Archive for True Blood

The Party’s Over — Starz (stupidly) Cancels “Party Down”

Posted in I Heart Funny Fellas, I Heart Funny Femmes, Star F*#ker, Technicolor Pop, TV, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2010 by alphabetfiend

My highschool sweetheart worked for a catering company during the four years we were together, which means he used to come home stinking like prime beef and twice-baked potatoes, looking EXACTLY like the cast of “Party Down.” Same white shirt, same black pants, same pink bow-tie. I’d lie in bed watching for his headlights on my ceiling, exhaling as he pulled into the driveway. We had only a few stolen moments before he’d be expected home, just long enough for a quick whiff of that bow-tied nape and crusty shirt. Mmmm. That catering job afforded him many opportunities for romance. 

While cleaning up, he’d sometimes pocket discarded wedding favors or sachets of hershey kisses. I’d ooh and ahh as though I’d always yearned for my very own ceramic swan-couple, dual necks curving into a heart.  One night he called to say he hadn’t had time to stop by and could I please bring his shoes in from the porch because it was raining and surely they’d smell like ass if left in the rain? Disappointed, grumbly and thinking “Those shoes already smell like ass,” I wound down the dark stairs. There, on the covered porch, with the rain pelting the eaves, was at least a dozen different flower arrangements in creamy shades of peach & pink. In the spirit of young love, the bride had gifted them to my beau. He’d coasted into my drive with his lights off, knowing my tendency to watch the ceiling, and had carried them on tip-toe to the porch. How, I don’t know! It took me nearly an hour to drag them all inside. In the morning my younger siblings were amazed at the almost funereal floral display, certain I must be a princess with my very own prince.

I sooo wanted to write an episode of “Party Down,” recreating that moment of recycled romance, but that will never happen now thanks to stupid stupid Starz execs. 

Starz has cancelled the clever show about pink-collar workers.

It’s kind of infuriating actually, not just because I’ll never get to try my hand at that script, but because it was a good show with a great cast and endless possibilities. Cast members could come and go and yet it made perfect sense because the service industry is like that. Each episode featured a different catered event there were amazing opportunities for cameos or guest-star turns.

The cast was a hilarious ensemble of comedic talent:

* Megan Mullally (pill-popping Karen from Will & Grace)

*Jane Lynch (Sue the lunatic cheerleading coach on Glee; Joyce the love-lorn lesbo lawyer on L-Word.)

*You probably recognized Ken Marino from funny projects like Reno 911, Stella and The State (as well as will-act-for-food gigs on Angel, Charmed or Dawson’s Creek.)

*I really liked Casey’s Lizzy Caplan in a short-lived sitcom called The Class but you’re more likely to remember the actress  from Alan Ball’s HBO vampire hit True Blood — Caplan played Amy, the crazy cracky nut-job who dated Jason (Sookie’s bro) and couldn’t get enough vamp-blood.

*The always goofy Jennifer Coolidge who went through various transformations — and monikers — on Nip/Tuck.

*Kristen Bell (Heroes, Veronica Mars)

*The funny-as-shit Ken Jeong (Community, the movie Hang-over and Million Dollar Strong, Jeong’s hip hop project with Mike O’Connell.)

*Perhaps most exciting of all, Martin Starr is all grown up since his days as the terminally nerdy Bill in Freaks & Geeks (another BRILLIANT but canceled show which has gained cult status since its unceremonial cancellation after just one AWESOME season.)

In addition to all the talent on-screen, actor Paul Rudd was a contributing creator of “Party Down.” It’s hard to believe that Starz would cancel a show with so much critical acclaim and buzz. It’s not like the cable network has much else to offer in the way of original programming. Sure, not a lot of people were watching the show but that’s because no one had heard about it. People were finding out! Viewership would’ve increased over time. These networks expect us to have patience as they present new programming but they have no patience themselves. It’s no wonder that more and more people are waiting to watch stuff on DVD or Hulu rather than subject themselves to some new un-proven show on primetime or risk falling for a mystery-riddled drama that will only be canceled before the mystery’s been solved (Flash Forward, Happy Town.)

Grr. They did two seasons of Party Down so if you haven’t seen all or any, you still have some partying to do. May I offer you a couple of tasty hordeurves?

“When I’m in nature I usually drop a cap,” featuring Jennifer Coolidge

“It’s not fate, it’s a mistake” with Martin Starr (It’s Bill from Freaks & Geeks, only BIG!)

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Slowly Becoming a Fang of HBO’s “True Blood”

Posted in Art & Culture, Feminism (Shades of Gray), Psyche & Sexuality, Style & Fashion, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2008 by alphabetfiend

“I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you. I wanna do real bad things with you.”
  — Jace Everett’s “Bad Things” is the True Blood theme song.

I wasn’t loving True Blood, as I’ve said. The vampires aren’t sexy. They’re pasty, bald, downright nasty. Their teeth extend in a penile way that’s stomach-churning. There’s this possessive rape-ish energy like in a high school romance. That’s not a good thing. If you think it is then you’re probably still in high school. Poor baby. Turn off that cell phone, spend time with friends, get real.  True Blood’s creator, Alan Ball, is bloody brilliant so I could practically taste the clever insanity. As fresh as a virgin’s plasma. Literary, intellectual, imaginative. If you’ve been around for 400 years, I would think you’d be smarter than the average redneck. I would imagine you’d have a weighty presence and an unsettling charisma. I don’t have a vampire fetish so it’s not enough that they have fangs and drink blood, big deal. I want my vampires to have something more, something extra. Beyond their raging unbearable hard-ons.

I think I just threw up a little.

I think I just threw up a little.

Maybe if the hero (not pictured above) were more like Vincent from TV’s Beauty & The Beast. Now there was a mythical creature that was, well, mythic.  And creaturely. The Beast took up space, his presence was palpable. Beast’s underground NYC home was crowded with books, easels, paints & other talismans. Vincent was sexy as a sulking, skulking Lion-Man. A gentle freak with depth of heart and psyche. I loved the Beast (and always knew that when I was a grown-up beauty the Beast would love me too.)  The show aired on CBS in the 80’s. It starred Linda Hamilton as Beauty & Ron Perlman as Beast. Ron Perlman has recently returned to weekly TV as the sociopath patriarch of a SoCal biker gang  on FX’s “Sons of Anarchy.”*  Once a beast, now a BEAST.  Perlman is great as Hamlet’s despot Step-Pop & mortorcycle madman. Too great. It’s hard; I hurt.  Perlman will always be my wise and loving Beastie. I want to scream at the TV “You Scum-Bag A-Hole, what have you done with Vincent?”

Vincent was a dreamy character who had a profoud effect on me. I haven’t seen the show since I was a little girl but I still make romantic choices based on beasty-ness. People who know me are now ticking back through my history, all the way back to that high school romance, and going yep yep yep. I’ve loved one magical beastie boy after another.

As a kid, I watched B & B; as a woman, I love a Beastie.

As a kid, I watched B & B; as a woman, I love a Beastie.

True Blood could’ve been the new cable version of Beauty & the Beast. Gorgeous, with a wicked taboo tickle and a hero so smart that he can like lick your brain.  Or make you tremble with just his juiced-up brain waves.  (It’s true, I’ve met a man like that. I don’t call him RobotBoyLoverMan for nothin!) I’m talking so smart, it’s torture.  With a dandy’s style and a philosopher’s smile. A cross between Oscar Wilde and Bukowski. Jesse James meets William James. Yum yum. This here nugget offers just a nibble of hope when, two minutes in, there is 60 beautiful seconds that evoke the early moments in a new flirtation and hint at an older intellect.

OK, yea, that was pretty delish. His smile after she says “I’m serious” and he says “As am I,” well, for a second I looked past the bad acting and the pasty pastiche. And Puns! Vampires love puns? Hmmm. I did not know that. Maybe I’m a vampire. I do love velvet (paired with black satin cigarette pants & beaded platforms) and I have been known to take the occasional love bite. Except not so occasional and not so loving. Mortals often admire my moonglow skin and fawn over my pitch black ringlets. They gush over my “old soul” and want to raid my closet. But like the stupid short-lives they are, they poo-poo my puns.

  • Fangtasia?”
  • “You have to remember that most Vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor.”

Not only is Fangtasia a fangtastic name for a vampire bar but it was a great change of scenery for characters and viewers both. The visit made for vibrant visuals and the go-go dancing vamps had moves that mere mortals couldn’t bust.

  • “This one, she wanted to die. Everyone who comes here does, in their own way. That’s what we are. Death.”

When they’re running out of the bar to escape the cops and John whisks Sookie into his arms, yea, that was kinda cool. As a feminist, I’m loathe to admit it; but as a dorky romantic who once was held rapt by TV’s Beauty & the Beast, who crushed on brave lion-browed Vincent, ah, my heart skipped a beat. Goof help me. True Blood’s bloodsucker may seduce me yet. 

  • “This feels a little like what a vampire bar would be like if it were a ride at Disney World.”
  • “Well don’t get too comfortable. It tends to get more authentic as the night wears on.”

Maybe True Blood is Fangtasia. Maybe if we hang in there it will get more entertaining. Maybe the hero will read a few (thousand) books and bulk up his vocab. Maybe the actor who plays him (Stephen Moyer) will sharpen his acting chops. In order for “True Blood” to satisfy, I need a hero who makes me heady and flushed. Hell, he arouses Anna Paquin’s Sookie so much that she masturbates on his porch and all I want is some fangscination. Make me wanna suck blood. Fill me with craving.

Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — Poetess & vampire punster living in the deep south (west). Working on a review of Ron Perlman’s new FX show “Sons of Anarchy” so be on the look out.

True Blood Theme Song: “Bad Things” by Jace Everett

Posted in Rock & Roll, TV with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2008 by alphabetfiend

I got lotsa hits on my blog about HBO’s vampire soap opera “True Blood”and from the searches y’all were doin’ to get there it’s clear you’re beguiled by Blood’s theme song —  “Bad Things” by Jace Everett.  The song is G-damn juicy and so far it’s the best thing about “True Blood.”  On his myspace page, Everett lists existentialism & American Spirit Cigarettes among his influences.  (He’s also an Obama fan. Good man.)  “Bad Things” is a great fit with “True Blood.”  The song has a gritty southern sound and a mysterious, naughty vibe.  Very Vampire in the deep south looking to lunch on a telepathic virgin!  Chomp chomp. 

I wanna do bad things with you

When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don’t know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.

I’m the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an’ eyes filled up with blue.
I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.

When you came in the air went out.
And all those shadows there are filled up with doubt.
I don’t know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
Ow, ooh.

I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.

*************************************************************************************************************************

I love’s me a trickster fox so this trailer with decomposing fox is some sly bewitching… the trailer and the theme by Everett are the best of HBO’s “True Blood” but I’m expecting more with Six Feet Under’s Alan Ball at the helm.  The man also brought us the masterpiece “American Beauty” so there’s gotta be more to “True Blood” than bad accents and rapish goaded gnashing of man-fangs.  I do doubt that Southerners consider it polite to masturbate on your neighbors porch.  Why, that’s just manners!

If only the show were more like the trailer….

Alphabetfiend is Dia VanGunten — a writer & wanna be circus freak living in Austin, Texas.

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