Archive for humor

I’ll Be Spending Xmas with Gerard Butler

Posted in Art & Culture, I Heart Holidays, Movies & Movie Stars, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , on December 16, 2008 by alphabetfiend

All my future holidays will be spent with Gerard Butler. He’ll carve the turkey, he’ll spike the nog. He’ll piss in the snow and put my brothers in headlocks. He’ll be baby-daddy to my little kiddies, I mean my little nieces and nephews. (Sorry Cha, that photo I chose of Butler’s blue-jean clad crotch had me, um, momentarily mmm distracted. That’ll never happen once you two are married. Once he’s yer hubby I’ll forget he was ever a hottie.) Yep, my sisterly friend Cha Cha is going to be Gerard Butler’s bride and those nieces and nephews are gonna be ungodly insanely beautiful. Devilishly beautiful.


That’s right, bitches, hands off! He’s Cha’s man! Well, not yet, first I have to write a screenplay… okay first I have to figure out how to write a screen play (novels, I know, screenplays, not so much.) Then that screenplay will become a movie and Cha will dress like a Latino hoochie and strut about on set. THEN eyes will meet, souls will meld and uglies will bump.

Then I’ll be the prettiest bridesmaid possible next to the MOST BEAUTIFUL bride ever and then will come those happy holidays spent with Mr. Butler giving Mrs. Butler a festive dry-hump beneath the mistletoe.

So, any ideas out there for a good GB movie? I need to get on this cause I only just now got this email from Cha:

Dear Dia –

After thinking about your desire to get into screenwriting, I have a request.

Please write a vehicle which can star Gerard Butler.

I am pretty sure we are meant to be but just need an introduction.

Thanks for helping me find my future mate!


Before this note, which I only just received 10 minutes ago, I had no idea that Butler was my friend’s soul mate or the star of my very first screenplay. Please! Send GB script ideas my way. I need to write it, sell it, and get Cha married off to Gerard all before next Christmas cause he is sooo setting up the giant glowing Rudolph that roosts on the roof. I can’t be bothered with it, I’m too busy writing on a furry stocking in glitter-glue cursive letters: G-E-R-A-R-D.

Sarah Palin’s Haunted White House

Posted in SPOOKY KABUKI with tags , , , , , on October 24, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Whew! Thank Goof, the polls are lookin’ good because Palin’s Oval Office is CREEPY!

If you haven’t seen Palin’s Haunted White House yet, let SPOOKY KABUKI take you to the hallowed halls of “Ahhhhh! NO!”  Be sure to click on the door at least 3 times, also the globe, the curtains, the red phone. And, hey, what the hell is happening beneath that sofa cushion?

Silly Sato, Cutesy Ganesh

Posted in Art & Culture, I Heart Tricksters with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Another witty deity by Vickie Berndt

"Sato Remover of Obstacles" Another witty deity by Vickie Berndt


Since so many of you peeked in on my blog “Hello Kitty as Indian Trickster”  I thought you might enjoy seeing this companion piece by Vickie Berndt.  Wish it were mine, sigh.  My eyes are green with envy over his juicy orange belly.  Love it!  These pieces make me so damn giddy.  I love the impish irreverence, the sacred-cow-cartoon of it, the happy inside the holy like the yolk in a papery shell.

Vickie Berndt, are you a trickster? 

You do love to turn things on their head with a great big guffaw!

It takes one to know one, so I mean no insult.

Well, my love, it’s not for me to blow yer tricky cover…. but I will say this much: I heart Vickie Berndt and I heart Tricksters!

Want more?

Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.

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