Archive for XXX

Gotta Lotta Bitches To Plow

Posted in Buxom Goo Goo, I Heart Funny Fellas, I heart hip hop, I like big butts & I can not lie, Technicolor Pop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2010 by alphabetfiend

So have you been paying any attention to this surreal mo-fo, Mike O’Connell? The man is insanely hilarious, emphasis on the insane. For those of you who adore the absurd, Mike O’Connell is for you.

As Million Dollar Strong, Mike O’Connell teams up with Ken Jeong for the hysterical hip-hop send up “What’s it gonna be?” Normally, I’d quote some of it for ya but I think I’ll stay mum this time and let you get it as it comes.  OK! Just one! I can’t resist.

I think your ass looks delicious…
uhhh huhhh!!
I got ta get my dick in your britches…

Ah, such sweet poetry. OK, now, if you have anything in your mouth make sure you swallow cause it WILL come shooting out yer nose when you start cracking the hell up.

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Baby Jesus Butt Plug (A real thing!) *Adult content

Posted in Alphabetfiend, Books & Writing, Sex & XXX, Sexuality, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2010 by alphabetfiend

Despite last night’s post — Heaven Makes Some People Horny — I wasn’t sent straight to hell. Zeus did not descend from the rainy sky to deliver a swift kick to my ass. Jesus neither. (Though aren’t they really the same guy? Haaay, Zeus! Wassup?!) Today, when I climbed onto Buddha’s lap, he let me tickle his belly as usual. Even shared a few riddles. Ah, koans. Doorjambs for the soul.

I’m not feeling the hot flaming tongues of hellfire.

Thus my bravery is bolstered.

The baby Jesus butt plug is real, y’all!!

The baby jesus  butt plug is a real life actually-exists product by Divine Interventions, the sickopath company that makes dildos that look like our favorite deities, thereby decimating that second commandment.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

Oh man, just reading that makes me wanna plug my butt and buy some artwork.

I’m not making this shit up.

But someone did and that’s what’s really wild.

"When simply going to hell isn't quite enough"

God, I love the human race. People crack my ass up. People create baby jesus butt plugs to stick up there, should I so choose. Which I don’t. My little pink bumhole is for tongues only or perhaps the very well-timed tip of  a pinky but never ever never for the baby jesus.

But I don’t judge. No. I encourage.

The idea for Divine Interventions came to the guy while seated on the porcelain throne. There he was, meditating to the warm glow of his Jesus nightlight, just trying to pinch one off, when he was suddenly struck by divine inspiration.

It’s all so creepy and yet so captivating — like something out of a Harry Crews novel. Almost makes me wish my booty didn’t have such a strict doorman. Almost. (Don’t get any ideas, Robot Boy.) 

If you’re like me and the idea of a baby jesus butt plug makes you crack up rather than spread your crack, then I have something for you.   The Baby Jesus Butt Plug by Carlton Mellnick III. Perfect for the back pew. You know the one — it stinks like Old Spice but it’s great for catching up on your reading.

 

What came first, the book or the butt plug?

The Jesus Baby Butt Plug is for the twisted and well-read. It does not promote the molestation of Jesus.

WARNING: DO NOT MOLEST THE BABY JESUS

Step into a dark and absurd world where human beings are slaves to corporations, people are photocopied instead of born, and the baby jesus is a very popular anal probe.

Presented in the style of a children’s fairy tale, The Baby Jesus Butt Plug is a short dystopian horror story about a young couple who make the mistake of buying a living clone of the baby jesus to use for anal sex. Once the baby jesus clone turns on them, all hell breaks loose.

Carlton Mellnick III

The Baby Jesus Butt Plug was described as “Trashy and dark.” by 3 a.m. magazine. Trent Haaga, co-writer of Citizen Toxie, gave it a glowing-like-a-ufo review.

Reading Carlton Mellick III’s BABY JESUS BUTT PLUG is like hopping into an LSD-filled time machine with David Cronenberg, William Burroughs, J.G. Ballard, Philip K. Dick, and George Romero at the controls. This tale of office drones and disposable clones is a splatterpunk odyssey, a cautionary tale of corporate omnipotence, and a possible blueprint of the future of the nuclear family. Touching, poignant, horrorific, nightmarish, and beautiful all at the same time, BABY JESUS BUTT PLUG is the work of an uncompromising visionary who lances the boil of his seething imagination with the tip of his pen…”

 Lordy, lordy… I loves me some PKD!!! Burroughs and Ballard too. So I might just have to order a copy next time I’m on amazon. (Carlton Mellnick III also authored The Cannibals of Candyland which makes me smile after the candy-sotted books of today…) 

Heaven Makes Some People Horny (adult content)

Posted in Buxom Goo Goo, Fur Reals, In Celebration of the Absurd, Sex & XXX, Sexuality, Sexy Bitch Steampunk yum, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2010 by alphabetfiend

I once knew a kinky slut who wanted to be fucked by Jesus.

To a certain extent, I can dig it. I did have a HUGE thing for the Lizard King, even with his grizzly madman christ-poet beard. I wrote a poem about going down on Gustav Klimt and I dry-humped Amelia Earhart in one very lovely dream. I was building some kind of steampunk orgasmatron in an old barn when Amelia was forced to crash land her silver airplane in the field out yonder. Humps & hi-jinks ensued.  But that chick, with her particular kind of “jesus trip,” she wasn’t being all sassy and symbolic and referential. It wasn’t even about irreverence. She wanted to be Mrs. Jesus Christ or, fail that, then she’d have been happy just to feel his warm jizz on her face. 

As weird as that chick was, she wasn’t really all that weird. There’s plenty of freaks who wanna get their freak on with Jesus H. Or Krishna. Or the Buddha. Personally, I’d rather get syphilis from Baudelaire. My crushes are more deviant than divine. But for some, it doesn’t get much better than up high. How’s the saying go? Once you go holy, you never go lonely?  Religion and sex have knocked boots plenty. They go way back. Think Zeus with his penchant for mortals. Picture Pan — watching from the shore as maidens romp merrily in the crick, a vision that has caused an uproar in his fetid nether-region. Trance out to the swan-song of St. Teresa as she ecstatically rejoices. Damn, she loves those flaming arrows.

We’ve been boinking the gods and the gods have been booty-callin’ us ever since creation. Ever since there was an us to dream gods up. Ever since there were gods to form us from the dirt like golems. We each depend on the other for existence — we each create the other — and where there’s creation, there’s sex.

Where there’s pollen, there’s bees.

Now we can be both deviant & divine

So why am I surprised to find that a company like Divine Interventions is creating products like these? Holy holes!

Finally, a crucifix that you can safely stick up in ya! For those in need of an exorcist, this day could not come soon enough.

Me, I’d rather bless myself with the Virgin Mary… which I’d order in a spiritual hue, such as violet or prayer-robe blue. But you, you might prefer to bury “The Diving Nun” like you were smuggling Gulliver. Or maybe you’re dying to punish Judas for his sins. Bad bad bad boy. If your sacrilege has eastern leanings, then you’ll wanna use Buddha’s belly to wiggle your jiggle like a bowl full o’ spermicide jelly. 

That’s right, sinners, there’s something here for everyone! Every heathen under the red hot sun. Yes, that means you, you jew. You too can have Moses deliver you to promised land.  

For that special brand of anal-retentive weirdo (or for collectors of absurd ephemera, such as myself) there’s “The baby Jesus butt plug.”

Oh, yes, we’re all going straight to hell.

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