romance & Relationships, Sex & XXX, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2008 by alphabetfiend

“Super freak, super freak. That girl’s a super freak. Ohhhhh. She’s a very kinky girl. The kind you don’t take home to mother. She will never let your spirits down. Once you get her off the street, ow girl.”  — Rick James, bitch!

Looks like Sarah Silverman & Jimmy Kimmel are back on. Thank Goof! I don’t normally give a shite about the trials and tribulations of celebrity couples but I loved this pair. They were my Brad & Angelina. Except, y’know, totally gross.

head over heels in love?

head over heels in love?

Ah, when two freaks find each other… makes my heart go pitter pat. When wierdos wed, I break out my silk hankie and weep at the cosmic wonder of the world. So I was (dare I say it?) devastated when I heard that Jimmy Kimmel & Sarah Silverman had separated. I kicked them out of the freak museum and cast them as fools. The break was reportedly mutual but a sad Silverman on TMZ begged differently. Was Kimmel was the only fool in this snafu? Fool! Fool! Fucker! Fatso! I hate you Jimmy Kimmel! Then I read in US that while dining with a friend, Sarah

“grew somber and became enthralled in a heart-to-heart conversation with her pal. She was talking and it looked like he was listening and then advising her. Mutual friend Jonah Hill – who has appeared in comedy skits on Kimmel’s ABC show – was dining in the restaurant and also stopped by to say hello. Jonah’s appearance definitely had an effect on her. They spoke for just a minute. And after he left, Sarah looked momentarily pensive.”

I wanted to spit a loogy in Kimmel’s squinty eyes. My hate surged when Silverman won an Emmy for the “I’m Fucking Matt Damon”video which, ironically, was a 5 year anniversary gift for Kimmel. While accepting the  award, Silverman said

“Thanks to the person for whom this whole video was made: Jimmy Kimmel, who broke my heart – ohh, who’ll always have a place in my heart.” 

Big fat juicy tears welled up in my eyes. Maybe I wasn’t the only one? The Enquirer claimed that Jimmy was making beg-some blotto phonecalls and now, a month later, the pair’s been spotted pawing each other. No one’s officially copped to it (although Kimmel copped a feel in front of photogs.) Barbara Walters tried to worm it out of Silverman on “The View” but Silverman sweetly deflected,

“In total respect to you and your legendness, I do not feel beholden or compelled to define my personal relationship to you. It’s not like a big drama thing. We’re just not, like, defining it. We’re just being right now. Is that Okaaay?”

Yes! It’s OK. It’s more than OK. It’s a beauteous thing. But if there’s gonna be any more heart break, it better be Kimmel’s. Next time Silverman better fuck Matt Damon for reals! Except she doesn’t want Matt Damon, she wants Jimmy. Silverman (who describes herself as “a 13 year old boy”) once said of their romance,

“We really, really, really like each other.”

Silverman hasn’t always felt that way. On the occasion of their 2001 meeting at a Comedy Central roast of Playboy’s patriarch Hugh Hefner, Silverman said of Roastmaster Kimmel,

“Jimmy Kimmel, everyone. He’s fat and has no charisma. Watch your back, Danny Aiello .”

And Kimmel hasn’t always been such an ingrate, saying of his bawdy belle,

“Sarah is funny and smart and good to look at. Plus, she likes fat guys. What more could I ask?”

I was gonna hate Jimmy Kimmel forever if he didn’t wise up and win back his lunatic ladylove. Hopefully he realized that he’ll never find a cutie more suitable a soul mate than Sarah Silverman. I wasn’t a Kimmel-fan before he dated Silverman (who I adore like a best friend who asks you at 3am if you could please go digging around in her cooch cause she’s sure she lost a tampon up there somewhere.) Although, like Sarah, I love a man with with a big belly laugh and the belly to go with. It was Kimmel’s ability to attract Silverman and the things she said of him that made me a fan. So shoot me already for even giving a damn. I usually shrug at celebrity fray so how did I get into such a huff over Hollywood fluff?  They’re too freaky-deeky to be fluff. After five funny years, I was hooked on the dynamic duo. Maybe I’m star-farked and dumb but I’m not the only one.  

The Evil Beet blogged, “After breaking all our hearts by splitting up, it looks like Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are back in each other’s hearts and pants. As much as I hate Jimmy Kimmel, this is kind of heart warming. You just hate to see true love broken apart.”

To which someone commented,”Disclaimer: I kind of hate them both. That said, YIPPEE! I am so relieved! I don’t know why their breakup totally bugged me, but it did.”

The Superficial rejoiced, “Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have reunited after getting chased out of their respective villages with torches.”

See! It’s not just me! I’m not the only auntie who wants those two love birds to build a nice nest. (Silverman has stated publicly that she won’t marry until gay marriage is legalized. Yay!) More aptly, I’m one half – the pretty half – of my own perverted partnership and I can’t help but crave a double date with those two. We could get kicked out of yacht clubs together! Pose for inebriated photos! Sarah and I could share lipstick in the ladies room and then maybe a few french kisses which we’d later blame on our drunkenness. We could go bowling or get stoned. Pig out and then lay around on Turkish floor pillows, listen to a few records and fart.

Funny thing: the pair we usually pal around with — Peaches Peltz and the Prof –have often been subjected to my sage advice:

“You two freaks need to stick together! ‘Til Freakdom Cum! Ain’t nobody gonna get either of youse. No one else’d get the joke.”

 

These two freaks need to stick together!

Hold on tight, freaks!

So it brings me pervy peace to hear that Silverman & Kimmel are back in one another’s hairy arms. Wallowing in one another’s hilarious hearts. They’re a kooky, brave, insanely irreverent pair. And adorable. And sexy! So sexy. I once watched as some A-list blonde used her guest spot on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show” to recount a Sundance Film Fest story about staying in an adjoining hotel room to the raunchy couple. Who, in true form, spent the trip engaged in all manner of loud naughtiness. Nice. 

An interviewer once asked Silverman if she had a pet name for Kimmel’s Penis. Sarah cooed, “I just call it HOME.”

Awwwww.

Welcome home, Sarah. Surely you’ve been sorely missed.

“That girl is pretty wild now. The girl’s a super freak. The kind of girl you read about in new-wave magazine. That girl is pretty kinky, she’s a super freak, super freak, she’s super-freaky, yow. Super freak, super freak. She’s a very special girl. The kind of girl you want to know. From her head down to her toenails” 

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Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — A-TX writer girl who loves a super freak. Take’s one to love one. Right, Daddy? You’ve been gone too long. I miss you like hell. It’s thanks to you that I recognize the beauty in a beasty freak. You were so right. If you meet a member of your tribe, hold on. Don’t lose sight. Us freaks need to stick together. Maybe you can send that wisdom via some ghosty means to these two kids or else I fear they’ll be lonely forever. Oh, lonely. I’m so lonely for you. October 9. The worst day ever. But today’s OK, I guess. I wrote this for you. Did ya see the part about getting tossed out of the yacht club? Wink wink. I love you, you handsome devil!

Dr. Seuss Bible: Sunday AM Punk Rock Gospel Blog

Posted in Music & Life & Sundays, Spirituality & Religion, TV with tags , , , , , , , on October 5, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Thanks for popping in to this Sunday’s Punk Rock Gospel Blog. I meant to talk about love and gay marriage but was hoping to post the most beautiful wedding photo in the world and didn’t get permission in time. No one could see this photo and begrudge the gorgeous couple of their rights, their day, their love.  If they’re willing to share, it’lll be worth the wait.

Enjoy the Dr. Seuss Bible. We could all use a few giggles and some forgiving energy this week after the crazy stuff that’s been going on. The ignorance! The oppression! The crap.

I’d dig the Bible more if it was written (and illustrated) by Dr. Seuss.

Amen! What could be more goof-blessed than Seuss via Kids in the Hall? Goof abounds!

Have a great Sunday y’all. Take a breath, have a laugh.

Love.

Be the love.

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