McCain & Palin Hawk the GOP on QVC (SNL Nov 1)

McCain wasn’t half bad on SNL (unlike Palin who was completely useless.) It’s just so close to election day and I’m so ready for it to be over. I’m so ready for a little Chocolate-Change in the White House. I’m ready for Tina Fey to be Tina Fey. And for Sarah Palin to hurry up and go away.

Fey deserves the fanfare from her wicked Palin imitation.

I did wonder though what must’ve been going through McCain’s mind when — in the skit — Sarah Palin, played by Fey, snuck off to sell herself in secret. How wierd for him to see that truth and just have to laugh through it. For some laughs of your own, see the QVC skit for yourself.

VOTE FOR OBAMA!!!!

Oh and if Tina Fey asks you for favors, sexual or otherwise, PONY UP. It’s the least we could do for that smart sexy bitch. If she wants to put a saddle on your back and ride you around the room, get on all fours and bray like a buckin’ bronco.

Sarah Palin’s Haunted White House

Whew! Thank Goof, the polls are lookin’ good because Palin’s Oval Office is CREEPY!

If you haven’t seen Palin’s Haunted White House yet, let SPOOKY KABUKI take you to the hallowed halls of “Ahhhhh! NO!”  Be sure to click on the door at least 3 times, also the globe, the curtains, the red phone. And, hey, what the hell is happening beneath that sofa cushion?

Carabou Barbie aka Sarah Palin on SNL (October 18)

Palin was bland and Fey was better-than-OK but the night belonged to Poehler.

 

 

This mediocre but much-anticipated SNL episode had the highest overnight ratings since Bill was smoking that infamous cigar in The White House. Back in the day-aye. They probably should’ve taken advantage of the hype.

1. Why show a re-run last Saturday? It was the 33rd anniversary of SNL’s debut and the time was ripe, just weeks before the election, for rah-rah Happy Birthday fun.
2. Why fill last nights episode with perhaps a half-dozen McGruver skits and only two Palin/politics skits?  Palin was there and so was Tina Fey and so was Josh Brolin who just played Dub Bush in Oliver Stones W. You’d think they would’ve maximized those resources — all the better to impress the onslaught of viewers.

 I sure wasn’t blown away. It wasn’t as funny as I’d anticipated. Although my fears about Palin charming the pants off America were quickly allayed. She did nothing. She didn’t have even a nanosecond of funny. Even accidental “oops! we’re live” funny. Nothing, nada. Not only that but her presence made Fey’s performance barely negligible. Fey definitely dialed it down. I hadn’t heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that got a laugh but the night was about to be a total wash. Then Amy Poehler saved the day with a hip hop Palin that was totally awesome. Though I’m stumped as to why Poehler performed it instead of Tina Fey, being as Fey has owned the Palin impersonation and that’s what people were wanting to see. Amy Poehler was so great but pregnant and blond. Maybe Tina’s like me — nobody needs to hear her doing anything that even resembles singing. Or maybe Poehler was just so damn good at it that she had to do it.

1-2-3! My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me, vice prezzie nominee of the GOP.

Gonna need yer vote in the next election, can I get a whut-whut from the senior section!

McCain got experience, McCain got style,

but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile, cause that smile be creepy.

But when I’m VP, all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me.

She is joined by an Eskimo entourage. (Their lines in bold.)

Howz it go, Eskimos?

Eskimos!

Tell me, tell me what you know Eskimos.

Eskimos!

How you feel Eskimos?

Ice cold!

Tell me tell me what you feel Eskimos.

Super cold!

Not Jeremiah Wright but tonight I’m the preacher,

I got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher.

Todd Palin joins in, dressed in a racing snow suit.

Todd lookin fine on his snow machine,

so hot for each other need a go-between.

I’m a killah, we just chill-baby-chilla,

but when I see oil — drill baby drilla!

My cuntry tis of thee, from my porch I can see Russia and such.

All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up! All the mavericks in the house put your hands up!

All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up! All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up!

When I say Obama, you say Ayres.

Obama. Ayres! Obama. Ayres!

I built me a bridge — it ain’t goin’ nowhere. Oooh!

McCain-Palin gonna put a nail in the coffin of the media elite.

She likes red meat!

Shoot a mother-humpin moose 8 days a week. pop pop pop. (Gunshots)

Now yer dead. Now yer dead. Cause I’m an ANIMAL and I’m bigger than you.

Holdin the shotgun, rockin the pump,

everybody party, we’re goin’ to hunt!

pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop.

Yo! I’m Palin! I’m out!

Speaking of pop pop, is Amy Poehler ready to pop or what? It was pretty great. But don’t take my word for it, go see it yourself. Yo! I’m A-B-C Fiend! I’m out!

 

Palin Got A Boob Job!

Oh wait! That’s Lisa Ann. Damn. Throw some lenscrafter specs on a porn star and call her Sarah Palin.

Um.. I mean Serra Paylin. (Clever, clever, Mr. Flint!)

Who put the lipstick on that there pig?

Boobs for Obama!

Now pervs can watch porn and be patriotic at the same time! Yay!

The plot? A Russian tank crashes into a tree in front of Sarah’s (Serra’s) suspiciously expensive home that Todd Palin supposedly built himself.

Here’s an excerpt from the script:

In Serra’s living room – afternoon.

Close up of a moose head hanging on the wall, then a photo of Serra giving the thumbs up while her foots rests on a dead polar bear.

Snow falls outside a draped window.

There’s a loud knock on the door.

Serra: Jeepers crumpets, who could that be?

Door is opened to reveal:

Two Russian soldiers in long trench coats & fur-lined hats.

Naughty naughty! To see more of the script or of Lisa Ann go thee to TMZ.

Peggy Hill in Flint’s Palin Porn: hot XXX mess. (adult content)

I told you that Larry Flint was making a Palin porn and then I told you that he’d pegged Peggy Hill to “play” Palin.  I thought for sure that Hank, being the King of his Hill, would never bite. Looks like I was wrong! I don’t know how Flint managed to talk The Hills into this, no doubt Peggy’s insatiable ego came into play. Peggy’s done porn before but only in foot fetish films. This is her first foray into full-spread freakdom. Fortunately (or maybe not) Peggy is familiar with her co-star: her father-in-law Cotton Hill was brilliantly cast as John McCain. 

The resemblance is uncanny! Pretty f#%kin' scary!

Palin & McCain are one hot ticket!

I may be biased. I’ve previously confessed a dirty cartoon fetish (which is pretty weird as I’m very often told that I resemble Betty Boop.) I think Flint’s new project is pure genius. There are plenty similarities beween The Hills family and McCain-Palin. Peggy is perfect as Palin! Absolutely. They both hear “dumbass” and retort with “Why, yes, I am a genius.”

Plus, Peggy has Palin’s homespun vernacular down.

Peggy’s porn star turn is doggone hot,  I tell you whut!

Peggy! We never knew!

It’s nice to see Peggy released from her usual get-up. Green tank and skort begone! She took to her pink feather boa like a practiced XXX starlet and eased right into her role as pervy Repub Sarah Palin.

Peggy Hill makes one hell of a pornstar!

Who knew Peggy Hill was such a nympho-licious nincompoop?

They don’t call her “The Boggle Champ” for nothin!!!! 

Hank has the heebies

Hank had no idea what he was getting into when he volunteered to “man the tools.” 

Okay, I’ll come clean (if that’s possible) and point out the obvious — Peggy Hill is not actually the new star of Flint’s Palin porn, reportedly called Nailin Palin. The real Palin-player is Lisa Ann and she is not pixilated. Darn! Although I’m sure that the rest of you will find her a more suitable pornstar than Peggy Hill. But if, like me, you dig this toon version, then hop over to drawnsex.com to see more cartoon obscenity from the folks who brought you the above images of the Hills in compromising positions. The Hills aren’t the only toons those freaks at drawnsex.com have sullied. Seriously. You will never look at Snow White the same way again. Or maybe you will… if you have always imagined that her straining bodice becomes ferociously unloosed by horny dwarfs who then feast on her snow-white flesh.

Goof-speed, kinksters.

Sarah Palin: Her Stupidity Flows

No Fey last night!

That ain’t right!

What were they thinking? It was the 33rd anniversary of SNL and people are watching again. The day begged for a killer episode but no.

Well, this oughta be good for a few sad giggles.

“What is there left to say? It’s an all you can eat dumb buffet.”

“Just because I can see the moon doesn’t make me an astronaut, you loon.”

Box o’ Palin Porn-flakes

For those mornings when yer hungry for a hot steaming bowl o’ moose muff.

Is SP McCain's Lucky Charm?

I told you perverts that Palin puts Cunt-ry first!!! Did I not?

 The Pitbull’s gonna do it doggie-style, doggonnit!

 

I don’t know if this is Larry Flint’s Palin project cause his was supposed to be called “Nailin’ Palin.”

 

Arg, I’ve written far too much about Palin and porn and Palin in Porn in the last 2 weeks. So I’m gonna let it ride. (giggety.) I’ve had so many giggeties lately, I’m starting to feel like Family Guy’s rez kinkster Quagmire. If you want more content (suuuure ya do, o-yeah, I believe you) then check out my more lengthy post with giggeties aplenty, (Ala)Skin Flick: Larry Flint to Make a Palin Porn or if you’re just more interested in the hottie Flint cast to “play” Palin (yeaaa, now that’s more like it) go peek at the porn star version of Palin on Peggy Hill to Star in Palin Porn. Other than that I’ve got nothin’ more for ya’.

It’s midnight on a Friday and I have porn of my own to watch. 

 

Wet dreams!

 

TrooperGate: Palin Found Guilty of Impropriety

The engineer of the Straight Talk Express (choo choo!) is all kinds of CROOKED.

Palin was found guilty today of impropriety and abuse of power for personal gain.

Wink wink.

I do whatever the heck I wanna do dog-gonnit.

A bi-partisan investigation into the TrooperGate debacle has ruled that Sarah Palin abused her position and her power as the Governor of Alaska. Palin wielded her political muscle to unseat Alaska’s top cop. The firing followed Monagen’s refusal to fire Palin’s brother-in-law, despite many (far too many) attempts by Palin’s husband and staff to have Wooten sacked. Todd Palin was unapologetic about those apparently blatant acts of vengeance which Pa Palin paints as “protecting his family.” 

To hear The Palin’s tell it the brother-in-law was a combative ne’re-do-well. That’s not really the point. There was abuse of political power. Period.

The bro-in-law may have been a foul, odious a-hole. Oh well. I’ve met a few of them myself but I didn’t launch a rabid campaign to get them fired. And then when I failed to do so, fire the fellow I could fire. Meaning she wasn’t allowed through her position as Governor to fire Wooten (bro-in-law) and she damn well knew it. So when top-cop balked, he got the ax instead. Shady, shady, shady-lady.

I can almost hear it coming, the same argument Brittany Spears had when she took her baby for a joy ride sans car seat, same thing Sarah Palin’s hubby said when Sarah pulled her own Brit and was spotted on the road with an unbuckled baby. 

We’re just cuntry! 

The Redneck defense strategy practiced by peckerwoods everywhere.

Their “country” ain’t “Our Country tis of thee.” Clearly. Okay, rednecks, we get it. Cause you’re “cuntry” yer exempt from the rules us city folk’s obliged to follow. S’pose I halfway buy that. Hey, I was born in the northern New Mexico mountains so I’m familiar with the outlaw mentality that flourishes in a rugged landscape. I know how it goes. Yer sister hooked up with a dead beat devil man who tasers his taser-happy son and shines his headlights in folks’ eyes and shoots all the moose for himself cause he’s a greedy SOB. He’s a savage. He can’t be saved. You’ve prayed to Jesus plenty but he’s still breathing. So you take matters into yer own hands, knock his teeth out in a local bar, set the neighbors to seethe with gossip, get ‘im canned.

What’s the fuss?

When you take public office in service of your country (not your county, but the old US-of-A) then you forfeit yer “cuntry” ideals and all means of down home justice.

Which means, Gov. Palin, that you can’t use your power to wage a private vendetta. You cannot throw your weight around in pursuit of a personal grudge, no matter how “in the right” you are, no matter whether Jesus is on your side or in your pocket.

If we have to tell you that, Ma Palin, then you shouldn’t be Governor of Alaska no matter how “cuntry” it may be.  Let alone VP of this fine country, sweet land of liberty.

In light of this finding, we cannot even consider electing Sarah Palin as Vice-President of the United States. By her own admission, Palin is a vicious pitbull. She had her jaws locked on Wooten and wouldn’t let go. Monegen tried to pull her off and done got bit. Look, he’s covered in red lipstick, oh wait, that’s blood. 

Do not put Palin just one meek heartbeat away from the big red button.

*** Note: To see a XXX naughty illustration of Palin’s “Cunt-ry First” attitude peek in on my post Box O’ Palin Porn-Flakes. Yes, yes, yes, OMG, yes! Too perfect. Really, I could cream over the perfection of it. I almost posted it here but didn’t want its dirty to take away from this very important issue of Palin’s dirty politics.

Pro-Life Palin too “Country” for a Carseat

Brit said it first: Rednecks don’t need no carseats!

We speared Spears for this safety gaffe.

 

Through this whole TrooperGate thang it’s come out via Todd Palin, potential first hubby (ouch! It hurts to say!) that part of the “bad blood” between Monegan and Sarah Palin was over Palin not buckling up her baby. A mere 12 days before the man was canned, he sent an email to Gov. Palin,

“We received a complaint that had you driving with Trig not in an approved car seat; if this is so that would be awkward in many ways.”

Yes, awkward. Look at the uproar Britney spears caused when the poppers caught her driving with her baby in her lap. Gov. Palin sent a defensive missive from her private e-mail account (a no-no considering she was replying to something sent to the Governor and not to Sarah.)

“I’ve never driven Trig anywhere without a new, approved car seat. I want to know who said otherwise — pls provide me that info now.”

Todd Palin, in his sworn statement, took two contrary stances:

1. It’s a “false rumor,”  meaning it’s completely untrue and never happened.
2. Sarah palin was a passenger in a truck, “on a private farm road without traffic at low speed.” In other words, like Brit said, “We’re just Country!”

Well, which one is it?

I used to ride in the passenger seat standing up. So’s I could see everything. It was the late seventies. Even as an infant I never had a carseat but instead was surried about in a cardboard box lined with a bed pillow. My grandma now shudders to recall the days when she put her infant baby (my mother) into the basket of her bike while pedaling around town to run the errands of a new mom.

It’s not the 70’s and Palin is not a new mom. She is the Governor of Alaska and the Repub Veep nominee. People expect a pop singer to buckle up her baby so yea, a Governor riding around like a Redneck could be construed as a potentially  “awkward” situation.

Alaska’s state-law dictates that infants are to be in a carseat at all times. As the governor of Alaska, Palin is supposed to uphold state law.

We’re not just “Nailin’ Palin” here (giggety.)

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine was in a brutal car accident that could have cost him his life, especially since the Governor was not wearing a seat belt. NJ state law requires all passengers to buckle up. When pressed, the governor’s chief of staff said, “Those of you who know Gov. Corzine know he’s not always amenable to suggestion.” We tried to get that stubborn mule to buckle up but he wouldn’t do it.

Corzine’s crippling injuries wouldn’t have been so severe had he followed the laws of the state he governed. From his wheelchair, Corzine wrote a $45 check to pay the “failure to use a seat belt” ticket. Governor Corzine apologized for his conduct and “bad example” to the citizens of New Jersey.  He paid for his medical expenses out of his own pocket and shot a PSA reminding people to learn from his poor example and buckle up.

So Palin made a mistake, so what? Baby Trig is alive and well. Where’s the damage?

A man lost his job less than two weeks after questioning the Governor.

Kinda shady. Kinda “cuntry.”

“That one,” points McCain. One WHAT???

Dat one?

One what? What Dat?

Dat der negro boy.

I bristled when he said it during the debates but now they are saying on the news that the McCain Campaign is planning to use “THAT ONE” as a political slogan. I wanted to chalk McCain’s comment up to old age(preferable to dark age) but if it’s their new political motto then someone needs a beat down. Obviously they are trying to tap into people’s fears and create paranoia over Obama’s “otherness.” It was obvious they were going in that direction after Mean Girl Sarah Palin’s “palin’ around with terrorists” remark. They’re hoping to tap into America’s buried racism and deep xenophobia. The phrase is more than demeaning, it’s almost nanotech in nature. It’s meant to travel and replicate, reform, rework. It’s meant to get under people’s skin. It suggests Obama is Un-American. It points a finger and calls him what he is — BLACK.

Darren Davis, a professor at Notre Dame who specializes in role of race in politics, sent a comment to the Huffington Post  about McCain’s “that one” remark. “It speaks volumes about how McCain feels personally about Obama. Whomever said the town hall format helps McCain is dead wrong,” Davis wrote.  A few minutes later, Obama spokesman Bill Burton placed his foot on the pedal ever so slightly. In an email blast to reporters, he asks: “Did John McCain just refer to Obama as ‘that one’?”

America, they are trying to dig at your fears and poke around in your memories. Maybe when Grandpa was in front of the old black and white TV set and he shook his arthritic fingers with rage at the “OTHER” that threatened your safety. Or maybe the time grandma crushed your fingers and yanked you closer with a whispered warning to steer clear of “THAT ONE.” 

Is McCain crazy Grandpa?

Is Palin nutty Granny?

I just hope it’s true what they say, y’know, how once you go black, you never go back.