Archive for sex

“Joy” by Citizen Bird aka Silverbullit (Sunday A.M. Punk Rock Gospel)

Posted in I Heart My Love-Tribe, I Heart Robots, Music & Life & Sundays, Psyche & Sexuality, Rock & Roll, Romance & Relationships, Sexuality, Sunday AM Punk Rock Gospel, The wisdom of the universe with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2010 by alphabetfiend

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy. It’s leaking out from every pore. I feel joy now I feel joy!

Thanks for tuning in (“and turning on?” she asks, eyebrow arching.) This is a very special hip hip hooray Happy Birthday — to the RobotBoy! — edition of the Sunday A.M. Punk Rock Gospel.

Today we’ll be musing on the magic of love, on the mystery of dreams, on the JOY of music, on the brink of ecstacy.

Be patient while I goo-goo mew, for who am I but a love struck girl? 

This is just what I been lookin’ for! This is just what I been lookin’ for!

Before I met the real-life RobotBoy, he starred in several very vivid dreams.

It’s been a theme through-out my life, this “sensing” of an important someone before they’ve arrived.

My parents say it’s cause I was born with a veil (the amniotic sack, known as “the caul”, usually breaks away but when a baby comes out still hooded or “veiled” they’re said to be extra-sensory.) I say it’s cause I pay attention, plus I have the patience and the pesky urge to record my dreams rather than let them be lost to the ether. But perhaps it can be chalked up to a childhood spent on hyper-alert, always anticipating, neck craned and waiting.

This is just what I been lookin’ for! This is just what I been lookin’ for!

Maybe the universe just wanted to make damn sure I noticed that southern gentleman in the Hyde Park laundromat who would probably have been too shy to strike up a conversation, never mind ask for my number.

Eleven years later and the conversation I started continues. Sure, he’s shy but give him a beer and he’ll start talking; give him another and he’ll revert to the dense Mississippi drawl that slays me with sexy.

The RobotBoy and I have loads to talk about.

Being from the same mystical tribe makes for good conversation.

It’s especially important for weirdos (mofo freaks, genius odd-balls, jukebox poets, mutant mavericks) to find fellow tribe members with whom they can share their lives. This isn’t easy. Nothing great ever is.

But how could someone like the RobotBoy be with a woman who, I dunno, thinks like a mind-numbing Normal? Who sez “a man’s place is the workplace? Who voted for Bush? Who doesn’t give head? Who forbids fun in any form? Who freaks out over pot, porn, punk rock? Whose idea of music is Miley Cyrus? Who can’t rock and roll? 

Hell no. I know this man and he wouldn’t waste a moment with that woman.

If I hadn’t come along he’d have lived his life as a punk monk.

This is just what I been lookin’ for! This is just what I been lookin’ for!

Back in those days, before I met my Bot, I was still hyper-disciplined about recording my dreams (in an ever expanding series of tiny notebooks) and so those loverbot dreams can be returned to for re-examination whenever curiosity strikes.

We constantly marvel at all the little things those dreams foreshadowed.

In one of these dreams, he was known as an “R2D2” or “someone capable of inter-dimensional travel.” R2D2. Hahaha. It took years before I got the joke but I eventually laughed my ass off. In another prescient dream, he rose up from a smoky stage, surrounded by musical instruments, like a “Bradbarian Amadeus.” (No shit, that’s a direct dream journal quote.)

So it’s no surprise that music (real music, not Miley) has been such an enormous part of our love affair. 

Music — and the times we’ve shared within its clutches — has made “us” into a whole new thing, having given us a curious kind of form & function. It has also brought us a most immense, intense JOY.

This week’s featured song is “Joy” by Citizen Bird. They’re actually a Swedish band known as Silverbullit who had to change their name here in the states so as not to be confused with Bob Seger, er, I dunno, some other Silvery Bullety bunkos. I like the band by either name.

We first fell for Citizen Bird aka Silverbullit after seeing them live at CBGBs. They opened for The Soundtrack of Our Lives, more Swedes and one of our all-time favorite bands. (I Heart Ebbot Forever!) We saw both bands again the very next night at The Mercury Lounge. Despite impatience and preoccupation with our beloved Soundtrack, Citizen Bird blew us away.

Since then our love for them has only deepened.

The song “Joy’ is about just exactly that kind of love. 

I love to listen to “Joy” cranked up loud. Louder than yer mama can stand! Louder than yer doctor recommends!  Loud ass loud, my friends. I love it loud at the dusty gray, the very start of day, before the sun has risen, as the blackness fades. This sound, that gray, with the day & the highway curving up ahead.

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy. 

What is it? Well, you call it joy.

But maybe it’s more, maybe it’s an ecstatic rumbling from deep inside the cerebellum. Maybe it’s a giddy vibratory jumble of goodness in all it’s guises. Maybe it’s a wondering, a tumbling, an awe-gasp plundering and then a sudden eye-pop hiccup of hell yes. Maybe it’s a coming clean yanking free making way kinda thang? Maybe it’s a beat happening! In the left foot of Venus. Hard to say really.

It’s simple but it’s sacred, it’s easy but it’s pure.

A melody and a couple of chords.

Maybe people fall in love with music because Music will never leave –there will always be someone somewhere ready to rock out with their cocks out. Count on that. Sure, Music can and will break yer heart (happens all the time) but it’s the rumble-chest rib-wrenching feel good kind. Music can kick the living shit outta you, sure, but it’s always there later to kiss the boo-boo. 

For your pleasure, I have provided two very different videos. The first was directed by The Designers Republic for some bullcrap coke thing (ugh) but the video fulla throbbing hearts & cartoon pine trees is psychedelic, pulsing and kinda perfect.

Despite the sweet perfection of  The Designers Repub vid, I still feel compelled to share another. “Joy” set to a 1968 short film by German experimental film director, Lutz Mommartz. (“Weg zum Nachbarn”) Pardon my excesses. Really, I couldn’t resist. It’s super cool and crazy sexy. Right up a Robot’s alley! Plus, the artsy dark-haired hottie with the soft expressive (cum)face is just exactly the Robot’s type. 

Mmmm. I’m in the mood for a mind-bomb orgasm. You?

Now that’s a hell of a way to spend a Sunday! Calling out to God overandoverandoverandover.

Later, lovers.

JOY

Just a simple thing and nothing more.

Just a simple thing and nothing more.

Melody and a couple of chords.

Just a simple thing and nothing more.

Just a simple thing and nothing more.

Just a simple thing and nothing more.

It doesn’t hafta be any more.

Just a simple thing and nothing more

*

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy.

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy.

It’s leaking out from every pore.

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy.

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy.

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy.

It’s just a simple thing that you call joy.

I feel joy now I feel joy!

*

This is just what I been lookin’ for!

This is just what I been lookin’ for!

A melody and a couple of chords

This is just what I been lookin’ for.

This is just what I been lookin’ for.

This is just what I been lookin’ for.

I feel joy I feel joy I feel joy now I feel joy!

The mermaid-robot is from the crazily amazingly entertaining comic site Nataliedee.com

“Robot Love — Take Two” by Munster; “Robot Love is Forever” by graphic designer extroidinaire Scott McLean ; “I love you, Robot” is available as a t-shirt on shirtoid; Sad Robot is available as a tee at threadless.

View “Weg zum Nachbarn” in full at http://www.archive.org/details/Mommar…

For more on Cit-bird/Silverbullit see the Silverbullit website or the silverbullit myspace page.

The Citizen Bird album is available on amazon.

Sexy Mermaid Vay-Cay Get-a-Way (for Alice)

Posted in Art & Culture, Art Lover, Buxom Goo Goo, Goof & Glamour, I Heart Mermaids, Mythos with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Alice has been fantasizing about “a luxurious, decadent, and totally out of reach beach rental in Florida, especially for Mermaids, I kid you not.”

“Mermaid Castle” is the oldest beach house in Crescent Beach, Florida. The house, once a small grove of cypress, sleeps 12 and is available for holiday rentals.

“Mermaid Castle” features a tiki hut, a jacuzzi and a swimming pool perfect for re-infusing our scaly tails with much needed moisture. Also — so we don’t get too homesick for Atlantis, which is such a sorrowful “itis,” just ask Alice — there are “breathtaking ocean views.”

It’s no wonder Alice is inspired to play hostess (with the mostess.) 

“What a tea party I would throw. Of course, I would invite the Mad Hatter, Foxy Trickster, and the illusive brown rabbit with the black spots.”

Did you catch that, sailors?

I’ve been given a sought-after invite to Alice’s tea party. That’s me, Foxy Trickster!

I just can’t wait to meet the Hatter. I hear he’s very, how do they say? Eccentric. Those are my people, y’know. The Eccentrics. Jonathan Zap calls us mutants, I call us mermaids. Some people say weirdos to which I say “Woo-hoo!”

Oh what a tea-party that would be!

There on Crescent Beach, sipping maitais outta porcelain teacups, stuck haphazardly with technicolor paper umbrellas. We’d munch on a rainbow array of Parisian macaroons shaped like swirly seashells. We’d play poker with oceanic ante: tiny starfish & coin-sized turtles with orange sherbet bellies. We’d nap in poolside hammocks as the pages (and our fins) flapped in the salty breeze.

Around midnight, we’d don sequin mini-dresses & fishnet stockings. We’d order dark rum ON THE ROCKS  and lure shy seaman, who would crash into us with the velocity of a tsunami.

Of course they’d be long gone come morning (er, some might call it “afternoon.”) We’d awake satisfied, dreamy-eyed and mop-headed. We’d gossip about the evening’s exploits as we lolled beneath paper parasols (like in our teacups, only big.)We’d flop our tails in the sunshine, trading sexy tips & naughty details.

“Like what?” you wonder, with your drawers a-stir.

Well….a mermaid never kisses & tells (outside of a tea party) but let’s just say that we use what our mer-mama’s gave us.

MMMmmm. Mermmmermermermermmm. Mmm.

Get it, knucklehead?

Mermaids are experts at fellatio!

(Or cunnilingus, for those of us who prefer femmes.)

>Wink wink < 

*************************************

The painting “Fishnets” is by the whimsical & wonderful Nancy Farmer. Prints are available. If you have some time, lotsa time, swim on over to the artist’s site. Nancy Farmer must be a mermaid herself because you WILL get hopelessly ensnared. I once spent several hours in her “net” and when I finally came out of her sea-song trance my shirt was soaked with drool and I’d grown a fine set of demon horns. Be forewarned!

My Sexual Custody

Posted in I Heart Funny Fellas, In Celebration of the Absurd with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Mike O’Connell has me in his sexual custody!

Looks like maybe he’s got you all a-tingle too. I see you enjoyed the hell outta this surrealist comic the last time I featured him — Gotta Lotta Bitches to Plow — so I know you’re gonna wanna see him perform his moving song “Baboon Heart.” 

That poor baboon loved you very much and he hopes you change your mind soon. He misses your legs and he misses your lips, he misses your touch and he misses your tits. Especially your tits. DID I MENTION YOUR TITS? I think I did.

Damn! Mike O’Connell is a SEXY BEAST!

Pass it on.

Porous Walker’s Modern Cave Paintings

Posted in Art & Culture, Lipstick Shamaness, Mythos, Psyche & Sexuality, punk rock, Sex & XXX, Sexuality, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2010 by alphabetfiend

I was born in 1974 on an evil hippy commune in La Madera, New Mexico. Then, because of the their hippy ideals and to escape the aforementioned evil, my parents moved into a cave. I’m not even kidding about that. In first grade I shared that detail with my friend Kim Koontz and her family. Afterwards Kim’s mom had a talk with my mom about my “lying problem.”

I don’t really remember those days in the cave but if I did I bet I’d get along famously with Porous Walker. I’m on a campaign to get a cave for Porous Walker. Porous Walker needs cave walls to paint on so that future societies may stumble upon it and have a deeper understanding of our culture.

"You're still a dick."

Do you have a cave for Porous Walker to paint? 

"You're weiner is so cool."...."I wish I was."

As you can tell, the man really needs a cave that he can just go to town on… do you think they have arts grants for modern cavemen in need of caves?

Walker has a modest rudimentary style. At first look his work has a sort of humorous doodle quality but then you notice those organic, geometric patterns, like honeycomb or tortoiseshell. You feel the reverberation between humanity and environment. Like an echo in the mountains. That’s the only thing I remember from those cave days… I remember standing on a precipice with my Dad as he demonstrated the concept of an echo. My age was measured in months at the time… I know, because my first official memory was on my second birthday (I remember that waxy candle in the shape of the number 2.)

Hello? Hello! Hello? Hello! 

I call out and you call back… hello? Hello!

Porous Walker is that voice in the canyon… the world talking back… an assurance that we’re not alone..

"Now demolish the skyscraper, Godzilla."

Put the word out, people, cause there is a man in need of a cave. Until then we will have to settle for seeing his art in a balloon-filled gallery. Porous Walker had an opening on June 4, 2010 at San Francisco’s Fifty24SF. The show was heralded as “Haricots Magiques: The Final Attempt by Porous Walker.”

 

In a open letter cum press-release, a far-too-modest Walker discussed his caveman urge to make art: 

I’m honestly a bigger fan of art than I am an actual artist. I’ve tried to stop drawing, sculpting, arting but I can’t seem to stop. I’m addicted to that feeling of seeing amazing artwork, ideas and feeling the energy and spirit that created them and than allowing myself to let go and just make what I want.

I really try to work hard on my drawings, and I hope to live long enough to get to a point where I make something visually pleasing as well as purely concept driven.

 I live in Napa. I’m 35 years old. I want you and me both to laugh more than we don’t and above all I want to inspire people to share what’s in their minds.

The (cave)man himself

Walker also says he’s looking for a job and gave his phone number so if you have a job or a cave for Porous Walker then get in touch with the man. His website is currently located at www.porouswalker.com but he is up to some kind of mischief with a coming soon site called “the other google” at www.theothergoogle.com

Jesus Christ is in my Sprite"

Porous Walker will be showing at fifty24sf through July 26. They’re website is www.fifty24sf.com

HELLO? HELLO!

Gotta Lotta Bitches To Plow

Posted in Buxom Goo Goo, I Heart Funny Fellas, I heart hip hop, I like big butts & I can not lie, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2010 by alphabetfiend

So have you been paying any attention to this surreal mo-fo, Mike O’Connell? The man is insanely hilarious, emphasis on the insane. For those of you who adore the absurd, Mike O’Connell is for you.

As Million Dollar Strong, Mike O’Connell teams up with Ken Jeong for the hysterical hip-hop send up “What’s it gonna be?” Normally, I’d quote some of it for ya but I think I’ll stay mum this time and let you get it as it comes.  OK! Just one! I can’t resist.

I think your ass looks delicious…
uhhh huhhh!!
I got ta get my dick in your britches…

Ah, such sweet poetry. OK, now, if you have anything in your mouth make sure you swallow cause it WILL come shooting out yer nose when you start cracking the hell up.

Baby Jesus Butt Plug (A real thing!) *Adult content

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Books & Writing, Sex & XXX, Sexuality, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Despite last night’s post — Heaven Makes Some People Horny — I wasn’t sent straight to hell. Zeus did not descend from the rainy sky to deliver a swift kick to my ass. Jesus neither. (Though aren’t they really the same guy? Haaay, Zeus! Wassup?!) Today, when I climbed onto Buddha’s lap, he let me tickle his belly as usual. Even shared a few riddles. Ah, koans. Doorjambs for the soul.

I’m not feeling the hot flaming tongues of hellfire.

Thus my bravery is bolstered.

The baby Jesus butt plug is real, y’all!!

The baby jesus  butt plug is a real life actually-exists product by Divine Interventions, the sickopath company that makes dildos that look like our favorite deities, thereby decimating that second commandment.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

Oh man, just reading that makes me wanna plug my butt and buy some artwork.

I’m not making this shit up.

But someone did and that’s what’s really wild.

"When simply going to hell isn't quite enough"

God, I love the human race. People crack my ass up. People create baby jesus butt plugs to stick up there, should I so choose. Which I don’t. My little pink bumhole is for tongues only or perhaps the very well-timed tip of  a pinky but never ever never for the baby jesus.

But I don’t judge. No. I encourage.

The idea for Divine Interventions came to the guy while seated on the porcelain throne. There he was, meditating to the warm glow of his Jesus nightlight, just trying to pinch one off, when he was suddenly struck by divine inspiration.

It’s all so creepy and yet so captivating — like something out of a Harry Crews novel. Almost makes me wish my booty didn’t have such a strict doorman. Almost. (Don’t get any ideas, Robot Boy.) 

If you’re like me and the idea of a baby jesus butt plug makes you crack up rather than spread your crack, then I have something for you.   The Baby Jesus Butt Plug by Carlton Mellnick III. Perfect for the back pew. You know the one — it stinks like Old Spice but it’s great for catching up on your reading.

 

What came first, the book or the butt plug?

The Jesus Baby Butt Plug is for the twisted and well-read. It does not promote the molestation of Jesus.

WARNING: DO NOT MOLEST THE BABY JESUS

Step into a dark and absurd world where human beings are slaves to corporations, people are photocopied instead of born, and the baby jesus is a very popular anal probe.

Presented in the style of a children’s fairy tale, The Baby Jesus Butt Plug is a short dystopian horror story about a young couple who make the mistake of buying a living clone of the baby jesus to use for anal sex. Once the baby jesus clone turns on them, all hell breaks loose.

Carlton Mellnick III

The Baby Jesus Butt Plug was described as “Trashy and dark.” by 3 a.m. magazine. Trent Haaga, co-writer of Citizen Toxie, gave it a glowing-like-a-ufo review.

Reading Carlton Mellick III’s BABY JESUS BUTT PLUG is like hopping into an LSD-filled time machine with David Cronenberg, William Burroughs, J.G. Ballard, Philip K. Dick, and George Romero at the controls. This tale of office drones and disposable clones is a splatterpunk odyssey, a cautionary tale of corporate omnipotence, and a possible blueprint of the future of the nuclear family. Touching, poignant, horrorific, nightmarish, and beautiful all at the same time, BABY JESUS BUTT PLUG is the work of an uncompromising visionary who lances the boil of his seething imagination with the tip of his pen…”

 Lordy, lordy… I loves me some PKD!!! Burroughs and Ballard too. So I might just have to order a copy next time I’m on amazon. (Carlton Mellnick III also authored The Cannibals of Candyland which makes me smile after the candy-sotted books of today…) 

Heaven Makes Some People Horny (adult content)

Posted in Buxom Goo Goo, Fur Reals, In Celebration of the Absurd, Sex & XXX, Sexuality, Sexy Bitch Steampunk yum, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by alphabetfiend

I once knew a kinky slut who wanted to be fucked by Jesus.

To a certain extent, I can dig it. I did have a HUGE thing for the Lizard King, even with his grizzly madman christ-poet beard. I wrote a poem about going down on Gustav Klimt and I dry-humped Amelia Earhart in one very lovely dream. I was building some kind of steampunk orgasmatron in an old barn when Amelia was forced to crash land her silver airplane in the field out yonder. Humps & hi-jinks ensued.  But that chick, with her particular kind of “jesus trip,” she wasn’t being all sassy and symbolic and referential. It wasn’t even about irreverence. She wanted to be Mrs. Jesus Christ or, fail that, then she’d have been happy just to feel his warm jizz on her face. 

As weird as that chick was, she wasn’t really all that weird. There’s plenty of freaks who wanna get their freak on with Jesus H. Or Krishna. Or the Buddha. Personally, I’d rather get syphilis from Baudelaire. My crushes are more deviant than divine. But for some, it doesn’t get much better than up high. How’s the saying go? Once you go holy, you never go lonely?  Religion and sex have knocked boots plenty. They go way back. Think Zeus with his penchant for mortals. Picture Pan — watching from the shore as maidens romp merrily in the crick, a vision that has caused an uproar in his fetid nether-region. Trance out to the swan-song of St. Teresa as she ecstatically rejoices. Damn, she loves those flaming arrows.

We’ve been boinking the gods and the gods have been booty-callin’ us ever since creation. Ever since there was an us to dream gods up. Ever since there were gods to form us from the dirt like golems. We each depend on the other for existence — we each create the other — and where there’s creation, there’s sex.

Where there’s pollen, there’s bees.

Now we can be both deviant & divine

So why am I surprised to find that a company like Divine Interventions is creating products like these? Holy holes!

Finally, a crucifix that you can safely stick up in ya! For those in need of an exorcist, this day could not come soon enough.

Me, I’d rather bless myself with the Virgin Mary… which I’d order in a spiritual hue, such as violet or prayer-robe blue. But you, you might prefer to bury “The Diving Nun” like you were smuggling Gulliver. Or maybe you’re dying to punish Judas for his sins. Bad bad bad boy. If your sacrilege has eastern leanings, then you’ll wanna use Buddha’s belly to wiggle your jiggle like a bowl full o’ spermicide jelly. 

That’s right, sinners, there’s something here for everyone! Every heathen under the red hot sun. Yes, that means you, you jew. You too can have Moses deliver you to promised land.  

For that special brand of anal-retentive weirdo (or for collectors of absurd ephemera, such as myself) there’s “The baby Jesus butt plug.”

Oh, yes, we’re all going straight to hell.

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