Archive for tattoos

My Mask Reveals (Transmuting Miss Van)

Posted in Art & Culture, Art Lover, Fur Reals, Goof & Glamour, I Heart Shaman*Art, Lipstick Shamaness, Psyche & Sexuality, punk rock, Sexuality, SPOOKY KABUKI with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Personally, I like masks year ’round and have been known to don a mask & a tight-as-fuck punk tee for a regular (tho rockin’) night out. However, most humans deem Halloween (& Carnivale) to be the only “appropriate” times to don a mask. For freaks like me, October (& February) are nice times to stock up. 

I never expected to be the tattooed lady — even made it through my 20’s with just one bottle-cap crown — but then I fell in love with the Spanish/French graffiti artist Miss Van. By a stroke of kismet, I met Tina Forever, a gifted tattoo artist capable of transmuting the Miss Van magic. Now I say that my body is an inky Parisian alleyway. I regret that I don’t have more flesh to commit to inky renderings of Miss Van’s masked darlings. Every time I turn around, I’m falling in love with another one and wondering where on my body, she might feel at home.

DWTS Exploited My Weakness for Cho

Posted in Fame & Celebrity, Goof & Glamour, Got My TV Eye On You, I Heart Funny Femmes, I Heart Robots, I like big butts & I can not lie, Strange Science, Style & Fashion, Technicolor Pop, Top 2% of Coolest Mofos, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2010 by alphabetfiend

When I first heard that Margaret Cho was on the new cast for DWTS, I was in the Austin audience at Margaret Cho’s performance at The Paramount. She was kvetching about being sore from all the dance practice.

My initial response was “Crap, now I have to watch that shit n’ shinola. Dancing with the stars? Ugg.”

Yet another reminder to never say never.

“Why must you?” you ask. Well, because I love Cho more than I hate DWTS. DUH! Don’t you?

C’mon! We gotta take Cho when and where we can get her. Whether it’s on Lifetime’s schlocky yet charming series Drop Dead Diva, doing the tango on DWTS, or live at The Paramount.

Plus we’ll get to see her mom, which features prominently and hilariously in Cho’s stand-up.

Now that I’ve resigned myself to my pitiful fate, I hafta say I’m really looking forward to seeing Cho in sparkles, sequins and spandex. While performing her stand-up, she was already sporting a street-wear version of DWTS style. She wore a loose silky tunic — one-shoulder, sequined — that showed off her gorgeous shoulder tats. She paired the sparkly tunic with American Apparel’s metallic spandex leggings in spaceship silver; grounding the get-up with a great pair of ass-kicker boots. Mmm. Rugged and mmm soft buttery leather and mmm.

Sorry. My clothes-lust kinda took over for a second there. Lemme wipe the drool from my chin and we’ll move on.

I’m gonna enjoy seeing her twice a week for as long as this lasts. Once she’s booted, I’ll be free but I’ll be bummed.

I just hope she does the Robot. Cause that would totally rock.

No go show Cho some love! Give her some sugars! Form a rallying crowd for her to surf through. Join Team Van-Cho. GO!

Janeane Garofalo Spills (on) Her Ink

Posted in Goof & Glamour, I Heart Funny Femmes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2008 by alphabetfiend

 “If you’re appealing to the most amount of people all the time, you’re probably doing something wrong. If you’re a person who appeals to people with discerning taste-if some people love you and some people hate you-you’re probably doing something right.” — Janeane Garofalo

I’m one of the ones that loves Janeane Garofalo.

I’ve loved her forever. I loved her curves & platform shoes in Reality Bites. (See below for you-tube clip of Garofalo shakin’ her booty to “My Sharona”  in a gas station.) I think she’s gorgeous, intelligent & funny. If I met her out in the world, as a random person, I would like her much and befriend her quickly.  So I was excited to see her in the latest issue of Inked magazine.

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Janeane Garafalo had a nice juicy article (not a unsatisfying blurb) in the December issue of Inked.

Inky Pink is on the cover.

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Inked  magazine is kinda irksome. The interplay of tats & $2000 bags bums my tattoo artist Tina Forever.  But I love to hear the stories behind people’s ink so I enjoy the magazine. I also love the insanely sexy glam photos of tattooed ladies. Plus I think, in terms of it being arty & high fashion, that it’s nice to have alternative beauty ideals in that glossy guilty pleasure of the fashion magazine. I’ve also noticed the models are sometimes quite bootilicious. So on one hand I bow to my geisha Tina in all things tattoo… on the other hand I snap up a copy whenever I come across a new issue.

Then when Janeane Garofalo is inside — spilling behind-the-scenes details on her tats — I’m glad I did. (Sorry Tina. Here’s my hip. Go ahead and prick me. I’ve been a bad bad girl.)

Love that sexy bee-otch!

Garofalo blabbed about her pieces which number in the mid-teens and look killer yum yum on her. Yay!

I think I have 14 or 15. They’re all kind of splattered about-mostly on my arms, some on my stomach, some on my legs. My very first one was a star on my left calf. I got that because it was small and easily hidden. I liked it and I kept going from there. One of my favorite tattoo artists is Friday Jones. She did the Rosie the Riveter on my right arm. I really like the iconography. Instead of the government slogan “We Can Do It” underneath, I put “Valor,” from the phrase “A woman of valor, who can find? For her price is far above rubies.” Meaning it’s very difficult to find a courageous person-man, woman, or otherwise. It’s very valuable to be courageous, so I put it on my arm to remind me. I also didn’t want a government slogan from the World War II era on my arm.

Tattoo talk segued into politics — of course! — when the interviewer pointed out Garafalo’s left shoulder which is inked with the now honorary 4-letter word “Liberal.”

Being liberal is something to be very proud of. Over the last 30 years or so, the right wing of this country has managed to bastardize the word. They think it’s something to be feared because liberalism equals progress and social justice, and Republicans and conservatives hate progress and social justice. Liberal is not a dirty word. It’s not a pejorative.

She also discussed her hesitation to join the cast of 24 and her continuing struggle with the show’s depictions of torture.

I initially passed because some of the show’s creators’ politics are a little right wing for me. But then I realized, A. I need a job, B. I’m not myself on the show.

Creator Joel Surnow has jokingly called himself “a right-wing nut job.”  Oh, it’s not a joke. He is a right-wing nut job. While being a very funny guy, he’s also a right-wing nut job. That’s part of the reason I didn’t want to do it. I can’t honestly say that my conscience is clear about the torture on the show.

Politics segued into work, naturally, for Garofalo has been more politically-minded than career-minded and has often merged work & politics. She discussed the juicy gossip behind some of her famous roles such as her short (shorter than my 5 ft 2 in frame that can’t be allowed these big ole breasts… grrr) short stint on SNL.

You once said your stint on Saturday Night Live was the worst experience of your life.  For the five minutes when I was on it, it just happened to be at the rock bottom.  It’s been resurging since Tina Fey started there years ago-or, actually, since Molly Shannon came on. When Molly started, things started looking up.

Does the “SNL effect” on politics get more credit than it deserves? Nobody changes his vote because of a comedy bit. I do think, though, that cumulatively, shows like The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, SNL, Bill Maher, and David Letterman are showing the hypocrisies and absurdities of the contemporary Republican party. They’re hopefully helping to shape the feeling, Wow, this party is extinct. It should go the way of the dinosaurs.

She also dishes about her almost-roles like “Phoebe” on Friends and “Dorothy Boyd” on Jeremy Maguire.

Is it true that you turned down the role of Monica on Friends? No. There is some truth to it, but not exactly that. Long ago before Friends was Friends, when it was in its infancy, it was a show called Friends Like Us, and I was being considered for a role, like a goth girl, which I think morphed into Phoebe. Friends was created for Courteney Cox, so she was always Monica.

(Alpahabetfiend note… Friends may have been created for Cox but she was actually supposed to play Rachael and she chose to play Monica instead… I know b/c it’s the only reason I like Courtney Cox. That and the fact that she married a total freak. And named her baby Coco. A baby freak named Coco is too circusy & cute for words.)

What about rumors that you were close to getting the role of Dorothy Boyd in Jerry Maguire, which eventually went to Renée Zellweger? One of the producers wanted me to do it, with the caveat that I lose weight. Then I lost a bunch of weight and it turned out that the consensus was that I was too old. It’s hard to deny that Renee was perfect in that role. But I was first too fat and then too old.

Which brought us to another important issue — beauty ideals & body image — that Janeane Garofalo has addressed through-out her career which is one of the main reasons why I so adore her. I’m sure she’s made many women & girls feel more comfortable in their own skin.

You’ve been so open about body image. Do people still ask you to lose weight or change your appearance? Not anymore. When I started acting at 27, it was always, “Can you lose weight?” It’s kind of crappy, but that’s the gig. They pay you to look good on camera. I don’t agree with this, and I think with the advent of HDTV, it’s even worse, because nobody looks good on HD. It looks so cheesy when everybody’s hair looks like glass and their eyebrows are perfect. It bothers me. I don’t find any connection in it.

I must admit I was kinda bummed — and a tad less comfy in my own skin — when, asked about her breast reduction surgery, Garafalo dissed big titties. C’mon!

I had boobs like Dolly Parton. I’ve never thought big boobs were good. I hated them the second I got them. I did nothing but try to hide them my whole life, and as soon as I was in college I was like, These have got to go. I just didn’t like those pendulous boobs. When I did stand-up, people would heckle me because such a short person with such big boobs is very distracting.

OH! So that’s why I’m so…. distracting. Oh well, dolly-pardon me… I did not mean to distract you with my sleight of height and bouncy boobage. Grrr. Well, let’s move back to goodness, let’s let talk of flesh & skin take us back to ink. Garofalo attested to the legendary dickishness of Henry Rollins aka ASSHOLE.

You’ve also worked with Henry Rollins on The Henry Rollins Show. Do you guys talk tattoos? Not really. He doesn’t discuss his. He has a lot of tattoos all over his body, some good, some not so good. He also doesn’t take care of them, so a lot of them have faded terribly. He refuses to moisturize his skin because that would be girly-a little too metrosexual for him-so they’re not all in great stead. But of course the iconic Black Flag bars are the best. If it didn’t look like I was copying, I’d love to have those.

Would that piss him off? Yeah, he would not like that. I actually told him that I wished I could get the bars, and he said, “Don’t.”

And YES! She also said she’d tattoo Sarah Silverman’s face on her already hot bod… which would make Janeane what?  Sexy-Squared?  Funny-Squared? Oh hell yea!

Has a fan ever flaunted a Janeane Garofalo tattoo?Yes, oddly. It’s unbelievable, I know. A very young, nervous girl came up to me at a comedy club and showed me a tattoo of me on her arm. I was shocked and speechless, thinking, She’s gonna regret that. It was such a big piece on her little arm. I think I hurt her feelings by my reaction, and if I had it to do over again, I would’ve been more supportive. She was really proud of it. It was from a photo taken at the Clay Pigeons screening party years ago. I was in corduroys and a T-shirt, karate-kicking towards the camera. She had the picture exactly. Hopefully she was able to turn it into something better later on. I would put Sarah Silverman’s face on my body.

Janeane Garofalo with a Sarah Silverman’s saucy mug all across Janeane’s belly or backside? MMmm. Kinda makes me a touch tumescent. Mmmmmm. In addition to Silverman, Garofalo is laughing at — and with — Tina Fey, Molly Shannon, Upright Citizens Brigade, Flight of the Conchords, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Although when asked about Dane Cook’s comedic appeal Garofalo confessed to being flabbergasted.

 It is as big a fucking mystery to me as the pyramids of Giza. 

 “A woman of valor, who can find? For her price is far above rubies.”

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