Archive for comedy

DWTS Exploited My Weakness for Cho

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, Goof & Glamour, Got My TV Eye On You, I Heart Funny Femmes, I Heart Robots, I like big butts & I can not lie, Strange Science, Style & Fashion, Technicolor Pop, Top 2% of Coolest Mofos, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2010 by alphabetfiend

When I first heard that Margaret Cho was on the new cast for DWTS, I was in the Austin audience at Margaret Cho’s performance at The Paramount. She was kvetching about being sore from all the dance practice.

My initial response was “Crap, now I have to watch that shit n’ shinola. Dancing with the stars? Ugg.”

Yet another reminder to never say never.

“Why must you?” you ask. Well, because I love Cho more than I hate DWTS. DUH! Don’t you?

C’mon! We gotta take Cho when and where we can get her. Whether it’s on Lifetime’s schlocky yet charming series Drop Dead Diva, doing the tango on DWTS, or live at The Paramount.

Plus we’ll get to see her mom, which features prominently and hilariously in Cho’s stand-up.

Now that I’ve resigned myself to my pitiful fate, I hafta say I’m really looking forward to seeing Cho in sparkles, sequins and spandex. While performing her stand-up, she was already sporting a street-wear version of DWTS style. She wore a loose silky tunic — one-shoulder, sequined — that showed off her gorgeous shoulder tats. She paired the sparkly tunic with American Apparel’s metallic spandex leggings in spaceship silver; grounding the get-up with a great pair of ass-kicker boots. Mmm. Rugged and mmm soft buttery leather and mmm.

Sorry. My clothes-lust kinda took over for a second there. Lemme wipe the drool from my chin and we’ll move on.

I’m gonna enjoy seeing her twice a week for as long as this lasts. Once she’s booted, I’ll be free but I’ll be bummed.

I just hope she does the Robot. Cause that would totally rock.

No go show Cho some love! Give her some sugars! Form a rallying crowd for her to surf through. Join Team Van-Cho. GO!

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The Party’s Over — Starz (stupidly) Cancels “Party Down”

Posted in I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart Funny Femmes, Star F*#ker, Technicolor Pop, TV, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2010 by alphabetfiend

My highschool sweetheart worked for a catering company during the four years we were together, which means he used to come home stinking like prime beef and twice-baked potatoes, looking EXACTLY like the cast of “Party Down.” Same white shirt, same black pants, same pink bow-tie. I’d lie in bed watching for his headlights on my ceiling, exhaling as he pulled into the driveway. We had only a few stolen moments before he’d be expected home, just long enough for a quick whiff of that bow-tied nape and crusty shirt. Mmmm. That catering job afforded him many opportunities for romance. 

While cleaning up, he’d sometimes pocket discarded wedding favors or sachets of hershey kisses. I’d ooh and ahh as though I’d always yearned for my very own ceramic swan-couple, dual necks curving into a heart.  One night he called to say he hadn’t had time to stop by and could I please bring his shoes in from the porch because it was raining and surely they’d smell like ass if left in the rain? Disappointed, grumbly and thinking “Those shoes already smell like ass,” I wound down the dark stairs. There, on the covered porch, with the rain pelting the eaves, was at least a dozen different flower arrangements in creamy shades of peach & pink. In the spirit of young love, the bride had gifted them to my beau. He’d coasted into my drive with his lights off, knowing my tendency to watch the ceiling, and had carried them on tip-toe to the porch. How, I don’t know! It took me nearly an hour to drag them all inside. In the morning my younger siblings were amazed at the almost funereal floral display, certain I must be a princess with my very own prince.

I sooo wanted to write an episode of “Party Down,” recreating that moment of recycled romance, but that will never happen now thanks to stupid stupid Starz execs. 

Starz has cancelled the clever show about pink-collar workers.

It’s kind of infuriating actually, not just because I’ll never get to try my hand at that script, but because it was a good show with a great cast and endless possibilities. Cast members could come and go and yet it made perfect sense because the service industry is like that. Each episode featured a different catered event there were amazing opportunities for cameos or guest-star turns.

The cast was a hilarious ensemble of comedic talent:

* Megan Mullally (pill-popping Karen from Will & Grace)

*Jane Lynch (Sue the lunatic cheerleading coach on Glee; Joyce the love-lorn lesbo lawyer on L-Word.)

*You probably recognized Ken Marino from funny projects like Reno 911, Stella and The State (as well as will-act-for-food gigs on Angel, Charmed or Dawson’s Creek.)

*I really liked Casey’s Lizzy Caplan in a short-lived sitcom called The Class but you’re more likely to remember the actress  from Alan Ball’s HBO vampire hit True Blood — Caplan played Amy, the crazy cracky nut-job who dated Jason (Sookie’s bro) and couldn’t get enough vamp-blood.

*The always goofy Jennifer Coolidge who went through various transformations — and monikers — on Nip/Tuck.

*Kristen Bell (Heroes, Veronica Mars)

*The funny-as-shit Ken Jeong (Community, the movie Hang-over and Million Dollar Strong, Jeong’s hip hop project with Mike O’Connell.)

*Perhaps most exciting of all, Martin Starr is all grown up since his days as the terminally nerdy Bill in Freaks & Geeks (another BRILLIANT but canceled show which has gained cult status since its unceremonial cancellation after just one AWESOME season.)

In addition to all the talent on-screen, actor Paul Rudd was a contributing creator of “Party Down.” It’s hard to believe that Starz would cancel a show with so much critical acclaim and buzz. It’s not like the cable network has much else to offer in the way of original programming. Sure, not a lot of people were watching the show but that’s because no one had heard about it. People were finding out! Viewership would’ve increased over time. These networks expect us to have patience as they present new programming but they have no patience themselves. It’s no wonder that more and more people are waiting to watch stuff on DVD or Hulu rather than subject themselves to some new un-proven show on primetime or risk falling for a mystery-riddled drama that will only be canceled before the mystery’s been solved (Flash Forward, Happy Town.)

Grr. They did two seasons of Party Down so if you haven’t seen all or any, you still have some partying to do. May I offer you a couple of tasty hordeurves?

“When I’m in nature I usually drop a cap,” featuring Jennifer Coolidge

“It’s not fate, it’s a mistake” with Martin Starr (It’s Bill from Freaks & Geeks, only BIG!)

My Sexual Custody

Posted in I Heart Funny Fellas, In Celebration of the Absurd with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Mike O’Connell has me in his sexual custody!

Looks like maybe he’s got you all a-tingle too. I see you enjoyed the hell outta this surrealist comic the last time I featured him — Gotta Lotta Bitches to Plow — so I know you’re gonna wanna see him perform his moving song “Baboon Heart.” 

That poor baboon loved you very much and he hopes you change your mind soon. He misses your legs and he misses your lips, he misses your touch and he misses your tits. Especially your tits. DID I MENTION YOUR TITS? I think I did.

Damn! Mike O’Connell is a SEXY BEAST!

Pass it on.

Gotta Lotta Bitches To Plow

Posted in Buxom Goo Goo, I Heart Funny Fellas, I heart hip hop, I like big butts & I can not lie, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2010 by alphabetfiend

So have you been paying any attention to this surreal mo-fo, Mike O’Connell? The man is insanely hilarious, emphasis on the insane. For those of you who adore the absurd, Mike O’Connell is for you.

As Million Dollar Strong, Mike O’Connell teams up with Ken Jeong for the hysterical hip-hop send up “What’s it gonna be?” Normally, I’d quote some of it for ya but I think I’ll stay mum this time and let you get it as it comes.  OK! Just one! I can’t resist.

I think your ass looks delicious…
uhhh huhhh!!
I got ta get my dick in your britches…

Ah, such sweet poetry. OK, now, if you have anything in your mouth make sure you swallow cause it WILL come shooting out yer nose when you start cracking the hell up.

Silverman Gives the Word “Diva” a XXX Smackdown (adult content)

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, Fur Reals, I Heart Funny Femmes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2010 by alphabetfiend

 

Fine. Wave off yer ignorance with a flick of your plastic talons.

Cause you gotta have yer way cause yer a diva. 

Well, bitch, then you had better be able to belt out an aria.

 

Luckily, I’m no longer alone in my aggravation cause once again Sarah Silverman says what we’re all thinking. This time, in song. 

If you call yourself a diva, you better be a singer, and not somebody cutting me in line. 

If you call yourself a diva, you better sing a solo, and not be someone treating me unkind.

I kinda wanna purchase that patch — “Crossword Diva League” — cause it’s cool enough with the curvy lady and the old skool look. I kinda wanna stitch it on my engineers cap cause I love crossword puzzles and I want the world to know it. However, I don’t want the world to think I’m a stupid bitch. And so you see my dilemma. No self-respecting crossword freakette could call herself a diva, not when she’s faced twice daily with the word’s true meaning. When the clue involves the word “diva” then the answer always has to do with opera and never with self-entitled bitchery.
Look up “diva” in the dictionary. The word applies to female operatic stars or (more recently) it extends to distinguished female singers who are long time legendary power houses like Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. Sure there’s the prima donna addendum but who wants that? Who wants to be a mere pain-in-the-ass post-script?
Down with those bitches who call themselves Divas — excusing a lack of manners with a word that is supposed to denote a presence of talent.

Wearing leopard print does not make you a diva.

Neither does your rhinestone-crusted blackberry.

And that glitter graphic on your myspace page? Gulp. Please no! Not another one!

What does make you a diva?

Well, do you have an absolutely legendary ability to sing your fucking ass off? Have you taken a bow as the curtain closed at the Met? Does the crowd roar and send thorny roses hurling to the stage like arrows shot from Eros’ bow?

No? Then you’re no diva. 

 

Now this fabulous bitch, she’s a damn diva. (Yes, that’s right. Divas can be bitches but bitches aren’t divas.)

People are always shining me on with the word “Diva” (as a compliment or as an explanation for my tiara) but I don’t take a shine to it. I sing in the car, with the top down and the volume up, and I sing loud. But I’m not the fat lady y’all are waiting on.

Sing it, Sarah!

If you call yourself a diva, it better be for reals, and not just some sad pathetic kind of front.

You’re selfish and your thoughtless and you’re broken and you’re heartless.

You’re probably not a diva, you’re a cunt.

Amy Pops! Poehler’s Lil’ Punkin Head

Posted in Romance & Relationships, TV with tags , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Instead of bringing it to the news desk for SNL’s Weekend Update, Amy Poehler was bringing life into the world. A funny lil’ punkin head just in time for Halloween.

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett had a boy. They named him Archie. They’re such dorks. I love it. Archie! Who names their baby Archie? A nice comic book name for a comic duo.

Mystery Man Jon Hamm on SNL tonight! (Oct 25. Tina Fey too!)

Posted in SPOOKY KABUKI, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Jon Hamm hosts SNL tonight and I’m frothing. 

Maybe you are scratching your head and wondering “Whose this mysterious Jon Hamm that the fiend is fiending over?” If so, you still have time to zip over to the vid-ya store and rent the first few episodes of AMC’s amazing serial “Mad Men” which is about Madison Avenue ad men in the late 50’s early 60’s. Thusly, it’s a historical drama about American consumption. Which I adore. We are living in a material world and I am a material girl.  But above all, Mad Men is the story of of the inscrutable Don Draper — man from nowhere, man from everywhere — who is an archetype wrapped in an aura of secrecy. Everyone who meets him is at once in awe and off-put. He is transcendent and untethered. He is dead-man charming. A watchful Zombie. Don Draper is the ultimate SPOOKY KABUKI pin-up hunk. Handsome in a way that unsettles, Don Draper will get under your skin. Who is that masked man?

Hopefully, they will make use of Hamm’s Don-Draper spookiness on tonight’s SNL. I’d like to see a great Halloween skit. We need a new landshark. Although Tina Fey will be on to reprise her Palin imitation and that is sure to be plenty bone-chilling.

Coldplay is the musical guest. I hear two little toe-heads have been running around the SNL set like sugar-fueled trick’er’treaters. Picture Apple and Moses with sagging sacks and only ten minutes left for hi-jinks and Hershey bars.

I’ll let you know what I think and hey, you do the same.

See ya in the early AM.

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