Archive for Saturday Night Live/SNL

A Slow-Mo Wednesday on WordPress

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Books & Writing, Friendship, I Heart Friends, I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart My Love-Tribe, I Heart Tricksters, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2010 by alphabetfiend

It was a slow, rainy day in Mississippi, which I craved after the chaotic heat of the last few weeks. The Robot asked if I wanted to drink beer on Magazine Street and I said no no no. No Nola today, not for me.

I was too exhausted from blowing the blooms offa roses like they waz fuzzy dandelions. I was too zapped from biting my tongue while my best friend talked crazy talk, just nodding my head when she said he waz her soulmate. I was over-wrought from bawling my eyes out on the porch steps cause crazy makes no fuckin’ sense but there’s no way to say it so there’s nothing to do but cry. I figgered she’d get there herself and she did.

She sez “Oh, the blooms off, it’s flat-out gone. Someone came along and blew it off, sent petals flying everywhere, and it was YOU!” And little trickster me, why I’ve never been prouder, even though her realization had her packing up a whole week early. After she pulled out, I crawled into bed and CRASHED. I slept for 12 hours, woke up, ate breakfast and then went back to sleep for another 4 hours. Now I’m curled up with the canine trinity and happy as hell to be here and not on Magazine Street.

On the plus side, I won’t be getting in trouble for my big mouth (again) because she does not read this. She reads everything I’ve ever written but not this. The very mention of wordpress or Cream Scene Carnival or bliggety-blog-blabla is enough to have her rolling her eyes as she stubs out her cig with ragged impatience. I said I was in an introspective writerly place and her face lit up, “Fiction?”  When I said no, her face fell like an avalanche. I’m so lucky, I know, to have someone champion my work. For 18 years, she’s been my biggest fan, but she hates this and hasn’t hesitated to say so. Why? Hmmm. She thinks it’s below me, that it’s a waste of my precious time, that it will lead nowhere (or rather, it won’t lead to her being able to see me on the shelves of your local Barnes & Noble and therefore, it’s going nowhere.) She thinks some asshole will stumble on my writing, either here or elsewhere on wordpress where I’ve posted the first 20 chapters of a novel in first draft (Pure Sweet Chocolate Sense) and that they will steal my stuff and use it to get where I should be going. I’d write it off as total paranoia but she’s been right about assholes before. She’s got a nose for assholes (this week not withstanding.)

I should be ecstatic that someone cares enough to obsessively worry like my friend does… and I am. Sorta. It’s odd being griped at for not writing when writing is all I’m doing these days. She feels I’ve got a gift for fiction and that fiction is where I belong. Fiction is my first love, my true love, but even at 10 yrs old I knew I wanted to master other forms of writing. I always expected to write everything from poetry to free-lance magazine columns/articles, from love letters to graffiti…. Cream Scene Carnival is representative of that creative mish-mash. Maybe if she took a real look at CSS she’d see “ME” in it and chill, but probably not. Like her, the word “blog” makes me bristle. Something about it seems not quite right… not quite “write.” I don’t really consider CSS a blog so much as a digital zine. If I “made it” as a blogger but not as a writer, I’d be devastated and then dead from all the I told you so’s. Which is not to say that I don’t think real quality writing is happening within the blog-o-sphere. Maybe it’s just about linguistics and literary pretension.

Still, I’m proud to be a Cream Scene carnie these days and grateful for all the support I’ve gotten from the people I’ve met through wordpress. I’m energized by the back and forth, the intimacy, and the immediacy of being able to knock something out and put it up to be read right that minute. I love how I never know what’s gonna make an impact and so I’m always surprised. I totally dig my dash — all the searches, the pathways people took to get to me, and sometimes to get back to me which is even better. It’s starting to happen where everyday someone is searching for “Cream Scene Carnival” in particular or else “Dia VanGunten writer/circus freak” or “TV sex carnival Dia Van” or some other variation on either my name, the site name or a specific post title. That never used to happen and now that it has, I’m paying close attention. 

I once got 900 hits in just one day for a post about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s first born. I’m a fan of both and so I was watching SNL and then on the late-late news, they said that Poehler had gone straight to the hospital from her final night on SNL, which had just aired. I giddily typed it up, never expecting the onslaught of views. It was timely, because it was late on a Saturday night/early on a Sunday morn and I was up anyway trying to get the punk rock gospel up for my “congregation” of misfit mystics. I ended up being one of the first to report it, even before Hollywood gossip sites, so I was top o’ google and still get hits for that post 2 years later. I’ve slaved over other posts — masterpieces in comparison, well thought-out, finely-crafted writing wise and typo-free — but they’ve been viewed by one very reliable reader and I always know it’s him cause he hops over from his own wordpress dash. I don’t mind either way. Really, to be honest, I write for myself first and then for that RELIABLE ONE… it’s all gravy after that. Lately, it’s looking like I have a reliable few and that’s cool too. Very.

In regard to my expectations for myself or the expectations that others have for me (see more of the above) — it’s those specific searches that most thrill me. It’s one thing to get lottsa hits as one person after another stumbles upon you because you’ve done a good job of staying current and guessing on that next big thing or even inventing that next big thing (in the case of one of my notorious top posts.) But it’s another thing entirely to be searched out, either because they’ve read you before and they dug it, or because they’ve heard from someone whose taste they trust that there’s something kinda freaky-deeky goin’ on over at “Cream Scene Carnival” and so they take the time to google and then to read. You end up with readers both ways but with the latter, you can see it happening and that’s a blast.

     
Lusty Luddite Looking to Seduce Lonely S 21 More stats
Home page 9 More stats
True Blood Theme Song: “Bad Things” by J 7 More stats
Peggy Hill in Flint’s Palin Porn: hot XX 4 More stats
Hot Mummy Love is Some Sexy Ass Gentle 2 More stats
Showtime’s Californication Makes My Brai 2 More stats
Tina Fey as Palin: “Not Afraid to get Ma 2 More stats
Baby Jesus Butt Plug (A real thing!) *Ad 2 More stats
About the Ringleader 2 More stats
Tryin’ To Make It Real Compared To What? 2 More stats
Swimming Pool Mermaid 2 More stats
Elvin Bishop’s “Fishin'” (Sunday AM Punk 1 More stats
My Sexual Custody 1 More stats
Peggy Hill to Star in Palin Porn? 1

A slow day in Mississippi, a slow day on wordpress, 58 views in all. I  love the goofy google poems that randomly rearrange everyday…. it’s like a window into meaning and culture. Here at wordpress we have these magical spaceship dashboards that give us a glimpse into the minds of human beings. What are people loving, laughing at, lusting after? What are they wondering about or wishing for?

I did a post a while back about the word “Diva” and how it’s been co-opted by obnoxious women with sparkly fingernails and I posted a clip of Sarah Silverman singing, “If you call yourself a diva, it better be for reals, and not just some sad pathetic kind of front…You’re probably not a diva, you’re a cunt.” She’d performed it in NYC for a storytelling thang which I’d listened to on pod-cast but no one had heard it outside of this small audience and no one cared a whip about my post. Until last Wednesday, when she must’ve played it on some late night talk show or something cause suddenly the cunt-diva searches came rolling in.

I have a couple posts about the amazing mofo comic Mike O’Connell of Million Dollar Strong and the hits are paltry but I fully expect to open my laptop someday and see it lit up & blinking like a white tinsel christmas tree.

I find it’s fun to anticipate the future obsessions of others and to be privy to their proclivities at present.

steampunk 22
tina fey 2
creme scene carnival 4
i wanna do bad things to you true blood 2
xxx carnival 2
janeane garofalo sexy 1
king of the porn peggy 1
bride frankenstein tattoo 1
hank hill porn 1
larry flint palin 1
tina fey’s wedgie 1
hot sexy mummies 1
peggy hill porn 1
true blood do bad things to you 1
camille rose garcia 1
true blood theme song 1
i dont know what you’ve done to me but i 1
californication 1
elvin bishop fishin 1
but i know this much is true; i wanna do 1
tumescent cock

I must say that I’m feelin’ pretty damn cheeky over the hilariously absurd collection of searches that show up on my dash. I’ve never written about Tina Fey’s wedgie and yet there it is, no nonsense white cotton panties all up in Fey’s yummy bizness. Mmmm. And “Janeane Garofalo sexy”??? Oh hell yea! Lately steampunks can’t get enough of the Lusty Luddite while the rumor I started about Peggy Hill starring in Flint’s Palin porn is finally beginning to slow down. The very talented artist Camille Rose Garcia is another sexy bitch that I’m proud to see on my dash. I’ve never written about a Bride of Frankenstein tattoo although I’m all inked up and was once the bride for Halloween. Funny story:

The following day was a Saturday and I was certain that people would still be celebrating so the Robot and I kept our wigs on as “Frank & Bride on their Honeymoon.” I wore a sheer ghosty nightie with black lace & garters showing through with marabou feather boudoir slippers. I also carried a little pink suitcase. But the Bot was the best with a green tee and green tights under his boxers and a BIG GREEN DILDO sticking outta his boxers like a franken’ woody. AWESOME! I was wrong, no one else was dressed up, but we did get in to see the band for free.

Perhaps, hearing about the giant green monster hard-on, it’s no surprise to you that I am especially proud of the “Tumescent Cock” search as well as “XXX Carnival.” I am certain that those Brits looking for “Hot Sexy Mummies” (that’s MILFs to you Yanks) are beyond disappointed to find actual bandage-bound mummies who’ve been lucky enough to find Everlasting Love. One of the coolest things that has happened lately is that people have started reading the Sunday AM Punk Rock Gospel which is my little 10 minute church for other godless heathens like myself who might still want to touch base with something beautiful on a Sunday. If church were more like the punk rock gospel, I’d probably go. No one ever read the punk rock gospel before, at least not on purpose, but I loved it and the RELIABLE ONE loved it so I kept doing it and now I see that folks are looking for it which pleases me to no end cause I’m that much closer to starting my own cult and getting fire-bombed by the government. We gots to have goals in life, right?

I love you, my sweet faceless kinksters, thanks for reading. Sorry for my hinky mood tonight — I’m zonked and I’m crabby, it’s rainy and the Bot’s drunk on Magazine Street, my best friend sneers at Cream Scene Carnival and that frustrates the shit outta me cause she hasn’t met all of you and so she doesn’t see what’s in it for me. I adore y’all, I do. Keep comin’ around. I’m here, I’m not goin’ no where, I swear!

Good night, my freaks, may you have sweet or wet dreams, whichever you prefer.

**P.S.** In ode to the deep south, there are two chickens in this rainy post — do you see the second one?

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McCain & Palin Hawk the GOP on QVC (SNL Nov 1)

Posted in politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2008 by alphabetfiend

McCain wasn’t half bad on SNL (unlike Palin who was completely useless.) It’s just so close to election day and I’m so ready for it to be over. I’m so ready for a little Chocolate-Change in the White House. I’m ready for Tina Fey to be Tina Fey. And for Sarah Palin to hurry up and go away.

Fey deserves the fanfare from her wicked Palin imitation.

Fey deserves the fanfare from her wicked Palin imitation.

I did wonder though what must’ve been going through McCain’s mind when — in the skit — Sarah Palin, played by Fey, snuck off to sell herself in secret. How wierd for him to see that truth and just have to laugh through it. For some laughs of your own, see the QVC skit for yourself.

VOTE FOR OBAMA!!!!

Oh and if Tina Fey asks you for favors, sexual or otherwise, PONY UP. It’s the least we could do for that smart sexy bitch. If she wants to put a saddle on your back and ride you around the room, get on all fours and bray like a buckin’ bronco.

A Ladies Man, Missing Ladies & A Pumpkin-Head (SNL October 25)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Don Draper was there but Tina Fey wasn’t. (What up? She was supposed to be on for 7 episodes.) Amy Poehler wasn’t there either. She’s pushing out a lil’ punkin head. Maybe Tina Fey is Poehler’s lamaze coach. Is that why Coldplay got four songs? Because they had to scrap Fey-Poehler skits? Things that make you go hmmm.

Liberace’s ghost made an appearance on “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Liberace — in bone-white boa — pounded the piano keys while Vincent Price recited Poe’s “The Raven.”

Fans of Jon Hamm were surely thrilled by a send-up of Madmen titled “Two A-Holes Go to an Ad Agency.”  Watching Don Draper try to finesse SNL’s “Two A-Holes” was pretty funny, babe. Right babe? It was OK, babe. Yea, babe, it was alright.  Several members of the Mad Men cast were in the skit so that was a real treat. (The last episode of Mad Men was so good that I’m still a-quiver, just seeing the cast gave me tingles.)

Another treat for Mad Men viewers — “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women.”

  1. When in doubt remain absolutely silent.
  2. When asked about your past give vague open-ended answers.
  3. Have a great name.
  4. Look fantastic in a suit, look fantastic in casual wear, look fantastic in anything. Sound good, smell good, kiss good. Strut around with supreme confidence. Be uncannily successful at your job. Blow people away every time you say anything. Take 6 hour lunches. Disappear for weeks at a time. Lie to everyone about everything. Drink and smoke constantly. Basically, BE DON DRAPER.

Oh how I hate to admit that I have fallen for Don Draper. I wanted so badly to be immune to his charms. But the last episode sealed the deal. Yep. I Heart Don Draper. The mysterious deal with the devil bastard who feels either nothing or too much. Sigh. Sexy bitch. He’s in the SPOOKY KABUKI spank bank.

Jon Hamm pitched an unusual project in the scatological skit “Jon Hamm’s john ham.”  A ham you can eat in the bathroom! Imagine a roll of slippery ham slices opposite your roll of TP and a “delicious dispenser of Jon Hamm mustard soap.” But don’t forget the Jon Hamm’s john ham motto:

 “If it feels like a slice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.”

What about skits that did not include Jon Hamm? Hmm. Let’s see… Oh! Maybe it’s just me but Robo-Call is a cutie.

Obama and Ayers are gaysexmarried. Obama is face book friends with Osama Bin Laden. Robo-Call built to give movie time, now Robo-Call only used to scare old people. Robo-Call feel dirty all the time. Robo-Call so sad. Next week Robo-Call supposed to tell black people election canceled.

Speaking of our soon-to-be Mr. President, here are a few highlights from The Obama Variety Hour.

  1. Obama and ladylove Michelle share a duet — “Solid as Barrack,”
  2. Bill Clinton croons “Don’t you forget about me,”
  3. Bill Ayers plays the keyboard while Jeremiah Wright takes a Seal turn ala “White People is Crazy” 

 

I told y’all way-preggers Poehler was about to pop! The baby-daddy is Will Arnett aka JOB from the critically acclaimed (but canceled) Arrested Development. That is gonna be one crazy baby! Is there a gene for funny? If the baby inherits Arnett’s booming voice I predict a nice living doing voice overs for pick-up truck commercials. Poehler’s cast members sung a supportive tune:

We love you Amy! And we just can’t wait to meet your baby!

I bet that baby’s gonna be a funny little squinch-faced chubbling.

Welcome to the planet, little one.

Are you a trick or a treat?

Given your genes, my moneys on a magical mixture of both.

(***Still don’t know what you’re doing next week? Someone compiled a list of SNL inspired halloween costumes circa the 1990’s. Consider the possibilities!)

Mystery Man Jon Hamm on SNL tonight! (Oct 25. Tina Fey too!)

Posted in SPOOKY KABUKI, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2008 by alphabetfiend

Jon Hamm hosts SNL tonight and I’m frothing. 

Maybe you are scratching your head and wondering “Whose this mysterious Jon Hamm that the fiend is fiending over?” If so, you still have time to zip over to the vid-ya store and rent the first few episodes of AMC’s amazing serial “Mad Men” which is about Madison Avenue ad men in the late 50’s early 60’s. Thusly, it’s a historical drama about American consumption. Which I adore. We are living in a material world and I am a material girl.  But above all, Mad Men is the story of of the inscrutable Don Draper — man from nowhere, man from everywhere — who is an archetype wrapped in an aura of secrecy. Everyone who meets him is at once in awe and off-put. He is transcendent and untethered. He is dead-man charming. A watchful Zombie. Don Draper is the ultimate SPOOKY KABUKI pin-up hunk. Handsome in a way that unsettles, Don Draper will get under your skin. Who is that masked man?

Hopefully, they will make use of Hamm’s Don-Draper spookiness on tonight’s SNL. I’d like to see a great Halloween skit. We need a new landshark. Although Tina Fey will be on to reprise her Palin imitation and that is sure to be plenty bone-chilling.

Coldplay is the musical guest. I hear two little toe-heads have been running around the SNL set like sugar-fueled trick’er’treaters. Picture Apple and Moses with sagging sacks and only ten minutes left for hi-jinks and Hershey bars.

I’ll let you know what I think and hey, you do the same.

See ya in the early AM.

Carabou Barbie aka Sarah Palin on SNL (October 18)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2008 by alphabetfiend
Palin was bland and Fey was better-than-OK but the night belonged to Poehler.
 
 

This mediocre but much-anticipated SNL episode had the highest overnight ratings since Bill was smoking that infamous cigar in The White House. Back in the day-aye. They probably should’ve taken advantage of the hype.

  1. Why show a re-run last Saturday? It was the 33rd anniversary of SNL’s debut and the time was ripe, just weeks before the election, for rah-rah Happy Birthday fun.
  2. Why fill last nights episode with perhaps a half-dozen McGruver skits and only two Palin/politics skits?  Palin was there and so was Tina Fey and so was Josh Brolin who just played Dub Bush in Oliver Stones W. You’d think they would’ve maximized those resources — all the better to impress the onslaught of viewers.
 I sure wasn’t blown away. It wasn’t as funny as I’d anticipated. Although my fears about Palin charming the pants off America were quickly allayed. She did nothing. She didn’t have even a nanosecond of funny. Even accidental “oops! we’re live” funny. Nothing, nada. Not only that but her presence made Fey’s performance barely negligible. Fey definitely dialed it down. I hadn’t heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that got a laugh but the night was about to be a total wash. Then Amy Poehler saved the day with a hip hop Palin that was totally awesome. Though I’m stumped as to why Poehler performed it instead of Tina Fey, being as Fey has owned the Palin impersonation and that’s what people were wanting to see. Amy Poehler was so great but pregnant and blond. Maybe Tina’s like me — nobody needs to hear her doing anything that even resembles singing. Or maybe Poehler was just so damn good at it that she had to do it.

I hadn't heard the Caribou Barbie thing yet so that gotta laugh.

1-2-3! My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me, vice prezzie nominee of the GOP.

Gonna need yer vote in the next election, can I get a whut-whut from the senior section!
McCain got experience, McCain got style,
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile, cause that smile be creepy.
But when I’m VP, all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me.
She is joined by an Eskimo entourage. (Their lines in bold.)
Howz it go, Eskimos?
Eskimos!
Tell me, tell me what you know Eskimos.
Eskimos!
How you feel Eskimos?
Ice cold!
Tell me tell me what you feel Eskimos.
Super cold!
Not Jeremiah Wright but tonight I’m the preacher,
I got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher.
Todd Palin joins in, dressed in a racing snow suit.
Todd lookin fine on his snow machine,
so hot for each other need a go-between.
I’m a killah, we just chill-baby-chilla,
but when I see oil — drill baby drilla!
My cuntry tis of thee, from my porch I can see Russia and such.
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up! All the mavericks in the house put your hands up!
All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up! All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up!
When I say Obama, you say Ayres.
Obama. Ayres! Obama. Ayres!
I built me a bridge — it ain’t goin’ nowhere. Oooh!
McCain-Palin gonna put a nail in the coffin of the media elite.
She likes red meat!
Shoot a mother-humpin moose 8 days a week. pop pop pop. (Gunshots)
Now yer dead. Now yer dead. Cause I’m an ANIMAL and I’m bigger than you.
Holdin the shotgun, rockin the pump,
everybody party, we’re goin’ to hunt!
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop.
Yo! I’m Palin! I’m out!
Speaking of pop pop, is Amy Poehler ready to pop or what? It was pretty great. But don’t take my word for it, go see it yourself. Yo! I’m A-B-C Fiend! I’m out!
 

Sarah Palin & Tina Fey: Side by Side (with video)

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, TV with tags , , , , , on October 7, 2008 by alphabetfiend

“It is interesting and very significant when you don’t even have to write punchlines, when the candidate writes them him or herself.” –Emily Heil

For those of you who think that Tina Fey’s impression of Sarah Palin was “unfair” or “unkind,” here’s a side by side view. Tina Fey is just shedding some light on the problems with Palin.

W.W.A.M.D? Tina Fey’s Palin “Not afraid to get mavericky.”

Posted in I Heart Funny Femmes, politics, Sex & XXX, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2008 by alphabetfiend

W.W.A.M.D?

What Would a Maverick Do?

Tina Fey — a sparkle in the dark midnight. Again.  Finally someone mentioned Palin’s “I tolerate the gays” crap! That yuck has been a pebble in my shoe for days. Done beautifully, of course. Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill. I need a “W.W.A.M.D?” bracelet like 10 minutes ago. If I wasn’t so lazy I’d start screening t-shirts. You MUST watch it for yourself. And even if you caught SNL you should give it another go because (while attempting to post the NBC clip, and failing) I laughed at different things every time. I was able to post it on myspace however. Here are some highlights, word for delicious word.  Didn’t I say that Tina Fey would shed some light?

Tina Fey illuminates....

Tina Fey illuminates....

           For starters…

  • Can I call you Joe? OK. Cause I practiced a few zingers where I called you Joe.
  • I love John McCain. He’s one of my dearest friends. but at the same time he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean let’s be frank, John McCain, and again this is a man I would take a bullet for, is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, God love him but he’s a raging maniac. And a dear dear friend. 

          When asked about the financial crisis:

  • Y’know John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks and gosh darnitt, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that plagues this great country of ours.

          How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick?

  • Y’know we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves what would a maverick do in this situation and then y’know we’ll do that.
  • John McCain voted against Wall Street regulations 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times. And again this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life stranded on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain. No doubt about it. I mean you should see my face light up when he walks into a room.

          Insiders & Outsiders:

  • Also too you see I think a little differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government ‘hey, get outta my way, stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter.”
  • I come from Scranton Pennsylvania and that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re ever gonna find. It’s a hell hole. An absolute jerkwater of a town. it’s just an awful awful sad place filled with sad desperate people. Nobody and I mean nobody but me has ever come outta that place. It’s a genetic cesspool. So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite cause I come from the absolute WORST place on earth.  Scranton Pennsylvania.  And Wilmington Delawares not much better.

          On global warming:

  • We don’t know if this climate change whoozie whatzie is man made or if it’s just a natural part of the end of days. But I’m not gonna talk about that. I would like to talk about taxes. Because with Barrack Obama yer gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get mavericky in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that and also too, the great Ronald Reagan.

          On same-sex marriage:

  • In an Obama-Biden administration same sex couples would be given the same property rights, rights to insurance and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be no distinction.

           So to clarify, do you support gay marriage?

  • Absolutely not. But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital and in a lot of ways that’s just as good if not better.
  • Y’know I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people cause I do. I tolerate  them with all my heart.

          On Health care Regulation?

  • I’m gonna ignore that question. And instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are gonna say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters but from a very young age my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.

           A now a chance to make a closing statement:

  • Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?
  • Sure there were moments when I wanted to say “Hey, this lady’s a dummy!” But I didn’t because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat. Joe Biden is BETTER  than THAT.
  • I liked being here tonight answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream “gotcha!” media with their follow up questions, fact checking or incessant need to figure out what yer words mean or why you put them in that order. 
We should all repay Fey with sexual favors. It's the least we could do.

We should all repay Fey with sexual favors. It's the least we could do.

If Margaret Cho goes down on Sarah Palin, as she’s offered to do, then I’m so gonna suckle Tina Fey. Or if she’d prefer, she could totally do me with a strap-on. Whatever Tina Fey wants. She’s a sexy bitch… and plus, I feel like I owe her. No anal though. I don’t owe her that much.

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