Archive for Joe Biden

W.W.A.M.D? Tina Fey’s Palin “Not afraid to get mavericky.”

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, Sex & XXX, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2008 by alphabetfiend


What Would a Maverick Do?

Tina Fey — a sparkle in the dark midnight. Again.  Finally someone mentioned Palin’s “I tolerate the gays” crap! That yuck has been a pebble in my shoe for days. Done beautifully, of course. Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill. I need a “W.W.A.M.D?” bracelet like 10 minutes ago. If I wasn’t so lazy I’d start screening t-shirts. You MUST watch it for yourself. And even if you caught SNL you should give it another go because (while attempting to post the NBC clip, and failing) I laughed at different things every time. I was able to post it on myspace however. Here are some highlights, word for delicious word.  Didn’t I say that Tina Fey would shed some light?

Tina Fey illuminates....

Tina Fey illuminates....

           For starters…

  • Can I call you Joe? OK. Cause I practiced a few zingers where I called you Joe.
  • I love John McCain. He’s one of my dearest friends. but at the same time he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean let’s be frank, John McCain, and again this is a man I would take a bullet for, is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, God love him but he’s a raging maniac. And a dear dear friend. 

          When asked about the financial crisis:

  • Y’know John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks and gosh darnitt, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that plagues this great country of ours.

          How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick?

  • Y’know we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves what would a maverick do in this situation and then y’know we’ll do that.
  • John McCain voted against Wall Street regulations 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times. And again this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life stranded on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain. No doubt about it. I mean you should see my face light up when he walks into a room.

          Insiders & Outsiders:

  • Also too you see I think a little differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government ‘hey, get outta my way, stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter.”
  • I come from Scranton Pennsylvania and that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re ever gonna find. It’s a hell hole. An absolute jerkwater of a town. it’s just an awful awful sad place filled with sad desperate people. Nobody and I mean nobody but me has ever come outta that place. It’s a genetic cesspool. So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite cause I come from the absolute WORST place on earth.  Scranton Pennsylvania.  And Wilmington Delawares not much better.

          On global warming:

  • We don’t know if this climate change whoozie whatzie is man made or if it’s just a natural part of the end of days. But I’m not gonna talk about that. I would like to talk about taxes. Because with Barrack Obama yer gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get mavericky in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that and also too, the great Ronald Reagan.

          On same-sex marriage:

  • In an Obama-Biden administration same sex couples would be given the same property rights, rights to insurance and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be no distinction.

           So to clarify, do you support gay marriage?

  • Absolutely not. But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital and in a lot of ways that’s just as good if not better.
  • Y’know I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people cause I do. I tolerate  them with all my heart.

          On Health care Regulation?

  • I’m gonna ignore that question. And instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are gonna say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters but from a very young age my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.

           A now a chance to make a closing statement:

  • Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?
  • Sure there were moments when I wanted to say “Hey, this lady’s a dummy!” But I didn’t because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat. Joe Biden is BETTER  than THAT.
  • I liked being here tonight answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream “gotcha!” media with their follow up questions, fact checking or incessant need to figure out what yer words mean or why you put them in that order. 
We should all repay Fey with sexual favors. It's the least we could do.

We should all repay Fey with sexual favors. It's the least we could do.

If Margaret Cho goes down on Sarah Palin, as she’s offered to do, then I’m so gonna suckle Tina Fey. Or if she’d prefer, she could totally do me with a strap-on. Whatever Tina Fey wants. She’s a sexy bitch… and plus, I feel like I owe her. No anal though. I don’t owe her that much.

Tina Fey to Shadow Palin Tonight! Yay! TGI Saturday.

Posted in politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2008 by alphabetfiend

TGI Saturday!

Tonight’s another SNL with Tina Fey!

Palin & McCain share an intimate moment. Oops! That's Tina Fey & Steve Martin.

Palin & McCain share an intimate moment. Oops! That's Tina Fey & Steve Martin.

      Tonight Tina Fey returns to her old haunt to reprise her Palin imitation  which is so spot on it’s spooky. Not in a supernatural way — no midnight “Boo!” — but spooky like “holy hell how did this woman ever make the leap from PTA to VP?”  Now that’s  some crazy crossroads stuff — even by Palin’s own admission. According to Sarah Palin, she is presently the Governor of Alaska because a bold-speaking witchhunter made it so.  As reported by the Times Online, Thomas Muthee, Susser-out of-Demonic-spellcasters, laid hands on the then mayor and whisked her off to the Alaskan Governorship. Is the Oval Office next? (Yikes! Maybe we need some gris gris of our own.) As Palin tells it,  “I’m thinking, this guy’s really bold… he’s praying not “oh Lord if it be your will may she become governor,”… He said “Lord make a way and let her do this next step. And that’s exactly what happened.”  Meaning that it was not the Lord’s Will.  Jesus didn’t put Palin in Office, Thomas Muthee did. “Pastor” Thomas Muthee likes to wield his personal power. He ran a Kenyan woman out of town after accusing her of demonically causing fatal car accidents, thus launching an old fashioned dark-ages witch hunt. Yep, a witch hunt. OK. There’s your pitch black midnight “BOO!” 

       Just in time for Halloween!

      I’d like to see Tina Fey recreate the above Pastor Muthee lays hands on Sarah Palin scene.  It’s ripe for comic mining. The moaning & swooning, the “amens” & “you-betchas!” And you know there was some innapropriate groping during the “laying on of hands” so SNL could toss in a nice titty-twister. I heard they were speaking in tongues! Creeeeepy. It’ll be the kind of thing where you start to laugh but end up puking into your own mouth. That acidic vomitous surge is a gross foreboding. A bad moon rising.
      More likely, tonight’s episode of SNL will recreate the debates. My money’s on Say it ain’t so, Joe. $$$ I just “betcha!”  Fortunately, Fey’s masterful take on Palin illuminates the issue while still managing to be hilarious. I can’t wait to bask in the light she sheds tonight. This week will be the third week out of seven so the next month will be funny funny. In a sad sad way. 
      Goof Bless you, Fey. Your reward is in Havana. But they’re Castro-lovin’ Commies so good luck getting there. A black market Cuban Cigar will have to do for now.
Fey & Poehler make a great team.

Fey & Poehler make a great team.

Note: RobotBoy got all excited over the above photo of Fey & Martin but alas Martin is NOT slated to be on SNL tonight. “Too bad,” sez the RobotBoy, “He could play Biden.”  If only! That would be some wild & crazy PERFECT.
Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.

Whose drunk after the debate?

Posted in politics, Rock & Roll, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Folks bein' "out sick" tomorrow not gonna help the economy.

Folks bein' "out sick" tomorrow not gonna help the economy.

Were you knocking back shots every time someone said “taxes”?

Get thee to the ER!

A Joe Six-pack swig for every Palin “you betcha!” or “also”?

Uh oh.

A fiery gulp of whiskey for every call to “change”?

Don’t sleep on your back tonight.

For those of you too drunk to know,  Joe definitely did the best jaw job. “Overwhelmingly,” stresses the Robot Boy. Sarah Palin was hilarious once she got over her moose-in-the-headlights panic. I spy Tina Fey practicing in the mirror! God bless her. Her reward is in heaven. Quick question though, “Who the hell is Talibani?”

The laughs were wonderful gut busters but Biden won. Clearly.

In crossword puzzles, they call that a “ROUT.”


Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna-be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.

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